Parenting

Post Reply New Topic

Does anyone else have problems with this? Specifically, wanting to do the right thing for your kid(s) and not having support from "normal" people - including your spouse - who think you're too strict, exaggerated or overwhelming?

Yes. But I think this is a common gripe in NT couples/families too.

Anyway, it's pretty rough to feel like everyone else is against you...
I recognize that parenting is my new obsession (but it is a very interesting subject!); but I really think what I do is - or should be - basic stuff: regular eating and sleeping times, healthy food (at least as a rule), restricted tv time, things like those. Does it really have to be so hard to get people to comply with - or, at least, to respect - that?

I'm in the same boat as you. My husband and I do not agree on this. He is way more flexible on these matters than I am. Although I married him because I realize that if he were too uncompromising we would fight all the time, we are fighting anyway because we both believe we are right. I don't know the answer to the problem, but I certainly understand your frustration.

I call him wishy-washy. He calls me rigid and uptight.

The irony in my case is that last weekend my wife suggested that I should create a blog to give people advice about parenting - which makes me think she finds me good at it and that I'm doing things right -, but even herself simply doesn't listen to me!
This morning, for instance, I found her bribing our 2yo kid - with sweeties - in order to get him dressed for school! Come on!

LOL Yes, people often don't make sense. Even my husband accuses me of not making sense sometimes, but to myself I think I always make perfect sense!

I think it is natural not to listen to your spouse. I love my spouse but I cannot listen to his advice especially when it comes to our hobbies/activities. We started to skydive together. He would obsessively study, study, study. He really loved it and wanted to always show me the right way of doing things. I would only listen to the instructor because my husband wasn't much more of an expert than I was, he just had more passion for that sport. I was not his student, I was his wife. I honestly couldn't care less about the sport, I just went along with it to enjoy doing something with him. He is better at taking advice than I am. He wouldn't mind taking advice from me. But then again, I know more about the things I know, like music or art or poetry, of which he hardly knows anything. Some of those things that have taken me over 30 years of learning and doing. Last year I started clay shooting. Then he as Mr. Macho wanted to tote a gun too, and has gotten carried away with it, now making his own ammunition. So, I am back to music playing. It is nice and solitary and he doesn't get involved except to come to my performances, which is the way I like it. The way we are, our dynamic has become: If he rides the train, he then tries to conduct the train, so I won't get on the train. I need my own separate train LOL

Unfortunately, with parenting it is not so easy to do that.

Well, thanks. Really. I needed someone to "listen".

Don't mean to sidetrack the topic, but that was pretty classic on how couples evolve together but re-establish seperate niches at the same time.

Duplicate post

Last edited by Toy_Soldier on 23 Oct 2013, 11:36 am, edited 1 time in total.

Not sure but it may be similiar in some ways to my experience. In our case we were aligned pretty close on strictness, but I had a way of being to intense in the correction phase and displaying anger in tone of voice and expression. My wife thought that was overdoing it and actually damaging to the process. She taught me correction should be done calmly and simply as the consequence of a bad behavior, and not involve negative emotional aspects. I agreed with her and did make the changes. She has gone on to be an outstanding special ed teacher working with the worst cases.

Wow, I will say that I get this. Totally. Just the other day I had realized that is what I was doing too, and causing my son to react so negatively and oppositionally to me. I did manage to use a calmer, less reactive tone and he has been much more receptive. However, that is also reflective of his recent developmental strides. I do not think that a year ago he would have been able to be respond so well, as he was not developmentally there yet. It is a very complicated dance!

My husband has accused me of doing abuse or being mean but my mom says I am right on track and he is full of it. My husband has thought I treated our son like he is autistic because I was doing what my parents did to me. He has also thought I am too rough or too tough and I think my mom set him straight because he hasn't accused me of anything else. We both have our own view on how a kid should be raised. I suspect he grew up in a different environment and was raised different than I was just by how he views parenting. I also am stuck raising my kid most of the time and my husband stays in the basement playing his game. I often feel like a single parent.

My NT husband and I have a few differences of opinion about my aspie so, but as I am an aspie and have the "inside track" as he puts it, he will usually defer to me on what is best and support me in my decisions. The rest of my family, not so much. Still not speaking to half of them over me deciding to homeschool my son.

I dare to say my case is worse: sometimes I wish I were a single parent! I would have to do everything myself, without help - but not being on the way sometimes is help enough...
Just to make clear, I love my wife, don't intend to divorce her nor want her to die.

Yes, it really can be. Especially when dealing with children or people with disorders and/or having one yourself. Its so easy to skim the surface and just respond rather then take the time to try and sort it out. And the standard methods often don't work.

For me, the usual pattern was that something repetitively annoying would be going on, while I was distracted by something else. Either thru distraction, or just laziness I wouldn't stop to deal with it at an early stage, calmly. An example would be when your child is pulling at you trying to get your attention, or wanting something, and I am trying to talk to someone else. I might distractedly say, 'No, not now.' and then try and ignor it. But the repetitive irritations if they went on long enough would cause something to build up inside at at some point I suddenly would errupt and respond angrily and loud, all out of proportion to the actual offense. It is confusing to the child, as the actual lesson is lost under the more basic emotional response which could be something like 'Why is Dad so angry at me?' It can even be frightening and put a dent in their feeling secure. It also doesn't make sense to them with the usual way I am which is balanced even with serious offences.

But the problem was mine. I am not sure if it is Aspie related. It might be as sudden outbursts are a common symtom. And as Aspies we tend to prefer focus and can react negatively to interruption. It can take a while to train yourself to first, recognize it is happening and then being able to stop your instinctive flow and do a little self-intervention. I do know those around you will trully appreciate it.

My son is a great imitator. He can exaggerate things a bit, but watching him shows me exactly what he thinks that I do to him, and it can be pretty startling. I am certainly not abusive, but the mirror into my own behavior gives me great pause.