Being a bully.

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Some of the language I will use is offensive and this is EXTREMELY intense. So if you're easily offended, click away NOW!

Because of negative past experiences I've had with bullying (being the victim of sexual harassment, physical bulling for years), I feel as if I've been moulded into a bully myself. Before the bullying against me started, I was a pretty passive child, bar a few aggressive incidents, but now I feel over-emotional and anti-social! I feel evil, manipulative and cruel. I stopped going to school and terrorised my house by being verbally abusive to my parents, saying things such as 'you ******* disgust me, I hate you' and 'what the **** do you know, I'm ashamed to be your son' and worse. Really, I'm the one who's utterly disgusting and repulsive. I've noticed I also manipulate people's emotions by saying the worst possible thing to provoke a reaction. I lie compulsively, I lead people on who like me and then laugh at them when they try to make a move, I'm extremely quick to anger and I have upsetting thoughts about killing and abuse. Am I just psychopathic?!

These thoughts are usually directed towards those who hurt me in the past, I replay over unpleasant memories and alter them so that I exact revenge by killing them, harm them or by verbally assaulting them.

I really don't know what to do, I'm already seeking help, but I feel awful!

I already posted this in adult issues but maybe that wasnt appropriate as ive had no responses , please help!

it's great you're getting help. your anger is understandable but it's keeping you in an unhealthy aroused physical state and hurting your relationships. hopefully your helper will walk you through the process of forgiveness not because the bullies deserve it, but because you deserve it. the best revenge is living well.

It sounds like you have a lot of anger inside you from being hurt, and not feeling protected by your parents, and you are lashing out. The fact that you acknowledge that you have a problem is a very good start, and if you are going to see someone who knows how to help you, that is also good.
Keep in mind that some 'professionals' are better than others, so if you don't think they are helping, after a reasonable try, then you might want to try someone else. I say this because you are young and might fall into the trap of judging an entire profession by one person, and if they don't help, you might abandon the idea of help rather than try someone else.

Do you like studying/learning? (I mean apart from going to school) I read in one book that the most effective way to remove anger is not to 'take it out' on someone or something, whether a person or a punching bag. This was shown to either be ineffective, or even cause you to focus on the problem in a non-constructive way that could even make your anger worse.
According to the studies, as well as my own experiences, it is more effective to try to understand the position of the perpetrator. This does NOT mean to accept what they did, or that you are not entitled to feel hurt or angry about it. But if you can see their weakness and how it let them down, causing them to do the wrong thing, then it might help you to come to terms with their bad behaviour and separate it from yourself as the cause. In other words, you might see it wasn't about you, and wasn't your fault, and you did not deserve it, and they should have not done it, it was their mistake.
Bullies are often that way because they have been bullied themselves. It is often their father or a sibling who is insensitive and thoughtless, and does not realize how they are hurting their children/sibling. My husband does it to my kids. He does not hit them (many do) but he says things which I can see hurt my son, who totally hates him. And he is clueless about it. I told my son I don't blame him for how he feels, but please don't let on to his father, or it will only make it worse. I have tried to make my husband understand, but some people are incapable of change. After all, he does not tie them up and kick them, like was done to him, so he thinks he is a great dad.

You are self-hating, and that is not good. It means you don't see the good things about yourself, and are fixated in only the bad, and in a worst case situation, you might write yourself off, and give in to doing something really bad just to 'finish it'. You were born pure and perfect just like everyone else, and you deserve to find your feet and make your choices about what it means to be a worthwhile individual, and then to strive to live up to the standards that you set for yourself.
You have only this one life (that I know about) and despite the past, and the stuff that was done to you when you were defenseless, you are now the driver of your own bus, and it is up to you how well you want to drive it, and where you want to go. It is NOT EASY to let go of a painful past, so don't expect it to be, but it can be done, and you can have a life where you can look back and see your roots, and know you overcame them, and became a man you can be proud of.

And do you have any hobbies?

Its pretty hard to keep yourself from lowering to the level of bullies, since its a power trip and most people just jump on the idea. This is what makes it hard to deal with and stop the cycle all together. The best you can do is keep it from spreading and not be a bully yourself, but yeah its not easy to withstand the peer pressure to do it.

Hi,

I'm wondering how old you are. I had serious rage issues around puberty through my late mid-late teens. I would kick holes in my walls with my bare feet and trash my room. I would say hateful things to my family because I believed they were responsible for all my pain and suffering (they were, but perhaps maybe not as much as I had thought). I did grow out of it after I moved out of the house and had to focus on things like survival, you know just getting by in the world on my own. I was more in control of finding my own happiness and doing the things I wanted to do. I am hoping that this will be the case for you too.

My son who has PDD-NOS also has rage issues. It makes me very sad to see. Whenever I try to enforce any boundaries he tells me (at age 4) that he hates me, he doesn't like me, he wants to break bones(!) He points and growls and swipes. My heart breaks because I don't know how I can help him cope with his frustrations better, because I want him to have a bright and happy future, not one where he is sad and alone. I have heard that neurofeedback is an awesome new therapy that helps one regulate their emotions better without the use of drugs or anything invasive. I would happily spend the money on something like that if it meant that my child would be able to feel more at peace with himself and the world around him. Maybe look into that and see if you'd be open to trying different therapies to get you to a calmer, more gratifying place?

As stated, being alone and without constant occupation enables you to behave like this, worsening your condition.

But more importantly, make an effort to forgive the wrongdoers. This isn't easy at all, but it's the only way out for you.

I think BlackSabre7 made an excellent post... It is great and important that you acknowledge the problem and furthermore that you are actively seeking help. A lot of people here have unfortunately had some very negative experiences, including myself... I'm sincerely sorry that you have had to go through all that you have in the past.

I don't think you have to forgive or accept what was done to you in the past, but it's important that you will find a way to keep going forward with your life and live with all that has happened, as well as find a healthy way to handle your anger. Letting out steam by punching a bag or writing a letter to your bullies and then ripping it apart for instance can have a surprisingly strong relieving effect.

I hope you will find the help that you are looking for.. Talking to professionals should be a good idea. Also have you tried to talk to your family about your feelings? Is there any constructive project or goal or just a hobby that you could imagine taking on?

Personally, I find a lot of comfort by helping with various charities. It's not possible to change or erase the past events, but I get a lot of comfort with the thought of helping to improve other person's quality of life and hopefully preventing them from experiencing something similar to myself. Becoming a bully doesn't make you the winner, it makes your bullies have still the same power over you.