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i just feel really lost right now.
i need help. i wish there was a way for me to be admitted to the mental hospital in my town without anyone knowing.
i just want to get help. i want people to stop telling me that they'll be there to help, because they never are. i spilled my guts to someone two hours ago and they haven't said anything.
my parents put me in therapy after my second suicide attempt. we had to call child protective services and play the whole "where on the doll did he touch you" thing which was stupid. did you know that people with intellectual disabilities are four times more likely to be sexually abused? and that for neurotypicals, the statistics are 1 in four girls and 1 in 6 boys?
it's been 722 days. almost two years since the last time. my anniversary is next week and i made my best friend promise to be with me on that day. well that's going to be hard for him since he just stopped talking to me. i have episodes every single night, and he's the only one in my life who knows how to make them stop. i've tried to kill myself during them. but that doesn't matter to anyone but him. and half the time it doesn't matter to him. i'm so sick of this. i'm sick of people telling me how well i'm doing when i'm not. i'm not better, i just talk less. i don't let people read my poetry anymore. i don't cry out of nowhere because i just don't care. i genuinely tried to cry today but i just got a headache. people say i "wander" when i'm upset. i don't "wander", i try to get away from everyone.
it's only been seven hours. everyone knows what's going on, that we're fighting. but he doesn't even care. he's got some girl friend now. talks to her all the time. they're not dating yet but he doesn't neglect to tell me how normal she is. she doesn't cry when people touch her. she doesn't get headaches from too many noises. she doesn't bounce or count or flap or anything. i get it. i'm a freak. i f*****g get it.
this is just me complaining about everything that i don't deserve to complain about. i messed up. and i'm going back and forth between "this is all my fault" and "i don't care if you're in my life or not". i'm just exhausted. it hurts. he keeps telling me how much i hurt him, but what about me. why don't my feelings matter. why doesn't he care that he makes me hate myself.

sickity,

You sound like you have a lot going on in your life. You have my utmost sympathy.
What is bothering you the most right now? Is it life in general, or something specific?

i just want my best friend back.

You want your best friend back. Now, what are you doing to make that possible?

sorry this distance with your friend is happening. sorry about the abuse in your past and the way it still affects you. i'm glad you are reaching out for help. if you feel you need the hospital, don't let embarrassment stop you. you are important. you deserve help.

He ignored you? Not very friendly if you ask me. What is his personality like?

it's been 44 and a half hours.
he usually talks to me all day every day. he's very analytic, but still pleasant to be around. he's quite smart. he's usually around when i have meltdowns and such, but clearly not for the last two days. very comforting.
i walked to the hospital yesterday because i was afraid for my own safety. but then i chickened out and walked home because i couldn't find my words.