I took an Asperger's diagnostic test and got a 44, which put me in the category of having Asperger's Syndrome. I've never been officially diagnosed, but have been wondering lately, especially since I've quit almost every one of the 15 jobs I've ever had (and I'm only 33). The following is a long blurb about why I think I might have Asperger's. I don't know what to do with all this, but I am curious if anyone can relate to me or has any insight on these things I mention.
Also, when did you suspect you had Asperger's, and were you diagnosed? Did you seek help yourself? I don't have insurance and am too embarrassed to reach out, but it might help explain my problems lately. Not really sure, but maybe you can relate to this:
I don't know if I have Asperger's, but I suspect I do because I have always struggled with most of what is mentioned here. My mom says that when I was a baby, I needed tons of structure, and I repetitively would bang my head back and forth (I still do at age 33), need to rock when I'm tired, and need to constantly hit my foot on the floor. When I was given an evaluation for a job, I was told that I had trouble with ambiguity, although I think I'm an abstract thinker. In kindergarten, I had to repeat the year because of a suspected "vestibular processing disorder" that my mom never followed up on, but I have had problems with dizziness, peripheral vision, heat, and ANY excessive stimulation, to the point of panic, anxiety, and tears. I don't know why I'm so sensitive.
I can relate to being socially inappropriate too. When I started teaching, my principal called my mom to tell her that, though I seem very bright and knowledgeable, he thought I'd have "more common sense" than I've shown, because I accidentally left a student outside. It's just that I didn't think to go get her because she was with her mom, not that I was being mean. I also was shunned by a school secretary because I was carrying a large load of objects in my arms when she asked if she could take my picture for my employee badge. I said sure, but didn't put my objects down. She told me I should go put them in my classroom, but I didn't get the hint, so I said "no, that's ok." She said, "NO REALLY. PUT THE OBJECTS DOWN." I said "Really?" And she gave me a sharp look, so I put the objects on the couch in the school lobby, not really thinking I was blocking people from sitting down. I tend to make stupid mistakes like that. I also didn't think to clean up rat feces from the counter of my classroom after rats had come in, but I spent hours obsessively sorting books from my classroom library and arranging them by genre, title, etc. I am really embarrassed about all this. I'm not a bad person, but I can do stupid things like that.
My sister in law had a huge fight with me because I told her (in front of her friends) that she wasn't in love with her boyfriend. I said it matter-of-factly, and began to define different definitions of infatuation, love, etc. from others' perspectives, but she thought I was attacking her and said she was going to kick my ---. I didn't know why she was so upset and became very withdrawn and anxious whenever I had to see her, even when we made up.
To this day, my heart still races when I think about making a mistake like that again. But I'm afraid I will. I can relate to the obsessiveness. I often make Excel spreadsheet lists of all the books I have own, read, like, etc. It seems pointless, but I find relief and/or comfort in it. I don't like small talk or parties and have been told I'm too serious, intense, and stiff. I find myself having to kind of fake reactions but I hate anything fake. I was an intern in a preschool once and hated it because it was way too unstructured. I like tutoring because I can work from an agenda. I can't spontaneously play with kids. I feel like I can be creative an am good at brainstorming and writing (sometimes), but not very good at imaginative play. I never really liked to play dress up and I don't like sci-fi, and especially not fantasy. I like things concrete and I don't handle last minute adjustments. I used to be a substitute teacher and cried almost every day because my anxiety was horrid. I need to know what is going on, I can't just improvise. I feel like I do understand idioms, but I'm definitely not witty and cannot come up with anything on the spot, like my husband and others. I often seem dull and slow and only think of witty things when I get lucky, usually at inappropriate times or after the fact. I feel like I am empathetic, but not very good at expressing it, and don't react the way others want me to react. I used to hide from my mom because my reaction to opening my Christmas gifts was unacceptable. I was also turned down as a student teacher in one woman's class because she said I looked miserable and that's not what she wanted. But I was just very serious and quiet, and I'm not good at spontaneous stuff.
I'm told I need to laugh more. I rarely do laugh, and when I do it's usually not when others are laughing. I think I do get most jokes, but can't remember them, retell them, or make up any. I just don't think most jokes are very funny. They just seem kind of pointless. I do like word play, though. I tend to want to be efficient, but can rant a lot when it comes to talking. I either say too much or not enough. I get anxious when someone uses too many dishes while cooking or too many tables at a social gathering because I feel like they are being "wasted." I try to use as few things as possible and find bargains when I shop. When people use an un-open tube of toothpaste even though one is already open, I get upset. I'm not sure if that means much, but I don't feel like things are right with me.
30 Sep 2013, 10:09 pm
welcome to the club 
