I don't want my son to live

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folks with asperger's syndrome have a lot to offer, especially when they are in a positive frame of mind. considering your son has asperger's syndrome, it's quite possible you do as well. find a way to inspire strength in each other.

THIS.

I feel you, where you're at.

Pending the psychologist's discussion with the school, I might-- might-- have just gotten my son a diagnosis today. I know something is not standard with the kid-- have know since he was a toddler that something was not standard with the kid-- and I've thought the same things you're thinking.

I have laid (lain?) next to that beautiful child in the night and thought I might be doing him a favor if I fed him six cups of ice cream, read him 30 of his favorite bedtime stories, sang him to sleep, and then smothered him with his pillow. I've cried myself to sleep clutching him and thinking that.

It's not about resenting the kid, or not liking the kid, or not loving the kid, or hating the kid. It's about hating what you expect the world to throw at the kid, that much. Reading all the crap about limited prospects and comorbid conditions and listening to f*****g f**ked-up f**ktards like Xavier Amador on the TV set and seeing this as a life for your kid.

Who'd want it?? When you're reading statistics like 85% divorce rate, 70% homeless rate, 80% unemployment rate, 60% suicide rate, close to 100% rate of comorbid conditions (if you count things like depression and anxiety and avoidant personality disorder and social phobia and agoraphobia and PTSD resulting from getting massively crapped on)-- who'd want that??

I sympathize, honey.

Don't act on it.

DON'T ACT ON IT.

DON'T ACT ON IT

I'll have more to say later.

Don't forget that in addition to the autism, he's also a child. He wants to have love and have fun. Sometimes I get all down about my son's future--he has lots of behavioural problems--but he's still funny and basically happy. He's getting more affectionate, too. He's only 4 so he's got a ways to go.

I know this will sound simple, but I'll say it anyway.

You gave your son life. Let HIM decide whether his life is worth living or not. In the meantime, try to give him the best life possible within his means, dictated more by what he wants, deserves and is capable of than by what society wants.

It's pretty much all been said, but I hope you feel people are with you today. As a parent of any child, life can be overwhelming especially seeing yourself as responsible for the entire future of this precious being you brought into this world.
It's just a day to day decision, to do something nice for your child, AND yourself.
Get some support. Someone who can teach you to see the positive in his life.
Don't give in to what are just fears at this stage. You have no idea what marvels will blossom in him. He may not be standard issue, but then what miracles are?
Throw out the fears of the future, and work with the hear and now...just breathe and do today.
Many hugs

Reasons to stay with him: "I love him so much it hurts."

That's reason enough. That's the only reason you need.

Could someone else do better?? Maybe. Could someone else do worse?? OH HELL YEAH.

He's yours. If you believe in that stuff, he's yours for a reason, like that out of the 7,000,000,000 and counting people on this planet, you're the one for him. (I get a lot of comfort out of intelligent design. God made me, God doesn't make mistakes, yatta-yatta-yatta. If that works for you, use it unabashedly. If it doesn't, I guess you'll just have to ignore me. And no, it doesn't work for me all the time.) He's yours, you love him, that's reason enough.

Do you know everything you need to know right now?? NO. Can you learn?? YES. Does anyone know everything you need to know right now?? NO. If you surround yourself with the right people, can you figure some of it out?? YES.

Welcome to the adventure that is living with Asperger's. It's got its downs-- plenty of them. Can I tell you a secret?? I think a lot more of those downs come from the asinine attitudes of people who WON'T understand than come from Asperger's itself.

When I'm taking having had to deal with some jerkwad to heart, feeling low and thinking back over all the asinine things that have been said to me, when I've just got in another fight with my husband over something that started out as a misunderstanding and I've got a choice between being pissed at him or being pissed at me, I'll be the first to tell you all the downs.

Working in my garden, playing with my kids, canning up a bunch of tomatoes, talking comparative religion and mysticism with my best guy friend, messing about with my husband, studying out how to build or fix something and then seeing it come together, drinking coffee and talking self-reliance with my neighbor, leading a family hike when I can teach my kids to identify 20 common plants and 37 trees (without the manual, 'cause I forgot it again), I'll be the first to tell you it's got its ups, too.

Sounds a lot like... LIFE.

It's got plenty of ups-- enough that the most miserable thing someone could do to me is try to make me normal. The one thing I abhor the thought of doing to my son is trying to make him normal.

If you want a dog, don't bring home a cat. If you want a dog and a cat shows up on your doorstep, and you pet it and it purrs and you fall in love and decide to keep it, you don't try to teach it to go to the door and bark. You get a litter pan and learn to appreciate "meow" in all its forms.

Is your son going to get hurt, beat up (metaphorically), scarred up (metaphorically), and a whole bunch of other stuff no mother wants to watch in the process?? YES. Can you stop that from happening?? Maybe, but it's not a good idea.

Look-- you haven't got this far without some scars, have you?? Do you know anyone who's actually living life who's gotten to where-ever they're at without a few (OK, a lot) of scars?? I don't. Those scars can be grevious wounds, or they can be character marks, or both.

Some of the worst things that have happened to me have shaped some of the best parts of my character. I am pretty pissed-off and pretty negative-- I'm cleaning up one hell of a mess right now-- but when I make it out the other side (assuming I get there-- when in doubt, always assume you'll get there somehow and get back to work) I'll be better, stronger, smarter, more knowledgable.

Bulleted List of Things to Not Do:

1) Read lists and volumes and et cetera all about limitations. Persons with Asperger's can't, persons with Asperger's don't, persons with Asperger's shouldn't. You'll get plenty of that without seeking it out. A lot of the worst damage that has been done to me, has come from internalizing that crap.

1A) If you have professionals that are just droning on with "lifelong limitation" this and "reduced expectations" that, GET OTHER PROFESSIONALS. Tout suite, vite-vite, rapido, andele, maintenante, yesterday. ASAP. Sooner. Having credentials of expertise in a subject does not preclude idiocy.

2) Expect him to want the things you'd want, or you'd think he'd want, or you'd want for him. This is true for any child, and doubly true for an ASD child. The things that you'd think would make him happy, or that would make other kids happy, or that would make you happy for him, may or may not be things that will make him happy for himself.

Look-- a lot of people had a lot of expectations for me. She's going to be valedictorian, she's going to graduate cum laude, she's going all the way to a PhD, she's going to make a lot of money. She's going to be a massive success in the common conception of the word, and she's going to be so darn happy about it.

Well, I didn't get much out of graduating salutatorian (missed valedictorian by two points in Algebra II)-- I mean it was nice I guess, but it didn't mean dip to me. My speech was all about all the good I'd gotten out of the old ways and how grateful I was for four years in a hillbilly high school that mostly left me alone and gave me time to heal and a safe place to try on a few dozen hats. I learned a lot of stuff in college, but it wasn't the kind of stuff that goes on an academic record (even the stuff I learned in class). I thought real hard about grad school, was all prepped for the GRE, had an entrance essay topic approved and an essay all outlined and a crate of books on Emile Zola and John Steinbeck and response theory...

...and then I decided that what I really wanted was to keep our little home, back my husband up in his career, plant an big old garden, haunt thrift stores yard sales and farmer's markets, learn to can everything under the sun, have a bunch of babies, and generally learn to structure our lives such that a little money would do for us what a lot isn't enough to do for others. By the way, it's working. We're debt-free, I love my work, when I send my fourth and last child to school (assuming I don't win some people over to the idea of homeschooling) I'm looking forward to putting in my application to be a garbage woman (not because it's all I'm capable of but because I LIKE the idea).

I have to go talk to my father-in-law now. More later.

As someone with Asperger's, I'll just say that I'm not in unbearable pain.

Am I disabled? Yes.

Is life difficult? Yes.

Is it stressful? As hell.

Am I cursed? No.

I have AS and lost a career and some friends over it, but now am happily married and have a nice job. there were ups and downs, but overall, i'm glad to be alive.

I'd say being an aspie is as much a "curse" as being a human being, or alive. I am unsure of the "blessing" part, but much like life, I have to figure it out. So do you have to when things seem down, and so would he, Neurotypical or Neurodiverse.
I will say that perhaps a look into why they diagnosed him as such may lead to some ideas on how to deal with certain situations - is he hypersensitive, how does he react to things, etc.
Most of all, be hopeful and encouraging. Worst comes to worst, you could look up famous suspected/actual Aspies/Autis

Famous Aspergers/Autism

It can be a blessing to be unique but it can be tough when you don't have things or capabilities that other people take advantage of. But still you shouldn't even think of denying your child the right to live even with a slight disability. It will be tough to be different sure but everyone has to go through it. The best you can do for him is be the mother that is his rock and supportive of whatever he finds in his life that gives him satisfaction. Its what mine does for me and I am eternally grateful for her because of it.

I think that you need to get a grip and inform yourself on ASD, there are are for worse things to be born with!! If his ASD is mild then he can certainly lead a fruitful life but it is really up to you. Do you want your son to grow up feeling 'different' with the feeling that his mother would rather want him dead, all because he's a bit 'different'?? I really believe that the biggest distress for people suffering from ASD comes from how they are treated by people and how people perceive them. Your comment just adds to a long line of misery and hoplessness faced by people on this forum who have been misunderstood, bullied and sometimes wished dead.


I don't doubt that you love your son otherwise you wouldn't be so distressed but I think you maybe confused about what your son has, you should probably seek advice and support especially if your having these thoughts.

I wonder do you feel like harming him in some way?

I work with university students with autism and I have to say that they are, without exception, some of the most amazing people I know.

Sometimes life is hard for them but sometimes you can see the sheer joy in living and learning - and they do it so well - more than 50% of our ASC students get first class degrees and go on to do all sorts of incredible things.

This is the potential your son may have too but even if it isn't he has the potential to live a happy and fulfilled life.

It may be tough for him at times.

He will have struggles others don't have (but others will have struggles he doesn't have)

But give him the right support, let him develop at the rate he needs to (some take a lot longer than others to be ready to take the next step in life and you have to adjust to that) and he will be the person he is supposed to be with all the happiness and despair that entails for everyone on this planet.

it just might not be the person you dreamed of when you first held him in your arms - but that is true for any child and something all parents have to come to terms with sooner or later.

Enjoy him for who he is, learn to see what he needs even when others can't, and take pride in his achievements and he will amaze you just like my children (both on the spectrum) amaze me

It will be difficult yes but with patience and people who care about him, he can live a normal life. Its not surprising to see aspies live normal successful lives. Just dont do anything crazy like some cases where the mother kills her autistic child which I have seen on the news many times.

I am not going to hurt him. I just don't want him to suffer to the extent that he will think his life is a failure due to AS.

Well, that's up to you and how you teach him to meet the wider world and accept his ASC for what it is - a neurological condition that makes some things harder to cope with but really isn't the end of the world - his AS isn't responsible for that, you are!

All people suffer, some more than others, but we also all have the capacity to enjoy life to the full if we are allowed to.


If his life is a failure it won't be because of AS it will be because you don't believe he can have a good life. He does not need your pity for his potential suffering, he needs your support to get past any real problems he might encounter and move on with living his life the best way he can.

What would you do if he was born with spina bifida? Or born blind? Or Deaf? Or have big ears?

This sentence was very very very shocking to me!! Your little boy is 3 years old, my dear. You have to understand that autism is not a handicap, but a developmental disorder. Where a disability is a state of permanent damage, a developmental disorder is most of the time a delay in development of the brains. The brain knows a certain degree of plasticity, which means that the areas that are more frequently use will develop more connections (to phrase it in the least complex way) and it plays a big role in learning. The younger the child, the higher the brain plasticity. This means that even though your 3 year old son may seem like a completely disfunctional child who does not understand the world, but 20 years later he may be a normally functioning adult.

When I was your son's age, my parents had absolutely no contact with me. They just couldn't get through, while I ran around, caught up in my own little world. Now I am a very social being. I am in university, have loads of friends and am very outgoing. The major thing I would advice is please do not think that your son is incapable of learning anything.. instead stimulate him to learn as much as possible. Even though it may take more time than with other kids, if you treat him like he's already handicapped.. he will certainly stay handicapped. It's up to you...