Wanting to commit suicide for almost 4 years now

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I've been diagnosed with aspergers at 14 at 8th grade. I hated it from the moment. I'm 16 and i'm a male to female transgender. i knew i was transgender since age 5. i just hate my life its a struggle every day at school people don't know what gender i am. i'm trying to be seen as a guy untill i get out of high school. Less problems people know about the better. I've been on involuntary psychiatric hold because i about to kill myself. I can't stand living i hate everything about my autism. I don't see why i should have to live anymore. Im never going to be happy with myself. I cannot take this useless life i'm cursed with. Why the f**k did my parents have to have me? What f*****g point do i have in this world. My grades are complete s**t. i'm failing like 2 classes and the rest are c's and d's i'm never in school i miss like 3 days a week or more. im probably going to commit suicide in the future. I was anti depressants for like 2 months and they didnt do jack s**t for my mood. I f*****g hate my life the only thing that helps is when i cut myself, smoke weed, or drink alcohol

16 is a tough age. It is notoriously a tough age for people who don't even possess the challenges you do with an ASD.

But it does get better. And it may take a bit longer for you than others, or maybe not, but it does get better. The world is a much bigger place than the confines of your home and school, which is hard to realize now while that is your entire universe. There are nicer people out there, and there are more options for you when you can figure out ways to determine your own happiness by having more choices over the people you determine to bring into your life.

There are many medications to try, and I'm pretty certain you have probably not exhausted all possibilities yet. And more medications are being researched right now. Hang in there, things do settle down after the hormones and adjustments stabilize, and you are also then able to freely live as the person you want to be. You are living like a trapped and caged animal right now, and that would drive anyone mad. Realize that freedom will come to you and when it does, you will be all the happier for it.

One day you will move to a city where you will be more accepted and have friends who are as interesting and colorful as you. Until then, it is a frustrating waiting game. But with all good things, the rewards are worth the struggle. Don't give up before you have a chance to realize your full potential! There is so much wonder waiting for you to be had!

Hi bluemoodgirl, I want you here alive just as a human being and also as a person on the Spectrum.

We may not be able to promise friendship. Sometimes that magic dances and sometimes it doesn't. But we can endeavor to be good and honorable colleagues.

I wish to guardedly agree with something mikassyna said. Yes, one day, for maybe college or a job, you may move to a city. And it just takes a while to meet people, or it's easy when it works but it just takes a certain kind of patience because the opportunities tend to be a little few and far between.

For example, when I attended and participated with the Green Party. A lot of people weren't there to meet people. I mean, it just wasn't on the forefront of their mind, any more than they might go to a movie to meet people. And some people were polite . . but meeting just once a month, hard to get any traction going.

And so, I think the approach is to light-touch a variety of groups, and that is a set of learnable skills.

Yes, as a fellow human being, I want you to stay alive. And I think we can learn things just sharing the things people want to share and feel okay about sharing.

I don't want you to do anything. Hello, and I hope you feel some kind of happiness no matter what you do.

I had a s**t time as a young person and it seems you're having one, too. I'm sorry that life is so s**t and I feel for you. Hang in there and you will get the chance to make the world slightly more awesome when you are older.

Yeah, you're right, that was probably too much reality.

Edited to remove a couple hours of writing that was probably too easily misunderstood.

I thought this was the haven.

/\ I wasn't having a go at you, bud. Like me, you want to help.

Okay, listen up, bluemoodgirl... you don't really want to commit suicide, and you and I both know it!

I'm not going to promise you that everything will get better one day... it won't. You have been given two strikes against you right from the start.

First, you are on the spectrum (autism), and that's going to be a struggle for the rest of your life. There's nothing you can do about this fact.

Second, you were given the wrong body when you were conceived, but the good news here is that you will eventually settle in to whatever gender you decide, and, whatever you decide... you have the ability to find and connect with others just like yourself so that you can find encouragement and acceptance among peers. You probably just haven't yet found and begun networking with such other individuals like yourself. This you need to do. You will find strength in the sympathy and understanding they provide... and they will! They will not be able to make your angst go away and they won't be able to make anybody else accept you, but they will be able to relate to who you are and where you're coming from. That's powerful stuff! Stop wondering and reach out now... finish reading this post and log-off and initiate a search... no excuses, just do it! (If you don't, I'll reach through this computer screen, grab you by the ear and MAKE you do it!)

Now, as to the fact that you are one of us. Get used to it. Some of us already have accepted what we are and are dealing with it as best we can, but it's never easy. All of us Aspies, regardless of age or circumstance, are still trying to find our way... that's just life. The world is cruel to all of us on the spectrum, and it's certainly not going to tread any lighter on you.

HOWEVER, by now, you know perfectly well that you possess special powers that the rest of the "normal" world are just too stupid to 'get'. Even if they did 'get it', they wouldn't know what to do with it! They will always try and cram you into a box that they've designed and built... and that box is just too damned small to accommodate what we have to offer. What's most insulting and hardest for us Aspies to comprehend is WHY they can't see what benefits we offer and how much better the whole world be if they would only open their eyes. Want proof? Check out the long list of incredibly gifted people throughout history who are known to be, or are presumed to have been, Aspies! You'll see you are in some pretty heady company... some of the most farsighted, intelligent, ingenious, insightful, and profoundly influential people humanity has ever known! We are peacocks among chickens! You, my dear, are fortunate enough to be one of us!

It's all a matter of how you look at things! You can say, "Oh fukc, I'm just going to kill myself 'cuz my life sucks shlt", or, you could use your natural abilities of "thinking-outside-the-box" to realize you are worth more than you give yourself credit for. Hell, we Aspies LIVE outside the box!!

Your quest will be to wait patiently, enduring all kinds of seemingly unbearable feelings, until your reason for being here in the first place is revealed to you. It WILL happen... and this I CAN promise you!

Bluemoodgirl, if you doubt I know what I'm talking about, PM me. I'll be happy tell you about what I've endured and what a REAL suicide attempt feels like (Yes, I did! And you don't want to go there, trust me!).

Peace!

Hi, bluemoodgirl.

I just wanted to add that there are quite a few transgender and transsexual Aspies here on the forum. There's also an LGBT forum here, if you wanted to read about the experiences of people who have lived with some of the difficulties you have faced in life. Hopefully you can find people that you can closely relate to, and perhaps talk with, either there or anywhere else on this site.

Best of luck, and feel free to keep talking with us.

I have struggled with depression and thoughts of suicide myself. I have not yet tried antidepressants but they are kind of my ace in the hole.

What I have read is that antidepressants are trial and error in a respectful sense, everyone's biochem is a little different, and the first one may not be the one which helps a particular person.

I've also read that it's sometimes important to phase down in steps, even if the medication doesn't seem to be working. That your body has gotten used to it, analogy of bottom of bucket dropping out if it's stopped too abruptly, etc.
http://articles.latimes.com/2009/aug/03 ... ing-drugs3

Chance of getting better. Since I don't know you I can't guess but less assume it's pretty low.

Chance of getting better if you commit suicide 00000.00000

low>00000.00000