I do want to move out, but....

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I've got myself into a habit of becoming all stressed out when relatives come to our house, or if there are too many people there at once, especially late afternoons and evenings. Noise upsets me, and I can't stand the sight and sound of my brother (we don't get on), but he won't move out. My mum thinks I should move out, and the more she says it the more I realise she might be right. I could feel more free to do what I wanted, invite back who I want when I want, and can have more peace without the noise and stress of other people.

But there are a couple of reasons that are holding me back.

I only work as a part-time cleaner, which I am happy with, but I'm afraid of moving out will mean I'll have to work full-time, and I know I won't be able to cope with it. I'm NOT lazy, I just have executive dysfunction, on top of anxiety issues, and I don't think I will be able to cope with having the pressure to have to be at work 5-6 days a week, and come home to do all the household chores as well, and look after myself (washing, shaving, etc). Also time to myself is very important to me, and I think I will just shut down if I had to be at work socialising all day 6 days a week. I'm sure other Aspies here can relate.

And also I worry about neighbours. Where I live now (a fair-sized house), we're not on top of our neighbours. We have big gardens, and the houses have thick walls. But if I moved out, I'll have a place no bigger than a flat (apartment), joined on to other flats, and I've known people who live in flats who have heard noise from loud surrounding neighbours, like having parties and little kids screaming nearby. That also really worries me because I just cannot function with other people's noise.

Has anyone else have this worry when moving out of your parent's house? How did you manage to sort these worries out? And don't say move out with mates because I haven't got many friends, and the ones I have got aren't convenient to just agree to move out somewhere with me.

Hello Jo90,

I was very glad to move out my parents house but it's true that, even working hard all my live, I've had to suffer all the troubles that you fear related to the neighborhood - especially for the last twenty years.

I also have times where I want my own place, like right now because I had another fight with my family, and the worst part is, we're on vacation and we've been fighting in-between for 3 days in a row. Unfortunately, I have no job, and I'm still trying to get my high school diploma, which I have less than 2 years to do, and I was over halfway through my courses online.

As an interim measure, could you put a caravan in the back yard? That would give you and your family privacy.

I can relate. Actually I had been fully independent and living on my own or with roommates since I was 19. And also lived with a boyfriend for 4 years and my now ex husband for 4 years ( while we were engaged and then married). Then due to an injury and bad economy and my un dx'd AS issues, plus a job falling through at the last minute, I had to choose between homelessness and moving back with my parents who lived in a different state at the age of 42. I am now 45. I do pay them full market value rent but I do want a place of my own. Yet I am anxious. What if I can't be independent again? What if I can't keep a job? I want to move back to California or somewhere else besides Arizona where I do not fit in at all and feel and act more autistic than ever because I am stressed and overwhelmed but can't afford therapy and don't have healh insurance etc. I used to be more fearless about moving even though change is hard and meeting new people is hard for me. Anyway I can relate.

Before I worked full time, I didn't think I could be able to handle it. I started out with being on Social Security and getting a job finally and moving out and living in my grandpa's rental home. My work hours varied and I worked between part time and full time. It would get stressful when I would work too long. I thought it was just me being lazy so I pushed myself. I still had time for myself. I would come home and watch TV or play video games or do the computer and I had a routine. Then I moved to another state and worked full time, I worked swing shift and I did my things every morning and early noon before I had to leave for work and I would come home at 12 in the morning and do the computer until two in the morning and go to bed. I was very tired by then and i always got up at ten. It was my routine so I could still have my time.I have always liked cleaning too so it was never stressful for me and it was always a fun thing for me. I just kept things picked up so it wouldn't be too bad. I would wait until my dishes would be piled up or until I was out of bowls or something and I would wash them and leave them to dry.


This was before I had kids so it was just me only and my own home. Then I lived with my aunt and uncle and I was always in the bedroom I stayed in so the rest of the house was never an issue nor picking up after myself. They had rules like put the dish in the dishwasher, leave the dish in the sink if it's full, wipe up you crumbs, clean up after yourself. hang up your towel.

I always had two days off from work when i worked full time and back in Montana, my work days varied but I never worked six days a week. Least days I had off were two and other times I had five off and it went by how busy we were or how not busy we were. In the winter, things were very slow and there was a week when I didn't work at all. It was always unpredictable when I would have off but the boss always made a next week's schedule for next week so I got to see what days I had off and you could request days off too before the boss made her next week schedule. It was pretty flexible and I hated when I had the same days off at my old job because I had to miss out on lot of stuff and it was no fun. You couldn't request days off for fun, it was only used for like when you had appointments or something. I learned that months later after a misunderstanding so I was abusing the request days off because I didn't understand the rule.



Now I work part time and I have a kid and I worry about working full time because I don't want to risk losing my job by trying to work full time and then find it too stressful and then I end up quitting and being unemployed and we need the money so I stick with part time. Maybe someday in the future I will work full time again when my son is old enough to care for himself at home and keep things picked up and not need me all day long. Also maybe when he is old enough to have his own life despite still being underage. Teens pretty much have their own life at home. I know I did and so did my brothers but in fact they still had to be watched and supervised to see who they are with and what kid of friends they are with so I think I was an easier teen because I didn't need to be watched because I didn't have friends and didn't go hanging out with groups and I didn't have parties or always have people over like they did. So they didn't really have their own life, I did but not them.


I think when you get disability, it makes it easier to get employment because you can quit and not worry about not having any income if you find out the job isn't right for you or it's too much for you to handle or finding out you can't work that many hours and that many days. Disability payment is like your safety net when you try and be independent and see what your limits are without worrying about trying and fearing the what ifs and not do it.

if you move into a council place and only working a certain amount of hours you can claim council tax benefit or something like that (cant remember exactly what the min/max number of hours has to be to be able to claim). thats what i did when i first moved out when i was 28, but that was back in the 90s so it might have changed. anyway its always worth looking in to. ive known people who live on their own who only work part time.