I hate myself

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Well actually it's more complicated than that. I don't hate myself. I hate the part of myself that comes out whenever I'm around other people. I hate the fact that I become a shy, anxious, semi mute idiot. I hate the way people make assumptions about me and speak for me instead of asking me. I hate what they think about me because of what they see. I hate the way I feel like I'm trapped inside my own body and can't show anyone who I really am. I hate the way that when they do ask me about me, I can't answer or I give a short, easy response that might not be true, just because its easier to say. I hate seeing that part of myself.

All of that stuff isn't a part of you. It's just stuff you do because you're trying to survive in a hostile environment. You are not what you say and do. As long as you tell yourself that all that is a part of you, you won't have the energy and guts to change it. You can change it - but only when you learn to see it as changeable. Like hunger, anxiety is a state of being - not a part of who you are. You don't have to be someone else to get rid of your anxiety.

One thing that helps me fight off anxiety is to keep questioning my point of view. What is making me anxious? Why is it making me anxious? Does it make sense to be anxious about it or can I not think of a real reason why I'm anxious about it? etc. Even if there are no big answers or solutions, it is at least a way of pulling yourself out of a bad moment that you can get stuck in and make worse by dwelling in it.

Practice putting yourself in social situations where you feel anxious (cognitively slap yourself and jump in). Plan phrases, jokes, etc. before hand. Try them (what do you have to lose? you will always meet new people that don't know about the embarrassing thing you said/did last week/month/year). Think about the events afterward. What did and did not work? What are the differences between the stuff that did and did not work? If something worked on one person and not another, what was different between the two people?

But anyway, #1 point here: you need to separate your sense of self from memories of your actions - it will help you "fail" more gracefully and bounce back more quickly.

I don't see it as being a part of my personality. It is however a part of me in the sense that when in social situations, that is how I act.

I think part of the reason why I hate it so much is exactly because I don't see it as part of me. For years, my mum kept trying to tell me to accept I'm a quiet, shy person, because then I wouldn't fight it so much or hate it so much. I should just learn to accept that that's who I am. I don't feel like it is me though.

I do appreciate your reply and that you are trying to help me, so please don't take this the wrong way, but when I said I hate the assumptions people make about me, part of that is the assumption that I'm anxious because I don't try to not be anxious. People think I don't know calming techniques, I don't challenge my thoughts, I think stupid things etc. Well I do try. I've read self help books, been to therapy, tried meds, tried herbal remedies, tried different diets, tried socialising more (until I had mental breakdowns), tried socialising less, tried pretending to act like someone else, analysing all my thoughts, thinking about things differently, planning everything in advance, socialising in different situations and environments etc etc etc.

I seem to still have extreme anxiety, even after trying everything!

I once was so desperate, I stuck with socialising with someone for many hours a day for years. I did it even though I experienced mental breakdowns, collapsed from exhaustion, frequently couldn't speak for hours etc. It took two years before I started to feel non anxious and comfortable around them. Two years!

I don't know what to do. It's like a curse that follows me. I want to get rid of it.

I have been through a period of not socialising at all, because I couldn't stand having to be that anxious person. Now I've started again and it's back again and I hate myself again. I just don't know what to do. Maybe I should just accept it as part of myself instead of trying to keep murdering it?

The only other option I can think of is becoming outwardly more autistic. Ie wearing ear protection all the time, keeping big distances between myself and who I'm talking to, stimming, writing things down etc. I don't know if I'd hate myself even more then though. After all, I've spent my whole life suppressing everything so I can appear as normal as possible, so if I look more autistic, I'd feel like I wasn't being me again, and I was getting worse and just failing at life.

I hate myself, too.

I know it's not as simple as just practice or trying to develop techniques. I've had really crippling anxiety most of my life. And like you, I read self-help books and reasoned with myself and it didn't help in the end because I'd go into a social situation and my mind would just shut off and I'd forget all my planning and promises to myself.

Most of my break-throughs have been after meltdowns, just suddenly deciding that I wasn't going to feel a certain way anymore or do a certain thing anymore, like flipping a switch in my brain. But those are traumatic experiences (e.g. in battle) that I did not ask for.

I still think you are viewing yourself in a dichotomous sort of way - as though you are a collection of things, one of which is an anxious persona - and that in certain situations you step into that skin that you don't like. As though you become a different person. How is that possible? Doesn't it make more sense that you are always as good as you (which you should define as only all the things you've done and thought that you think are good), and there are just these behaviors that don't feel good but that you default into when in certain situations? That makes more sense to me. Then if they are just behaviors then you are safe from them messing with you and who you are. Again, what you do is not you. Once you can get a gut feeling of that, you can think freer and more objectively in the moment and control your behavior, to communicate who you feel you really are.

Feel free to pm me. I can get ultra-philosophical and have to explain myself in different ways.