Volatile Explosive Anger & Depression

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I have a history of really explosive anger. Particularly my anger creeps up when I feel completely out of control either of the situation or my own life (stress). I was not ALWAYS this way, though my emotions were always intense. My struggle came with figuring out how to express them appropriately and having the wrong role models who were equally explosive and angry around me.

When I used to get angry I would lash out at others or myself. I would break windows, glass, walls, people. And if people were not available or too strong for me to hurt I'd hurt and claw at myself. I'd get so angry I'd just start beating on myself. And this evolved into cutting.

As I grew older my temper grew worse, and led to losing quite a few people close to me in my life. When my Ex left me with this anger being the one that was mostly considered. I began taking Anger management and focusing on the anxiety and feelings that triggered my Anger. The best place to put it to the test was the road, where I experienced regular road rage especially as a new driver. And when I could drive and be relaxed I felt I had conquered my anger.

Recently the loss of my grandfather and the loss of a friend who turned out to not be a friend at all, have weighed heavily on me. I noticed my anger creeping back. I'd start thinking violent thoughts in response to feeling so hurt and rejected. I spoke them out loud only once to a family member, and then sought someone's advice which relaxed me a bit. And dealt with any anger of wanting to hurt others on my own, using meditation, music and working on myself.

Last night I was particularly sad. I don't know why. I continued to do things to make myself feel better. This morning I came upstairs while other people were still around. My Grandmother was there and in the kitchen. They had used a pot with grits in it, and I wanted to get a small spot to cook some oatmeal in it. The grits which were in the sink were stuck to the pan and I really just wanted to quickly cook the oatmeal so I could go back on working on my novel (which felt good). My Grandmother told me to wash out the pot in the sink, and I said no, I'll use this pot I have now. She got angry at me and said then wash out your pot AND that pot, and I said I'll wash out MY Pot but I won't wash out BOTH pots (that didn't seem fair to me). She said OK and left. I cooked the oatmeal and washed out my pot and put it under the stove where I could use it again (as they kept taking the pot I was going to use again anyway, and felt it would avoid issues).

I sit down and try to meditate and focus back on my writing. And I receive a text from my grandmother telling me I am rude and disrespectful and that she wants me to 'shower daily' and be a different person or leave. I said OK, I'll find another place to go I guess.

There is actually no place I can go other than living in my car which I have been planning for quite some time anyway, as I felt living here was a very volatile situation. She places a lot of demands on me and now that my grandfather has died there is no 'middle-man', suddenly I feel like I am walking on egg-shells, and I cannot cope with dealing with that. My Mother used to abuse me and my father does not take my mental health seriously, and has expectations of me that I can't fill right now. Thus for the past few years I have been planning and preparing for homelessness. Because I had emotionally gotten to a space where I accepted homelessness I simply said OK. Going back to college ONLINE brought me some time (as if I did not go to school I had to get a job and make money). But getting a job was not doing so well because my anxiety was so severe with handling those situations and talking to strangers that even applying for a job and asking for a single job application left me so exhausted and in tears that I thought I can't live like this and felt suicide was my only option.

Today in response, I kept to myself and stayed in my room as per usual (but more so than usual) after coming home from volunteering. And when I came out of my room my clothes were thrown out of their normal container and the container was used for ice. Suddenly all the work I had been doing on my emotions to keep from getting out of control shattered, and I became very angry. So angry that I started thinking extreme violent thoughts.

I thought, this is why I keep telling people I don't WANT to live with people. This is why I declined offers by people to live with them, that they feel that they have the right to throw my stuff around whenever THEY get angry. I thought it is not fair that she can throw my stuff around but I cannot throw her stuff around. It is not fair that I have to wash MY POT AND HER POT out and that a single POT had to be made into such a BIG DEAL. It was ONE POT, out of everything that is going on my decision to use and wash my own Pot had to be such a big deal?

It's not fair that choosing to keep and wash my own pot was interpreted as RUDE and that all of a sudden I have been nothing but rude and disrespectful, when I have not gotten in her way this past few weeks and haven't even seen her. I Felt SO ANGRY that no matter what I felt she wouldn't give a damn, and that the only way to make anyone care about how I was feeling was to violently express it in a way that ended it alll for me and others. I wanted to remind people that I was not POWERLESS, that I did have some POWER and that people couldn't just walk all over and try to hurt me whenever they were upset. (OF COURSE I know that is truly being POWERLESS and true POWER is getting in control over your emotions)

AND it is for this reason that THIS thought scared me. It scared me because I felt POWERLESS and even more POWERLESS in response to my anger. The fact that I was so angry that I wanted to hurt myself or others scared me 100%. I thought people are better off NOT being my friends because I have anger inside me like this waiting to come out, and that I am NOT safe to be around. I quickly took some herbal medicines I have to calm me down: L-Theanine, PassionFlower and Ashwangda, and saved the Schizandra for tomorrow as that would keep me awake. I even considered taking Valerian and Kanna. Shortly after taking them the anger I felt began to dissipate and I felt BETTER, but still I recalled the ANGER that was there. And I thought I do not know what to do.

Beneath all this anger I feel sad and powerless. I feel like there are double standards everywhere, and that people know this and take advantage of it, even people who claim to be GOOD. They know they have power, the power not to be my friend, the power to reject me, the power to take the roof over my head. And they HAVE that power because of my own inadequacies that I have been so depressed over for many years. They have power over me because I struggle to be as independent when it comes to having a job, making a good income--they know this and they take advantage of it, and there is nothing I can do except make peace with homelessness and living on the streets. And it makes me ANGRY. It makes me want to hurt others and myself and I feel so ANGRY that I feel that way.

These are all things I need to bring up with my therapist who I will see Tuesday. But to cut it short I am very sad right now and thought to reach out online. I feel very sad now. I doubt I will have to go and live on the streets anytime like tomorrow. But I know that I don't want to live here, and I've been feeling it for a while, and maybe it's time I do just move and live on the streets. Maybe the consequence for being who I am as a person means that I can't live with people, and maybe the consequence for having my brain means that homelessness is a natural thing for me. I can accept that, I just feel angry because I live in a world that was not built for me at all, and have to jump through 100 more hoops just to survive and be understood (if at all). And that is why I don't want to be here anymore, why I struggle so much with wanting to live even IF I have so much to give.

I'm just tired. 100% I'm tired and I don't know some days how much I want this. I know I MUST want it if I'm still here, but still. That's the way I feel. Guess I'm just looking for an empathetic ear because right now I feel very much alone.

It sounds like a lot of your turmoil stems from not feeling like you're being heard. It's very difficult and frustrating to feel ignored or dismissed. It's good that you've sought ways to deal or mitigate your anger outbursts. I'm sorry you're not in a good place right now.

I'd stay away from the ashwagandha if I were you. It always increased my anxiety level despite its reputation otherwise.

That's a lot how I feel a lot. Except insted of exlpoding I implode because I really can;t afford to explode because i don't have a job and my life will be made hell if the people i live with are mad at me.
So like the thing with pot, I understand that. my brother doesn't do his dishes he just leaves dishes full of food sitting by the sink. the food dries and then its hell to get off. I never do this. I can't remember I time I've ever done this, and yet if I point it out to my brother he gets extremely defensive and says that I'm one to talk and stuff so I've learned never to point anything out and always just avoid common areas most of the time and half the time do his dishes.
I really don't get why people do stuff like this. And then we're the ones pinned with TOM deficits and lack of empathy and such. BS.
I know that probably doesn't help you, but I'm just saying you aren't alone with this kind of crap, so I guess we can kind of be on the same team even though we can't really help each other.

Recently I ordered a book, "You have something to say." or you have to say something. Though I like my memory of it better. I do feel often like I have something to say and I just want to be heard and understood. It's so frustrating to be called unappreciative, rude, etc. over small and tiny things that don't translate into how I feel. I've even been accused of taken advantage of others, but I don't understand how that is possible when my motive is not there.

I'm mostly tired of feeling weak and powerless as a result of not having a voice. Of having to cope and handle the voices of others, and having those voices have such an effect on me because of my inabilities that lead to dependencies on others.

I am so fed up that I'd rather just be homeless--It would not make me happy, I do not want to be homeless per se. But I feel it's my only option. I don't see any other choices. I can't LIVE here, so it means I have to LIVE out there, there aren't any resources available for me that I know of so what are my options? I imagine that something good could come out of being homeless if I am open to it. Now I just have to cope with the anxiety of being outside and around people and I think that I very well could learn to. I've been mapping out internet cafes, working on getting a 1TB hard drive (I just wasn't sure if I should order it online or buy it in person because I don't know if I'd be welcome here and would have to leave by the time it came). I am trying to decide if I should build a small cage or buy a small cage, and what tools I need to get, and where I can find and recycle tents. And how much stuff I want to bring, and calculating where I need to move (because of gas) and how to tell the people who I volunteer with that I'm moving closer to the horses.

I've also thought about WWOOFING but the subscription fee cost $35's,and that is $35 that could buy me one months food and more. That and not everyone is dog friendly and I would need to be close to the horses I work with and have easy access to my therapist, and I'd hate to spend money for a service just to feel like I can't use it because there are no nearby areas.



I think that is similar to my case, I am not allowed to explode in this situation so I implode, as I can't afford to do it otherwise. In my case I don't wash a lot of dishes but I don't USE a lot of dishes either and I am a bit of a mess/unhygenic within MY AREA. I don't for instance mess up their area, I mess up my area only. I am not heavy on using dishes and usually eat food with paper plates, my hands. But that they use more than me and feel I don't contribute, even though I make it a point to be as invisible as possible (I'm not incredibly helpful, though I wouldn't say I'm incredibly unhelpful either, I'm in pretty neutral territory, and work best when left alone and can help when ASKED nicely rather than demanded and told with ultimatums/OR ELSE). Like my rule is I only shower when I go out (or if I need to clear my mind). I don't see a problem with putting on deodorant instead of showering when I KNOW that the odor comes from my arms and that nobody will notice except for my grandmother who refuses to accept that a quick rinse under the arms and deodorant can work wonders esp. if you showered the DAY before. It's extremely frustrating for me to be dictated to how often I have to shower (even if I'm not going anywhere) and whose dishes to wash and not to wash (even when asking me nicely and explaining that it would be helpful instead of demanding and yelling at me for not being helpful will usually work 100x's better, otherwise I think, why would I wash your dish and mine on demand, when all I want is a small pot I can stow away for later when I'm in a rush?).

It's frustrating being trapped inside my mind, trying to help in the ways that I am able and then be spit on because it was not good enough or the way they wanted it to be. To do things the way that is natural to them, but unnatural for me. Which is OK, when you live with other people as a dependent there are going to be these issues. Which is why I NEED to be living independently. My frustration has been that I don't have the means to live independently and I've been working on those means for years now and failing and feeling depressed for failing. My only option is to ACCEPT homelessness or reject it and kill myself, and I don't feel like the latter is the right choice for me right now. I feel like I have to give it a chance...maybe being homeless won't be as bad as I think and it'll be better for me esp. if I can make the best out of it and enjoy it and utilize all the things I 've learned about: dumpster-diving (at night), WWOOF, volunteering, gardening, car-dwelling, van-dwelling.

If I can plan everything carefully maybe I am more equipped than I think, and maybe living in my car with my laptop my own pot and plate will be how I'm better off. It's just the process of accepting homelessness and reminding myself that I can cope with it, that I can survive and even be happy homeless is something I have a hard time believing until it is so.

Homelessness is the option when there are no options left to you. You speak of having "your area". Do you have a quiet room, or place near your home that is specifically yours? If not, what if you could map out your personal zone? Somewhere that no one can intrude on you, and no one can dictate about it.
You must see how trying to be invisible is completely contradictory to what you need. Are you trying to avoid conflict? There has to be a way to address your issues calmly and in a matter of fact manner, even if you have to write it down. Your problems may not trump everyone else's, but they do deserve equal footing.

I thought about this today and realized: All I want is to be independent. I don't want them to change or be anything other than who they are. I love my Grandmother. I just....I want to be independent, and a part of me is starting to feel like homelessness is my only way to get it.

Making money is not working out the way I'd like it to. Getting a job isn't going to happen for me tomorrow. I LOVE and am forever grateful for what I have, but what I have comes with a steep emotional price. Feeling like a burden, being accused of behaviours and things that aren't true. And having my security held over my head like something people can use at gun point...I don't feel safe and secure living dependently on others.

I WANT independence. At the moment homelessneess feels like the only way to get it, and I don't understand it right now. I'm not sure what I'll do or how I'll do it with my Anxiety, but I feel like it is the best choice compared to feeling like a guest who can't meet the expected needs, and is expected even by people in the society to do what doesn't feel natural to me. I don't know, it doesn't seem like the BEST way but it feels like the ONLY way especially since I don't see me being Independent anytime soon--so I think sometimes by being here I'm just delaying the inevitable fate that my life demands on account of not being able to hold (well get) a job (due to the intense anxiety etc.).

I just need to figure out enough money to pay for my car insurance and yearly registration fees, and even some food (THE VERY BASIC PRIORITIES). Those are the biggest things. I'm not quite sure how I'll do that if I can't even make enough now (not for lack of trying). One way is to calculate how much insurance would be yearly and then attempt to pay it all at once by the year. I do best with yearly rather than monthly fee calculations. Then there is figuring out how to make that money. And if I can't make that money well I'm agoraphobic---I need to live in an enclosed area, and I need the mobility to travel so living in car or van (car because of gas) feels like the better alternative. :S. It's just the HOW TO Part (income = socializing aspect) that gets me. I can figure it out online sure but that's something I would have to do on my laptop at a cafe during my spare time.

I don't see any other alternatives...do you see other alternatives? I really genuinely see homelessness as my only plausible option.

get an android tablet, solar charger, and a collapsible bike to use for saving fuel. That os what I am working on obtaining in the event that homelessness becomes reality. I. csn survive on sour cream, avocados, cheese and votamins, and rely on public restrooms.


hope to avoid it but be prepared and have a plan.

I could survive being homeless...I already have a mapped out plan. But I could not survive without my car (for various reasons I will spare the elaboration on) and figuring out the income I need to just pay for the insurance, registration and any future repairs/maintenance is something I am not having an easy time figuring out. It's the only LARGE fee I have to worry about and I can't even figure that out!

I just honestly can't figure out how to generate a measly $300-400/month. That's all I want, that's all I need, but there are some barriers that have prevented me from generating a steady monthly income which is part of the reason why my 'living in a van' idea fell down the gutter (Wasn't prepared for gas and repairs and buying a vehicle that was broken), now I have a small car that is better on gas, semi-new, and not broken. Smaller less comfortable to sleep in, but still a place to sleep.