Suicidal and embarrassed

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I'm sorry to post again. I'm not sure what to do.

It's been about three weeks since I first started reading about Asperger's. I've flaked out of work in despair two days in the past two weeks, and I've taken the rest of this week off sick. Everything I read matches me, except that I'm able to read emotional states fairly well (I think)--facial expressions and tone of voice. Throughout my life, I've felt like I don't have 'real' emotions, like I'm only capable of doing things to get results from people (i.e., I'm proud if I do something people interpret as 'nice' or 'normal'). I react with satisfaction to making people unhappy, too, because it means I have control.

I want emotions. Normal emotions. I've watched my NT mother the past few weeks, and she has a very naturally expressive voice and face. When I'm in despair around her, she reacts to me in a way that makes me feel like she genuinely cares for me. When I'm in despair around my father, who I think has AS, he hugs me and pats me awkwardly and tells me lots of facts from medical studies on brain regeneration he's read. I appreciate that he's trying, but it feels isolating, passive, and artificial. And I know I act more like my father than my mother. The thought that I will never have that natural care and response, that all I have is manipulation and attempts to control, me-me-me thoughts, and a brain that's happy when I'm failing or inflicting pain on others makes me want to stop.

I know I've posted several times recently. I keep getting worse. I'm doing the planning to get a rope and hang myself.

Is there any hope? Is there any way to develop empathy and genuine care and fellow feeling? I would pay any amount of money to stop feeling like a passive psycho/sociopath.

I'm sorry for posting again. I know you can't say anything much! I'm just so disappointed with what I'm made of, and I don't see any hope for change. I would check myself into an institution, but I don't know where and I don't think I could pay for it or that it would help.

I'm thinking about using a zip tie. I'm scared, but I shouldn't be scared. If my emotions are this flat affect, I shouldn't be alive, anyway. And they always have been. I've never shown anyone genuine care or empathy. All I do is collapse on people and ask them to support me.

I want to be real and I'm not. If 30 years hasn't made me real, I'm not getting there.

Have you seen someone like a psychologist so you can work through some of your issues? I deal with a lot of different people with various psychological difficulties and from my experience can tell you the fact that you are concerned about these feeling may well mean you have normal empathetic reactions, you might just need some help working out how to process them. Please seek some professional help

I don't know where to go. I've been seeing psychiatrists and therapists my entire life, although probably not as intensively as I should have. I hate the back of my mind that always feels calculating whenever I cry or break down. I want to feel things without analyzing them and judging their affects at the same time. I mean, I'm even doing it right now, posting here! Being dramatic! Trying for who knows what. Someone to tell me I'm a better person than I know I am and that there's hope. There's not. Because I'm here posting this! If I were a good person, I would be at work and thinking about how much my family would be hurt by this; I would have friends and not hurt people, including myself.

Suicide is never the answer. I had suicidal thoughts myself around 6 years ago and felt really close to doing something. A few days later i felt much better, and i learned that you just can't think like that and it's always worth getting up in the morning. You have to find something you enjoy doing even with the limitations you have. If you read my thread here in this same category (My nerves are shot) i talk about these things.

I am quite happy now, even though i basically have nothing in a social sense. Just being around is worth it, and you never know when things can get better. If you end it now, you won't be around to regret it, and you surely will.

Please get some help.

I don't want to live. I feel fake. Everything I do feels like an act. I'm in despair and part of my mind is still fine, still completely faking it, still acting it out, like this is all a scene. I feel like I'm playing people; there's no me, nothing solid. I want to feel something real.

I feel like I do things so I *look* like I'm trying, so everyone can think, wow, look how hard she is/was trying, instead of actually genuinely trying. Like I'm just a facade, a self-protection.

there are other characteristics besides empathy that make people worthwhile - integrity, fairness, intelligence, etc. you're being way too hard on yourself. sociopaths are substance abusers who usually have had run ins with the law and have tortured animals as children. doesn't sound like you.

It sounds like you only recently found out about being on the spectrum, so allow yourself time to process it. It is a big discovery and can be a very emotional period. Not the time to be making any big decisions.

I'm still alive. I'm at my parents. I can't tell them how embarrassed and sad I am. I did just find out I'm probably on the spectrum. I don't even have an official diagnosis. Maybe I'm just being obsessive.

I don't know how to get over this. How do I get over this while keeping a job and being fine? I hate the fact I keep wanting to collapse. I want everyone to leave me along; I want someone to take care of me. And at the same time I hate that and I want to be strong and adult for them.

Everything is so dark. I look at how I talk to others, and I realize how much of it is script. I've only learned recently to ask questions back to keep a conversation going. Instead of feeling genuinely interested in the person, I'm just proud I got the questions right and was able to imitate a real conversation. My emotions are shallow and weak.

I want to really honest-to-God want friends and to want to support people and not just feel that what I do is 'right' or 'not right.' I want free of all the rules in my head about how I'm supposed to behave and to just intuit how I'm supposed to behave.

I have never felt this bad or hopeless.

It has always felt like there's a wall in my head between feeling and acting like a 'real person,' like other people. I thought it was a wall that chemicals and exercise and getting my life together could get over. Now I know I have to play a normal person for the rest of my life, to reassure those I love, even though it hurts me.

I don't know what to do I didn't even feel anything real when I put a belt around my neck and pulled until my legs lost feeling last night. I feel like I'm a person when other people are around, just minimally, because I have to be to reassure them, but on my own, I'm nothing.

I don't know what to do.

I don't even know why I'm posting. It's something in my brain that keeps me from feeling. No one can fix it. There's nothing *to* do, other than keep going and being unreal and parasitizing off of others pretending to be able to help them when I can barely keep myself together. I hate that. I hate secretly wanting them to see my pain, to smear it in their faces. It wouldn't make a difference! They can't help. Letting them see how much I hurt wouldn't make me feel other emotions, other than that nasty satisfaction that I've gotten a reaction from someone. I can't imagine doing that. I did it to my ex. What would I do if I did it to my poor mother? Killing myself would do that to her! I can't kill myself. But I can't live like this, like a fake hollow thing. What do I do?

You obviously care very much about your parents. You're worried how your actions might affect them, which wouldn't be the case if you couldn't feel real emotions and empathy. Sociopaths and narcissists genuinely don't care about others, whereas people on the autism spectrum merely have trouble reading and expressing emotions. Everyone has antisocial impulses, aspies and NTs alike. But as long as you're considerate of other people's feelings, I don't think you have to worry about a lack of emotional depth. We people on the autism spectrum can easily get obsessed with such an idea and worry for no good reason, which might be what you're doing to yourself at the moment.

PS: You're lucky to have two parents who both love you and both express their love in their own unique ways. Your father just can't show it in the way that your mother does. Mine didn't love me at all as far as I can tell, nor was he particularly kind and loving to my mother, and he is as neurotypical as they come.

Again, I think you should try another medication, immediately. Clearly the one you're on is not working, and it might even be exacerbating things.