thoughts and demise

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Excuse me for the poor construction of this post but I’m very drunk. I can’t go on as I am. My anxiety and depression has reached a point where I cant deal with it anymore. I have realized that hate myself and I can’t accept the very things that make up my personality. The consequences of having Aspergers have been more than I had anticipated. I can’t go another year feeling like this. I can’t take it anymore. The anxiety the depression, the feeling that I alone am the only one like me.
I’m trapped between two opposing walls: Life and time. I know I’m not ready to live on my own or graduate. I’ve come to realize that my Social Anxiety Disorder has come to resemble AvPD and that I cant function. I’ve been skipping classes and drinking and smoking pot in some cliché and vain attempt to solve my problems with depression and anxiety.
I’m not sure what to do and the only reason I’m posting here is that the only people who I ever really related to were other people with AS. I don’t want to change my life. I don’t want to be different. I only have 2 weeks left in the semester and I just need to finish. After that I don’t know. I hate asking for help, I hate being different and I hate myself.
I guess this rant is me asking for advice or some way out. I don’t want to tell my parents how I feel. I don’t want to be that kid that ruins everyone’s life with his issues I don’t want to be that kid who holds people back because he cant cope. I don’t want to but I know that in three years or sooner that’s the as*hole I’ll be.
Don’t try to poke holes in the logic. I know it’s irrational. I know I people probably don’t hate me as much as I think they do. It doesn’t help.

I was in similar situation almost two years ago exactly. I got to the point where I couldn't deal and felt like I had no one to talk to. I decided to take lots of Tylenol and NyQuil just to see what would happen. I was pretty woozy for the day, so I would stay away from that. I definitely had to hit rock bottom before I could stand back up. Those next few months sucked, to be perfectly honest with you. But I found the right person to talk to and had a specific individual that was more aware who stayed on my case every single day. Ended up finding perfect job two days before graduation. Please don't quit. It gets better. I wish I could tell you it was all better. It's not. But right now, I'm managing, and it is worth it. It is worth it.

Life gets better. Take it from someone who's been over the edge and had no one to reach out to.

Ah man, I know of what you speak. I hit a wall going through college. At my lowest point I would drive to university in the morning, sleep in the car, and then drive home to my parents and tell them I went to class. "How was class?" "Oh, it was alright..." The only thing that helped me pull it together was making some friends in my third year, not really due to any effort of my own. And then I was crushed when I lost contact with them after graduation. I know it doesn't help to say this, but tough it out. Anything is better than failing a semester (or more) by default. Better to be an unemployed graduate than to look back on college and remember how you could have gotten a degree if you went to class.

I dont see I getting better.The only times in the last 15 years I wasn't depressed were either when I was high, drunk or maybe a couple of months following my high school graduation.I've been on meds for anxiety since I was 5 years old.I have never not been anxious.
I'm not failing my classes but It's getting harder and harder to go to each one every week.The added stress of my parents wanting me to start planning a life like I dont have these issues is crushing me.Plan next semester, get a job ,get an intership, get better grades in school,exercise.Hell my mother wants me to take even more classes next semester.
Meanwhile I'm having flashbacks on a daily basis.I went to a concert two weeks ago and literally spent the time between bands sitting against the wall staring into space.Even when the bands were playing I could barely concentrate, I kept worrying about how much my friends hated me and why some of them didnt talk to me.I went directly home and drank and smoked until I felt better.It's gotten worse since then
Then theres living with my roommates and having to deal the anxiety their presence creates.I just cant cope.Even as I write this I'm constantly throwing thoughts back in an attempt to at least finish this post before I break.