My Suicide

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This is only your current perception though - in time your perceptions will change. This is inevitable. Your belief that you are not subject to the different opportunities that are always afforded by the passage of time and, subsequently, events is unsustainable in any logical forum. If anything, it's in your interest to examine your current predicament and thus hypothesise a way of being that, however unbelievable to you, is clearly and demonstrably better than what you seek to achieve by seeking your own end.
You have 2 chances of being right here - in one case you will never know.

I have been suicidal more than once, so I know the feeling...I've attempted before and its not really a good memory to have to look back on that is for sure. I must say though suffocation of any kind in my opinion would be a terrible way to go not to mention if you survive that it could cause a lot of brain damage which would suck more. But I can understand feeling like life simply is not worth living it can be hard to keep going.

I don't know if its any help to you but I find it helps to think of anything no matter how stupid it might seem that makes you not want to act on suicidal thoughts. I wont tell you it gets better as I don't know and not sure what better would look like to you. I don't know I try not to worry about it getting better or not because it tends to make the disappointment less if it seems to continue getting worse.

Last edited by Sweetleaf on 09 Mar 2013, 12:35 am, edited 3 times in total.

i believe the OP already has already "examined his current predicament" and was not able to hypothesize a way out of it that didn't involve a radical change of personality which was beyond his inclination. he feels it is pointless to keep on keeping on, and is probably very tired of life [as it has been and as he sees it continuing to be] right now. the only thing any of us can do for this man is to keep listening to whatever he has to say and to offer comfort and to try to slip in some hope here and there.

life is meaningless. the universe is indifferent. there is no free will. yet I choose to make my life meaningful to myself by enjoying myself and helping others. I enjoy the illusion of free will. I live life as if it counts. it's irrational, but it works. I want to live to be 100. death is nothing. I prefer something. if most existence weren't pleasant, there would not be 8 billion people on the planet. take a chance. you can always decide to suicide later.

if you also (in addition to your suicidal thoughts and lack of pleasure in living) have too much or too little sleep, too little energy, and too much or too little appetite, you might seriously want to try depression treatment. if you don't like drugs, something called cognitive behavioral therapy can help.

I know someone who attempted suicide by the exact means you intend to use. he failed. today he is glad he didn't desert his family (as you mention your mom as a reason to delay) and has a rewarding career as a social work supervisor.

I have to go to bed as I work in the morning. i'll check in with you tomorrow.

To further clarify, no I do not believe in a god, theology or afterlife of any kind. I find such things childish at best. I honestly do not see how if anyone who did believe in a god could do anything but curse him. How can anyone accept judgment when the judge is guilty?

I do not believe I am depressed, I just have a hightened awareness of reality. The arguments all seem to be the same, wait. How long? I have waited nearly 33 years, how long should I? 43? 83?

I"m not going to go into details here because it's harmful in a place like this, but let me just say that I've made some very serious attempts at my own life and I'm surprised that I'm still alive. Apparently the human will to live is a lot stronger than it feels when you're at the ultimate depths of despair. Anyway the point of me saying all that is I'm about your age, and so I know that feeling of waiting around for things to get better but feeling like they never will. But you know even now as I go on with life, because I do have mine, I sometimes surprise myself some days, by thinking ''i'm glad i'm not dead''. When I was suicidal I obviously never ever thought it was possible to feel like that again. You should hang on for those moments. And also because suicide absolutely destroys families/loved ones/ friends etc and even if there is no 'after life' for you, you family still has to live with you decision and ultimately that is kind of selfish. I find reading about/watching documentaries on people who have been affected by suicide helps remind me why I should not do it too.

I hope you don't do it, and more than that, I hope you feel better soon.

One thing that I realize about the suicidal state of mind, is that over time it isn't about whether or not you believe in God, or what your spiritual mind set is. An example is the person who lifts weights every day will soon have improved muscle mass to show for it. The person who doesn't lift weights will be flabby. So, the person who practices telling themselves that there is nothing to live for will in time come to accept this as the only reality they can have. Subsequently, the person who keeps looking for reasons to live, even reasons to be joyful, will in time began to accept that reality. Once I made the decision to tell myself that suicide was not an option, I began to change my outlook on life. If we keep suicide as an option, we will always want to return to it when the going gets tough. I think it is up to us to decide which reality we wish to live in. Or die in, as the case may be.

I truly hope you begin to feel better.

OP: What hartzofspace has said, and other posters is so complete I hesitated to say anything.
But I have been where you are, & feel like telling you. A small door, so to speak, appeared for me when I was in one of my suicidal frames - of - minds. I remembered something to stall my death would be to wait a year and in that year I'd kill my cares by ignoring them while forcing myself to either walk, run, or ride my bike. I did not do the runs for pleasure, I did them so that I could feel something. Not pleasant, but I had promised myself to ignore/kill my cares: what did pain or sweat or anything matter, as I was going to die anyway. One day I actually began to like my workouts, though it wasn't always likable. Eventually, I added music to them with an mp3 player - starting with angry stuff, then progressing to sad, etc. It may take a long time, but it does get better.

As long as you're alive there's always the possibility of escape...

Its not worth it I almost suceeded once only to be rushed to the er and institutionalized for a few days under suicide watch.Now I'm stuck with this scar on my wrist for the rest of my life.

a suicide which results in maimed [and diminished] survival is the worst thing of all. there have been folks who survived supposedly surefire techniques such as a magnum in the mouth [but with severe maiming and diminished brain capacity- the worst thing was they knew what they used to be].

I'm not going to persuade you not to commit suicide because I know what it's like to think about it daily. I could have written your post word for word. The bit about it never getting better especially resonated with me. I'm 27 now, but when I was a teenager I couldn't see myself letting myself live past the age of 24. That's odd isn't it? Some people dream of becoming doctors and motivate themselves to go to school to become successful, but the only thing that motivates me at all now is the thought of ending my life. I yearn for oblivion and I am not afraid.

I'm sorry if it seems like I'm making this all about me, but since it seems like some of the other posters (no offense at all intended to anyone) don't understand how you feel I just want you to know you are totally not alone.

PS> For what it's worth your art is quite good.

I feel like killing myself too. I've gotten a copy of "How to Make your own Helium Hood" by Derek Humphry. He's the guy who wrote Final Exit. It's a bit of fuss, but doable.


I know. It won't get better. Forty three years and I'm still the same non-functional, dependent alien that I always was.


I feel the same about my mother, but I'm starting to think I should just put myself first for once and get the hell out of here.


I think you're right. It's been false hope that's been keeping me going. Nothing will ever change.


You can try, but it's just a mask. If I follow Darwin's logic, I should not exist.


Good question. Is 43 old enough to realize that I am just banging my head against a wall. Maybe I should finally do something for myself.

Don't wait, take action instead.

Speaking only for myself, I have attempted suicide so I am very familiar with how the OP feels. I wouldn't presume to offer input otherwise. And, no offense taken!

Hope you feel better soon and everyone here has had great words of encouragement. Hope things get well soon.