Dear "You"...From "Me"-Letters Unsent

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I don't even know if I want to talk to you to be honest. I'm a tired upset mess and the chances of me f*****g things up and hurting myself even more than I am at the moment are stupidly high.
I miss my friends, ok, I think you kinda need to know that about me, before anything else tbh - I miss my friends like hell and I'm stuck having no-one to talk to, not slagging my immediate family because they are awesome but sometimes they are just too much them and I miss people my own age for some reason.
Does that help make more sense of me ?
So turns out I'm not a total introvert just 99% percent of the time, that's why I miss my friends and f*****g latch on to whichever unfortunate soul gets near me and acts kind enough.
Getting there ?
Second, you might have noticed I am a total introvert 99% percent of the time, added to my aspergers dyspraxia f**kup combo means social interaction is f*****g difficult and stressy as all hell - which makes me tired. An exhausted, slow-processing, emotional I just want to cry - sort of tired. And when I'm like that I don't function, I'm grumpy, sleepy, confused and generally make no sense - I know that.
Oh and I have no filters or sense of what I should say, shouldn't say or when I should or shouldn't say stuff. I reallly don't.
and I hate it.
It's got me into enough trouble with people too often, especially people I care about - friends and family.
Is this making any sort of sense ?
But it means I'm generally ridiculously honest and blunt - I find it difficult to manage people, to try and say the right things at the right time and not just say what I'm thinking because that will invariably come across as not the way I'm thinking and sound wrong.
So yeah - I am literal and unmanipulative - seriously showing up when someone is working so I can see them is about as manipulative as I get.
Does that help ?
Sorry this is dragging on, I'm getting to a sleepy tired state and could just stare into space forever sort of feeling.
But yeah, also I wasn't kidding when I complained a lot about how hard checkouts are for me, really they are co-ordination hell and multi-tasking hell - I know that I'm getting help and everyones been nice about it so far but it's still hard. - Oh and I'm sorry for complaining to you and being a s**t listener .
Oh and I know I apologise too much - guess I do have self-esteem issues as well as everything else. But yeah, my friends and family, have both nicely pointed out to me that I apologise too much I try and keep it to a minimum which is easy when I feel sunny, happy and bloody functional.
Not so easy when I've had 2 weeks of trying to organise everything in my house with a few added extras thrown in.
Tbh I miss being that happy.
I don't think that helped there.
But tbh all I'm trying to say is sorry for being such a mess, I'd like to be friends with you if you don't mind - and if you do mind please make it obvious. I'd rather hurt straight up than have any more of this confusion
from
D------
xoxoxoxoxoxoxox
PS - I wish I had a way to show you this - I'm so much better at making sense in writing than talking.
Love
Me

Dear Mr N,

A series of nuances I've picked up on suggest that people are spreading rumours and joking about us two having something going on (or at least each of us "liking" each other that way). I'm sure you will find it hypocritical and funny that some the people probably laughing are guilty of the exact thing they're gossiping about. I know I do. What I want to know is why do I feel like this is just another reason I'm being held back advancement wise? Are alleged office affairs welcome when it's with a married partner but not when it's with a bachelor senior consultant? Well, lets face it, my short skirted colleague isn't getting held back any. She didn't end up going to Sydney with him, maybe the other partners pulled him aside and told him it was inappropriate. How she managed to afford her current holiday to Asia while being a single mum only working part time is beyond me. If you and me were involved our relationship would certainly have more integrity than theirs.

Not that I want to be involved with you. You're just a nice man who also happens to be nice to me. I'm just a girl who gets attached to people in the usual unstable way I get attached to people who treat me better than sub-class. I don't take it seriously, it's just my head at the end of the day. Anything we'd have together would have foundations made of disorder (and age inappropriateness). I guess everyone sees that I like you and interprets it in negative ways that are intended to hurt me. You're the first person in my entire working life that has made me feel smart, appreciated, good at what I do and like I could be competent at doing a lot more. I really credit you for the increase in my confidence at work over the last 12 months. Your photocopier is s**t, there's nothing to eat for lunch over there, I'm wasting petrol and you have an annoying unefficient way of doing things. But for some reason working in your office and interacting with you makes me happy. I've been thinking of asking you to be a referee on my resume but I've been too scared due to the inevitable question of "why?" and the disappointment I'd know you'd feel at the prospect of me leaving (you'd fall behind in your workload again too). To be honest you and the rest of the staff over there are the only people I'd wish to say a proper goodbye to.

Just... if you catch wind of the gossip please don't second guess and be self-critical of your behavior towards me. The goss started due to how I'm acting, not you. You've done nothing wrong. And if I leave it had nothing to do with you. I'll explain the other s**t later.

With like,
Me

Dear E,
You are not normal. You are not normal at all. That's not an insult.
From Me

Dear F

I just randomly clicked on the song "On a day like Today" by Keane, and well, thoughts of you instantly flooded back. But I'm glad i couldn't find the words to say since you deserve the best, and i'm just the very worst of the lot. I hope you're happy and knowing that I'm not in any way happy, makes me glad you're nowhere near my misery. i was just lucky that you were the type that at least pitied a person like me.

i_w_b

Dear Ms. F

I thought you cared about me. But, because of you I was put into that awful program. Because of you I had to deal with K (I adress him as K, as he is not deserving of any title). Because of you everyone at the first school thinks I'm crazy. Because of you I thought of suicide almost every day for more than a year. Because of you I had to sever ties with people who were once my friends. Because of you I am mentally scarred. No thanks to you, I am happy now.

I once looked up to you. But because of you, I hate you.

From, FurryTech01

hey, _____,
please don't think i'm here because i don't miss you.
i do. not a day goes by that i don't think of you.

Dear Dhp (Age 18)

Hi, Dhp. I know you don't trust me, and can't believe what you see...but this is you 22 years from now. Let me give you some advice - (smacks him on the head) Listen you arrogant piece of ^%$#@ I'm trying to help you!

First, you think something is wrong with you. Look up autism. You have it; there is nothing wrong with you at all! For God's sakes, stop putting yourself down! You're only different; no worse than any other human being. You have compassion for good people; why do you think you're so damned evil? Because you can't understand relationships and personal interactions? So what? Be yourself.

Second, you're going to be a great pianist...HA! Listen to me you stubborn (censored)! Music is not where you belong. You will discover that you do not have the right personality for it, and because you didn't pay attention to all of the piano teachers when they told you to not look down when you played, you will reach a limit and not be able to pass it. You know that interest in math you discovered a couple of years ago? Right - That's it!! ! That is where you belong, Dhp!!
You need to teach this stuff to others. You have the perfect personality to help others learn math. Be careful, because this is very important, Dhp.

You must pace yourself, and understand that this is hard...do every math problem you can in college; make sure you have a great foundation. I mean it! Why? because at the age of 25 - just before you get your B.A., you will have a mental and nervous breakdown! All of this, because you didn't do every problem, and you didn't pace yourself well. You tried way to hard, and you couldn't handle the stress! You don't believe me? Damnit - look at me! I am the result of that - all because of your perfectionistic beliefs and unrealistic expectations. It is your fault - I'd kill you right now if it wasn't for the fact that I would disappear too. You and your depression - what gives you the right to think that you deserve more? Boo hoo hoo....you were bullied, so what? Wait until you get into the real world, where they have guns.

Third, will you ever finish what you start? I mean seriously - how many music projects do you have unfinished? I only have a BA in math; you need a MA to do anything in that career...you HAVE to finish any goal!! ! You the scourage of humanity - you need to get disciplined and fast! I am telling you - do every single problem in every math book you can get your hands on!! ! Practice!! The piano is not the way; you are a nervous wreck when you perform. You're not going to get any better that way. Do what you love...teach, damnit! I promise, you will be happier with yourself in the end. Now before I beat you up and leave you wounded for the punishment you have bestowed on me from not following your true passion, I must go. You're lucky. Heed my damn words, and stop being so stubborn about it.

Sincerely,
Dhp from the future.

P.S. I will be back!

Dear Joel,

I just want to know. But I'm too scared to ask.

Kezz

Dear Coffeeparent ,
I do not like coffee. You drink too much coffee. You smell of coffee. You used my spoon in your coffee. Now my spoon smells of coffee. Then you used my new mug. Now my mug smells of coffee too. It was one of my favourite mugs... before you put coffee in it.
- Please stop using my things.
- Please stop trying to look over my shoulder at what I'm doing.
- NEVER sit in my chair again.
- Please stop speaking to me when I'm trying to read. Unless it's something extremely important.
- I don't want to talk about school. I don't want to think about school. Now I'm going to spend the rest of the day worrying about school because you won't shut up.
- I don't want to join the army; I hate teamwork. Maybe once I get a diagnosis you'll shut up.
- Please stop making stupid comments. They aren't funny. They're annoying.
- Please go back home.

I'm trying very hard not to be like you now. In fact, I'm trying not to be like my mother either. Some people are proud to be like their parents. I'm not one of them.

I would say all this to your face, but I can't work out how to do it politely and I know you would want to talk to me about it, which would be even more irritating.
I am easily irritated. Although I'm rarely really angry, if you continue to irritate me I will be. I don't want to be angry. You don't want me to be angry.

From Me

Dear *,

Thank you for always being the responsible one and looking after everyone else. Thank you for not taking me stressing the hell out because of your friends personally the other night. Thank you for not trying to talk to me. Thank you for not trying to "fix" my feelings by telling me to relax, calm down, take it easy or be happy. Thank you for simply pulling me out to dance instead. Thank you for doing silly things while dancing until you make me smile and be happy again. Thank you for understanding women instead of trying to fix us. This is why you are my favourite, although I will never tell you that. You are a treasure.

Love,
Me.

Dear A-hole who tortured me for 13 years of public education,

I do not want to be your Facebook friend. Stop sending me messages about your life, because I really don't want to hear that your hepatitis is killing you, especially since you just posted pictures of you chugging beer out of a pitcher and doing a keg stand on your public profile.

Sincerely,
The guy who is not failing at life quite as badly as you

Dear all of you,

If I am annoying you or making you uncomfortable, please let me know.

Sincerely,
<---

Pot. Kettle. Black. Again. I do miss you. Take care of yourself, and find happiness.

Dear M and J,

Thank you. I can't say it enough. Thank you for the love and happiness you make me feel and for giving me a reason to look forward to the future and for inspiring me. Thank you.

Love,
Maija

Characterizing some things as friendship has always been dubious. I gave it an honest shot, and my conscience rests easy. Au revoir, mes amis.

Dear Spouse:


***

Never mind. If I say it in public all hell will break loose. And you already know. You already know.

I'm sorry for everything.