One valid reason to hate myself

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I have never really accomplished or earned anything in my life.

In fact, my life has been an endless series of events where exterior circumstance bail me out or protect me from the consequences of my irresponsible behavior.

If I were to try to make a success story out of my life on my own merits, I would be mercilessly slaughtered, and rightfully so.

I want to be no more. The world has no use for a pitiful excuse of a man like myself.

I doubt it. Your writing is perfect, which suggests intelligence.
You've probably accomplished things that "don't count" when you're in this mood.

Is your behavior truly irresponsible, or do you have an issue with executive function or something like that?

Don't measure your self worth based on your achievements. Some of the most amazing people I know haven't achieved much in their lives. I value them for what they are and not for what they did.


I agree. I wish I could write half as well as you.

I may write very well. But I cannot speak worth a damn.

My boss is currently very annoyed with me. It looks like I will not have my job for much longer. And if I lose the job, the only option left for me will be a leap off a bridge. A lifetime of irresponsibility will come to an end very soon. I am finding comfort in that thought.

Your writing and posts here on WP have helped me, and likely others. I might consider that an accomplishment.

If you have ever received a paycheck, then by definition you have earned something.

Reading back through some of your posts I get the impression that in your life you may have received some negative messages about yourself from family and others. I wonder if maybe some of your negative self-perceptions are a replaying of some of those messages. My experiences that such "old tapes" can highly influences my thoughts and feelings today, but that they can be greatly lessened with some persistent desire and effort.

I hope you are soon in a better place!

There's always a reason to keep living. These states of mind usually pass, and if you end it you won't be around to regret it. There must be something you enjoy doing, right? Something that is worth getting up for in the morning? If you can't think of anything now, in a few days you might.

We're lucky to be alive. Out of trillions upon trillions of cells competing for life, we were the ones that made it. We get to live in this universe and experience it. Life might throw a lot of s**t our way sometimes, but there's usually a way out. Suicide is never the answer.

you survived against odds. just surviving is an accomplishment in this hellworld.


success is deciding that you are well worth living for NO MATTER WHAT ELSE. I wish you would see that you are worth the decision to stick around and keep adding your unique colors to this color-deprived world. you have an irreplaceable spot in this world when you decide you do so. don't deprive the rest of us of you.

You haven't said what you've done that's so "irresponsible."
Irresponsible people don't seem to regret much.
If you've sincerely tried, failed, and care enough to regret the failure, there's probably some reason.
Some limitation or road block that makes the expectation unreasonable.

Well, things did officially go from bad to much worse.

I went to my psychiatric RN practitioner today. Y'know, the only woman in my county who takes Medicare for this kind of work.

I explained to her that the medications she had prescribed to me were having nasty side effects. Such as excessive weight gain. Such as high spikes in blood pressure. Such as nasty skin rashes and swelling in my lymph nodes. I had left polite messages regarding this over the last couple of months, all of which she had ignored. Now I am in her office, politely and calmly explaining this to her. She raises her voice and accuses me of lying to her, because she believes that such things cannot happen with the medication she provided me. I have notes that went along with the prescription bottles that state otherwise, but enough about that.

The appointment basically went down like this. She told me that either I was going to agree that she was right and that I was a liar, or she was going to write me a prescription for high doses of Lithium. I went with the first option. Then she said she was writing me a prescription for a three month supply, and that would give me enough time to find another provider. She said that my dishonesty stressed her out, and that she did not have time to deal with clients like myself.

Thanks a lot to that woman, I must say. She knows very well that she is the only person in my county who takes my insurance for psychiatric medication management.

So, in three months, I will be unmedicated and not worth a damn to anybody under any circumstances. I have three months to get my life affairs in order.

Heh.

^^^
that practitioner sounds sadistic to me.

I don't see you doing anything irresponsible in that story. The shrink was the one at fault there.

You might write yourself a memo about that meeting, while it's still fresh. I don't know how much information the old shrink will pass on to a new one. It might be useful to have that information ready if ever someone tries to use it against you. And then put it away in a safe place, forget it and move on.

Anyway, you have three months to read up on natural or alternative treatments, which could end up being better than the crap she was giving you anyway. There's a lot of knowledgeable people at WrongPlanet. I bet the right answer is here somewhere.

What have you been diagnosed with, what meds have you used, for what symptoms, how did they go...? I don't know what to ask and wouldn't know what to do with the answers, but I'm sure someone around here will.