I tried to leave again last night

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I feel as though the only way that I can establish any control over or ownership of myself is to kill myself. It would be closer to murder than suicide. I am trapped in a remotely controlled body. I would be killing a node of a network, not myself.

There are high quantities of lithium and fluoxetine in the hospital water. I've been avoiding it for that reason. Last night, I locked myself in the bathroom and drank about twenty glasses of it in the hope of inducing serotonin syndrome. I was tying a pair of tights around the clothes horse to ligate my neck just to make sure when the nurses set off the alarms. They came running with the reverse key for the bathroom and opened the door. They seemed very afraid that I'd had that much of the water. When they helped me up, I downed more of the medicated water. They physically stopped me. When I was returned to my bed, I could have swore I felt a spot of the SSRI overdose shakes coming on. I stayed up almost all night, but nothing happened. I am now awake and alive and very disgruntled.

You are an emotional being or you wouldn't 'feel' this way!
...





It's hard to be alone and isolated, that's the Aspergers curse.


Everyone here feels, and has felt, helpless, hopeless and worthless,
but, that's why we all here,
because, we All CARE!

We've all gone through this, or are going to go through this.

Hitting rock bottom isn't an excuse to end yourself,
it's when you have to ask for a hand up,
a friend to lean on
a Wrong Planet to post your woes on.

Welcome
friend

You would be killing a node of the network that is necessary for yourself to live, therefore you'd be killing yourself too. No matter how dissociated you become, underneath it all you're still very much a whole.

The hospital is into control and 'authority.' But it's still unlikely they put something into the water.

There really is something called I think water intoxication where a person drinks too much plain water. It dilutes your body's electrolytes too much. It can be serious and in really bad cases, I think fatal. Please go more middle of the road if you can.

And please stay with us, both on WP, and more importantly, as a person alive on this planet.

Just a thought....but perhaps the reason you are still in the hospital has something to do with the fact you're still trying to harm/kill yourself. They do let people leave once they aren't a danger to their self or others at least in the U.S, is that where you are? or some other country. So i don't know perhaps suicide isn't the 'only' way out.

Anyways sorry you're feeling so bad.

I hope you feel better soon.

Serotonin syndrome can be a lot scarier than it might be dangerous - I've been through it a couple times myself, I didn't feel any different or less alive afterwards, just terrified. Your ability to separate from your discomfort it a greater asset than I think you've chanced to discover.

Anyone with A.S. is tougher than they think, you aren't the only one who might need this quality sometime.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

...why are there high quantities of fluoxetine and lithium in the hospital water

OK, why would the hospital put that in their water, considering that they can't regulate how much a person gets of it and some are already on SSRI's? That's what's going on and why they are keeping you there, because you truly believe things like drugged water. I'm not saying that to put you down, I'm saying that hoping that it makes a light come on in your head so you go "Oh, well that's true so yeah." Logic is your friend. If something isn't logical, from any point of view, then it's not true probably. Please, talk to them about the beliefs about the drugged water. It's not true, it can't be true, they would not only lose their licenses, they would go to prison for that. Work on those beliefs, get better, then get actually discharged.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

I have since rationalized that there is no medication in the water. They medicate us so heavily conventionally that it would be a waste of time for them to impregnate the water. I am still reflexively afraid of it, though.

Shallow as this may seem, as I have no understanding of what you're going through, I hope you feel better (more serotonin ) and discover more to life, to see something worth living for.