Circling the drain again

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Recently I've became more depressed again. I went through a severe period of depression all throughout my teens, which I coped with using self harm. I started university again, this time in a course I love. I was abused as a kid by my father and stepfather (although not sexually, to the best of my knowledge). I didn't get counseling until I was 17, which helped me sort out a lot of my issues. I witnessed horrific scenes of domestic abuse and was myself emotionally and physically abused. I'm not looking for sympathy as I've used these experiences for several positive experiences (a lot of campaigning and I'm now studying to be a political researcher to help shape public policy on this). I only tell you this as it's integral to my current problem. My self esteem can bob depending on my mood, but recently I've started feeling better about myself as I've lost a lot of weight.

I've met the most attractive man I have ever laid eyes on. Everything about him calls to me. He is an international student here for a year, who is also my room mate. He is intelligent, articulate, has similar values and beliefs and is ridiculously sexy. These feelings for this man are driving me insane, and I know that I shouldn't act on them as if it ended badly it could cause a shedload of problems. What is making it worse is I know logically what I should do, but my hormones are going into pure overdrive. I recently had an epiphany that I may have some issues related to my sexuality. I've always had an incredibly active sex drive, but have never acted on it. I push away advances by most men without even a consideration. My family constantly piles pressure on me to find a proper boyfriend, as I've never had one, but something stops me every time. No one has ever asked me out on a date, they've ony wanted casual sex (the very idea of which repulses me). This man has broken through all my barriers and I can't do anything about it! I've debated the idea of possibly getting more counseling, as I have a firm belief that something about my past is stopping me from being able to open up and explore my sexuality. I wouldn't have the first clue where to start looking, and all the research I've done focuses on survivors of sexual abuse and their sexuality problems.

Any advice would be appreciated, even if it's something I don't want to hear. I feel so alone and so badly want to start cutting again, but I daren't. I don't know how long I can last until I eventually give in. I feel so alone here, in a new city with no close friends, and I've become a bit of a social recluse because of this. Deadlines are piling up and my procrastination is getting out of hand.

get drunk and have sex with him. That way you can blame it all on the alcohol and deal with it then..

I'm not being facetious...you are desperate to tap this, so do it. Hugs


..

OK just so it doesn't seem like I am trivialising your past experiences - of course things could get messy - that risk always exist in any relationship. It probably Will get messy..at some point. That's just how it is. Don't add to the messiness by creating problems where they don't exist, is all I am suggesting.

Trust your instincts. If you want to have sex with this guy - do. If you want to have a relationship with this guy - bring it up - either before or after sex, whichever seems more comfortable to you.

Don't let your past dictate your present or your future - just inform it.

Thank you leafplant, I do appreciate your advice. Obviously I'm not very sexually experienced though, and wouldn't have a clue how to seduce him. Any pointers?

Try researching emotional abuse, starting with Beverley Engel. When I was reading about sexual abuse I became convinced that I'd been abused - I fit the diagnostic patterns perfectly. So I spent a long time looking for memory gaps. Didn't find any.

I think it is Engel who says that emotional abuse can be as powerful as sexual abuse, leading to similar - or worse - outcomes in respect of blurring of sexual/emotional boundaries and trust issues.

At the moment you are fighting your feelings, your hormones, and this is leading to intense distress which you are thinking of relieving by cutting.

But.
If you run with your feelings, your hormones, what's the worst that could happen? Rejection?
You might get a glorious "fling" out of it that leaves you battered and bruised, but is that any worse than the place you are in now?

Which is a long winded way of agreeing with leafplant, 'cept I'd avoid the alcohol. You're self aware - run with your instincts with your eyes open and save clearing up the mess until the mess appears.

My first thought is you approach him and say something along the lines of: "I fancy you something rotten"

It sounds like you are risking flunking your courses.

In exchange for what exactly?

People come and go, but you get only one shot at your life and goals.

Someone worth being with will understand and value you for that.

Also, usually the guy will make his interest quite obvious. If it isn't, its probably not there and can end with a rejection or they will do it for the heck of it. Doesn't sound so great either way. Wait for someone who shows genuine interest and not just for sex.

Stop the drain and kill the vortex.

sorry - I missed the bit about the lack of sexual experience. oops! I think you should talk to someone about this, because bottling it up makes it get heavier. Counseling again maybe?

I mean you are feeling attraction to someone and I think that's a good thing and I also think that if you could achieve healthy intimacy with another person that it would be beneficial for you but you know your own state of mind and whether you are ready for it right now. Also you have said about being worried about fallout and sure these things happen all the time but if you think your mental and emotional state is such that you wouldn't be able to cope with it then that's fair enough. If you decide not to get involved, then maybe discreetly avoiding this guy may be a better option.

..am a bit worried about you now actually and hope all is going well. Um.