Rough Day--Need to Vent

Post Reply New Topic

I've been around people all day and was doing so good for several hours. Then, one little thing went wrong and everything snowballed out of control. I managed to get home before I burst into tears, but now I can't stop crying. I don't like how I feel right now. I am so angry, I just want to go away forever.

For a little background into the situation, I am in the process of joining the Catholic church, along with a "friend." Every week, for 6 months, we have been attending RCIA classes. Well, today, we had to get up early and get to church by 8am. It's now 5pm and I just got home, to give you an idea of how long I've been around people.

It all started out at the regular morning mass. Then, everyone had to drive an hour to get to the nearest cathedral, along with candidates from all the other parishes in the diocese. (In all, there were 636 candidates, along with their sponsors and relatives, from 25 different parishes. There were well over 1000 people in that cathedral.) My husband and I rode with my sponsor and my "friend" rode with my mother (her sponsor) and my father. Things were going great until we walked into the cathedral. People were running everywhere and I couldn't think, couldn't focus and couldn't balance. I had no time, no room to acclimate. My sponsor kept a hold of my arm to keep me from falling down (she asked me if that was okay and I told her it was.)

We got to our designated seats and then the woman organizing everything yelled at us to go to the back so she could get organized. I took immediate umbrage. There's simply no excuse for such rudeness. Besides, we had no idea we weren't supposed to sit down immediately--all we were told was that we needed to sit down at one of the pews marked with our parish's name and to get there an hour early. I told my sponsor that I was very angry about that, and she indicated that the woman was just doing her job and had every reason to be irritated. This made me more upset because she was taking the feelings of this nameless woman she doesn't even know over mine. I told my mother and my friend, and my "friend" laughed it off and talked to me in the same patronizing tone she uses with her six-year-old. (She's been doing that more and more and it's really beginning to make me mad.) After a few minutes of talking it out with my mom, I calmed down and was able to get through the ceremony.

When it was all over and we were leaving, there was another woman who nearly pushed me down and then snapped "Excuse me!" as she was pushing me aside. I leaned over and whispered, "I don't much care for her tone." And then my sponsor and "friend" acted like I was the one in the wrong! My sponsor said, "She's just irritated. Have a little compassion." Well, where's the compassion for me? Where are the excuses for me when I'm tired and irritated? No one has ever made excuses for me when I've been rude or had any of this "compassion" for me--and most of the time, my perceived "rudeness" is the result of a diagnosed neurological condition! In short, if I don't get passes on my behavior from time to time, then no one else should, either! By this time, I was so upset, all I wanted was to go home.

On the ride home, my sponsor was trying to make me feel better. At least, that's what I've been telling myself. She said some pretty hurtful things and after a while, I just quit talking, kept smiling and nodded at everything she said. She told me to "give it to God," (translation: "No human being wants to hear this, especially not me") told me to "get over it," (translation: "your thoughts/feelings are irrelevant") and that she was sorry--sorry that I have such a miserable life because I make mountains out of molehills. (I have no translation for this. I'm still trying to process it and getting a headache. But it felt rather condescending.)

If I could do things over today, to make it right, I would have kept my mouth shut around my sponsor and my "friend." (I don't want to see either of them again for a very long time.) I would have anticipated that something could go wrong with that many people around, shut myself down, brought my journal and told it how I felt. The way I see it, my main mistake was trusting my sponsor and my "friend," letting them in. If I can learn from today's mistake, then it won't be a total waste. But still--I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. It won't happen, of course. I'm not that lucky.

awww. it's best to move on from such a terrible day. Don't let them know it's got to you and do tomorrow like it's never happened :) I hope things go well for you in the church in the long run

This is why I stay away from organised religious functions . . . 1) way too many people in a room, 2) all kinds of rules and hierarchies that I would never be able to keep track of; and 3) the often blatant hypocrisy of the attendees.

Your friend and your sponsor don't sound like they are understanding where you're coming from. Your sponsor's comments were very unsympathetic.

But you got through the day.

Thank you. In times like these, all I want and need is to be heard. Thank you for doing that:) And you are right--I did get through the day. That, in and of itself, was a huge achievement!

I didn't want to go through this ceremony for the same reasons that you mentioned--mainly the crowds. But it was mandatory if I wanted to join, which I do. I normally wouldn't have been so upset by an errant tone here and there. When I'm overwhelmed, though, the slightest hint of aggression from another person seems like a personal attack and the fight-or-flight response kicks in. If I can state how I feel to someone I trust and get a slight bit of feedback to let me know I'm safe, I can shrug it off in 5-10 minutes. I explained this to my sponsor beforehand and was under the impression she understood. Ha!

Now that I look back, I don't think she was processing what I was saying at all. Whenever I say something to her that involves my condition, she responds with "Okay." And then either changes the subject or calls out to a person across the room and starts interacting with them. I interpreted that to mean, "I understand and accept what you are saying; I have nothing else to add to this conversation." I found out on the car ride home that when she says "Okay," she's masking various judgmental statements, such as "That's stupid" or "Yeah? Live with it." And that when she abruptly changes the subject or walks away from me, it's with the express purpose of shutting me down. (She spelled that out very clearly to me.) So every time I've been explaining my condition, thought processes and sensory needs to her, which is information that she, as my sponsor, needs to know, she's essentially been signaling to me that she doesn't care and that I'm wasting her time. I feel like an idiot for not picking up on it. Then again, not being able to magically pick up on subtle cues is part of having an ASD, she knows that I have an ASD, so maybe I'm not the idiot in this series of interactions.

I'm going to talk to the priest in a few days and ask if it's possible to get a new sponsor. It's probably not possible, but I can still try. And, if not, I have only 40 days until confirmation and then I can put this ugly business behind me.

I have a headache this morning, but I'll be okay. Thank you again, both of you, for reading what I had to say and taking the time to let me know I'm not alone.

Let the water you tread securely flow underneath a new bridge, as the whispers of the wind carry your thoughts into calmer skies.