Please read as need support desperately

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Very long post this one but you need to read all of it and please, give advice as I am struggling to cope with pretty much everything this holiday. I'll make it easier to read by doing a bullet point list.

1. KAF. How do people get over not only failing at trying to start a relationship, but with the decline in the friendship and eventual ending of the friendship as you have stressed them out too much for it to continue! How does anyone cope with the guilt of knowing that you caused the person you cared about to feel so stressed and struggling to cope themselves at home because of something as simple as liking them. I just can't see how. I keep getting flashbacks everyday to events that I don't want to remember causing me to feel even more guilty and then just to top it off, because of my rare empathic nature in major contrast to my aspieness, I still care about KAF. Not in the same way as before I asked her out but in a way as a mother would care for her child or as close friends (even though the friendship isn't there). And because of this it just drives my guilt in even further and makes me think that what ever I do, I will always muck up, hurt people and end up back in this state because I care too much about them and what I have done. And I am worried that when we return back after the holidays I will just continually do the same and mess up socially and then, because of the empathy thing, mess up my A levels because of it. And that will cause me to have to retake the year and be embarrassed because of it which will cause me to get annoyed and agitated and make me not very pleasant company for any of my other friends. What probably doesn't help is that when we go back I will be seeing her everyday as we have mutual friends and with a new maths teacher it could get even worse if we are both on the same table together as per a new seating plan. I scared that I will loose friends over this as! because my support is very limited as, while my diagnosis is official, I coped too well during primary and secondary school years and because of this people think that I don't need as much support.

2. Realising that this might be my Nan's last Christmas and new year. Earlier this year, about october time my nan was diagnosed with liver cancer and colon cancer. They decided on chemotherapy which I am fine with but now I have realised that no matter what they do, the chemo will only be to prolong life and not save it. My nan is strong but even so, a lot can change in a year and I don't want to watch her fade away. I am nowhere near as close to my other grandparents as I am with my nan and I don't know how I will cope once she is gone. Once again, the empathy thing comes into play here and it brings flashbacks of the brilliant days with my nan and, while they do somewhat relieve how I feel, it also makes me realise what I will loose when she is gone.

3. Stress due to the fact that I have started to develop feelings for another girl at college. This one is nowhere as near as prominent as the other two above but it is starting to creep in, mostly because I know that if the feelings develop far enough like they did with KAF I still could mess up and cause another thing like what happened in the first bullet point. What doesn't help at all is that they know each other and if the feelings develop enough, I ask her out and she says yes, that if KAF finds out it could open the entire can of worms that will cause it me to feel guilty about it all again and once again cause a massive problem that the college will struggle to sort out without bringing in outside support which cost money.

4. Annoyed at my mum as I have highlighted how I feel about these to her and she has seen the state that I get into because of it but acting upon it. I have mentioned Alexithymia and Depression to her on multiple occasions but she doesn't want to seem to take me through any diagnostics processes to find out. I would like to know myself as, while the alexithymia isn't too much of a concern, the depression is and if medication to stop me feeling all of the above is available then I might consider using it as it will allow me to enjoy life more and live it fully.

5. All of life's other problems it can throw at me but these I can deal with quite well apart from the above three.

If you have read all of this you deserve a medal and please, if you have any advice or support or motivational words, please reply with them.

SRT

Hello. Sorry to hear you are feeling so stressed. It's good to get it all out on paper though because it helps you organise your thoughts and understand how you feel.

Everyone has failed relationships as a teenager. This is the time of life where you are learning how to interact with other people in a different way to how you did as a child. It is normal to make mistakes. This is actually a good thing because the best way to improve is to make mistakes and learn from them.

I'm sorry about your Nan. I was very close to my Gran and she died when I was younger than you. It is difficult. Enjoy the time you have together now. As Dr Suess said: “Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.” Not everyone gets to enjoy such a rich relationship in their lives. You are fortunate and you will always have those good memories no matter what happens in life. Treasure them because they make you who you are.

About the depression. Maybe you should go and see your doctor and talk to them about how you are feeling. They will be able to suggest the best course of action whether it be anti-depressants or maybe some form of talking therapy.

Thanks hurtloam. I will talk to my mum about it again as, because of my age, she makes the medical decisions on my behalf. If she still doesn't respond to me pointing this out I will speak to my college SENCO and they can tell my mum that I should see someone about it.

I've actually been the recipient of the liking in a scenario somewhat like yours. But I can give you the nice news - sometimes the line "it's not you, it's me" really is true. In my case, it wasn't the guy's fault so much as the fact that I am by nature a really anxious person and that meant I was anxious about everything including relationships. It wasn't his fault, it was the fault of my anxiety. (I also got over it pretty quickly, so don't feel too bad...) That is a possibility in your scenario, too.


This is a fallacy, and it may help you to be aware of it. The anxious brain, which is sounds like yours is (don't worry, you're in good company, mine is too) likes to go through slippery slope scenarios. While they feel very legitimate, in reality they're generally unlikely to the point of uselessness. Logic doesn't always work on the anxious brain, but I figure it doesn't hurt to try, either. I'd suggest going through every step of the scenario you worked out above and figuring out what is legitimately the most likely. Pretend it's about another person in another school, if it makes you feel better.

For example, if I did this I'd say:
And because of this it just drives my guilt in even further and makes me think that what ever I do, I will always muck up, hurt people and end up back in this state because I care too much about them and what I have done.
If I care too much about people and what I've done --> I will feel really bad for a while, but it will go away eventually. (This might help if you think back to a memory from your distant past where you cared too much but you don't feel as bad about anymore.)

I am, in fact, rather stressed at the moment myself, so I don't think I could really give you the insightful reply that you deserve for the rest of your bullet points. But if I feel better later, I'll try. In the meanwhile, sending you hugs and support.

Thanks BigSister. With KAF being aspie too, it probably is along the lines of what you mentioned, a "it's not you, it's me". I will try what you suggested with going through all of the scenarios, starting with the ones that will come up quicker and see what happens.

SRT

Relationships are many things, but can be looked at as a skill, to practice and get better at. The worse thing one can do usually, is withdraw from trying. The thing to do is keep on trying. Here is a bit of truth. No matter how perfect you thought the one you lost was, there are many others that are even more perfect and will make the other one fade into dim memory.

Be firm with your Mom. Mental conditions are nothing to fool around with. Insist you get things checked out if you believe you have reasonable concerns.

Sorry to hear that you are losing your Nan,you are very fortunate to have had her in your life.There is no easy way to deal with loss,it hurts and will hurt for awhile.
It's not easy being a teenager,I don't think I would want to do it again.
I wish you the best,it is good to write about it and get it off your chest.I also constantly flash back and think of things I did that I really regret.I don't beat myself up as much,you will make mistakes,and you will learn from them.Take what you have learned and go on a positive direction,don't dwell on the past,it's over.No matter how much you dwell on it,you can't alter it.
You seem level headed and mature,I'm not sure what a college SENCO is,is that like a counselor?I think it would be a good ideal to talk it over with someone like that.

Thanks Toy_Soldier. I have been speaking too my mum about it a lot and she finally is starting too see something in what I am saying and hopefully she can sort out an appointment for me to speak to a psychologist about it. If not, the communication and autism team where I live can sort out in college sessions instead.

Just as a quick question, I am in the process of taking A levels and obviously, with the feelings developing for this other girl at college, should I think about working towards a relationship or not.

Thanks Misslizard.

A SENCO is a Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator and their job is to organise the services that can be provided to people who have a special educational need. In a way, it is the British version of a counsellor and while counsellor a do exist in the UK, a SENCO is designed to be actively and passively supporting students in school and college and doing what they can when they aren't in to help them still.

My personnel feeling about it is to never pass up an romantic interest. One never knows when the next will happen. That said, you still have to be pragmatic and keep priorities straight. You have to give your best effort in school to keep your life goals on course & who will be interested in a drop out, etc. Ultimately what will help relationships most is being successful at what you do. So I would try to persue the new romantic interest in a back-burner subdued way during an intense studies period... but not let it drop completely.