Life is unbearable

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My dad has recently died.I feel really horrible and don't know what to do.I can't trust anyone,especially when I'm down as people can kick you when you're down.I met a man recently who said he would help me through the grief but now he has started ignoring me,with no explanation.He is quite a bit older than me,but usually I find it's men my own age who treat me like s**t and always have done.They ignore me in public.It's like they don't want to be seen talking to me.Even if I'm good with them and I thought we got on well.They will just ignore me and turn against me.It's confusing and depressing.I'm trying to stop my suffering but can't.Does anyone have any advice about stopping this torture that I'm going through?

I wish there was a one-size-fits-all Survivors Guide to Coping With Bereavement, but there isn't. Sorry for your loss.

Losing one's parents is unavoidable and completely natural, this logic was of course wasted on me when I was gripped by the worst of my own bereavement reaction. I was traumatised by my Dad's death and surrounding circumstances, so I sincerely hope you find the strength to deal with this. You have to.

Do you have any remaining family you can speak to about this? I was lucky to have Aunts and siblings at my time of crisis, but I never really could speak to them in depth about Dad - the deceased was after all dear to these people too.

If the unpleasantness of your bereavement reaction has persisted or persists for more than a couple of weeks, please consider speaking to a doctor about this. If you're already having problems eating and sleeping I urge you to make an appointment ASAP. If, like me, you can't handle doctors in this state, ask a family member to accompany you and / or take a letter to your doctor with you that outlines how you are thinking and feeling, and how your life and behaviour have been affected. I have issues communicating my emotions, my doctor would have dismissed me if I hadn't presented him with a written cry for help.

Speaking to a counsellor / therapist might be very helpful, I thought it was. Don't expect your doctor to magically help you, but they can refer you to relevant services. Prescription anti-depressants might also help. There's absolutely no shame in feeling bad or needing help to get you through this, what you're going through is a perfectly normal life experience.

Please do look after yourself. Diet, sleep, exercise. All very important, especially now.

My condolences on the loss of your father. I concur with Pobbles that if you get along with other family members that it might be a good idea to spend some extra time with them, in a medium way, still giving them space as needed.

Okay, about your recent relationship, people here are sometimes good at giving advice and information which can put the odds more in your favor, perhaps not so much if the other person is consciously lying, I hope that's not the situation, but more so if they don't know what they want or are racing too far ahead.

After my grandfather on my mother's side died, I think my mother did struggle with some depression. A general practitioner doctor told her that depression can start off situational and become biochem. I've also struggled with depression, and for me, that kind of had the ring of truth.

Thank you Pobbles for your reply and sorry for your loss.I wish there was a way to blank out the grief but there isn't.I try to numb it.I do puzzles and today I walked for miles counting the steps trying to numb my mind.I count a lot of things every day,like the number of jobs I do etc.I think it's a way of coping with anxiety.My appetite isn't good at the moment as I feel sick and my stomach churns with nerves,especially when I wake up and realise I'm still alive and have to get through another day.I feel bitter towards the man that let me down as well.Why say he would help me then ignore me completely.My loneliness is unbearable at times but I find nobody can cure it as I can't trust anyone.I try to be independent but it was nice on the date I went on with this man.He contacted me for a while after and the date went well then nothing.It could be because I postponed the second date as I was depressed.He should have understood.Also,thank you Aardvarkgoodswimmer.Just seen your post.

Eat little and often if you're struggling with appetite, it's important you keep your energy levels up. It really is amazing how dealing with this kind of stress can drain you, leaving you feeling exhausted and more prone to stress.

Don't worry to much about this man's apparent lack of interest, it could be for a number of reasons, though it's a shame he hasn't been there for you a bit more. I don't know the guy, but the fact that he (sounds like he is) avoiding you right now doesn't reflect admirably on his character. Men in general (NT men, never mind ASD men!) aren't the most sympathetic of creatures at the best of times. If you're anything like I was, you might perhaps be a little too vulnerable to be going out dating right now... or you may find it a welcome distraction... I don't know, I don't know you.

Don't give up on people because of this, and try and remember to be kind to yourself.

Disclaimer: I have Asperger's, and I suck at relationships and emotional issues. I'm perhaps not the best person in the world to be giving advice.

I agree Pobbles,I don't think I am strong enough for dating.It's hard being outcast though.Sometimes I'm given false hope that I could be accepted,like someone being interested in employing me,then it doesn't come to anything.The false hope is horrible.Why are horrible people accepted but I'm not just because of my mental health.It doesn't matter how helpful or how much I try,I'm not accepted because of that.
I've walked at least 10,000 steps today and counted them in my head rather than using one of those step counter devices.I just wanted to numb my mind.I've just woke up now after having nightmares.I thought I would post on here as I feel so isolated.

Our situations might not be too dissimilar, I too am faced with the combined task of

a) finding work
b) finding a partner, and
c) making myself feel better

All sounds really simple, but that's a lot to have on one's proverbial plate when you're depressed!
I have decided to eliminate b) from my list of things to give a s**t about, as I've spent the last 6 years in miserable relationships.

Work is an issue, because, like you, mental health issues have become barriers to employment. I never used to have problems with interviews, but then I never gave "erm.... ummm... illness" as an answer to basic interview questions like:

What exactly have you been doing with your time?

If this sounds anything like your situation you might benefit from volunteering somewhere. It gets you out, dealing with people, and should eventually reward you with a nice written professional or character reference. I'm currently in between volunteering positions, that is, the last one depressed the crap out of me so I quit and am still looking for another one.
I won't let one crap voluntary position deter me from finding another one.

Don't give up, I hope you feel better soon.

I hope things get better for you as well ,Pobbles.What I do with my time is look after animals.I've done voluntary work before,which I quite liked.I will try to think what I can do.What worries me though is the rejection.What if I can't even give my work away.I do work at the moment but they don't pay.They take ages to pay out(I do online surveys).I do loads of these.
I spend lots of time doing crosswords as well.I find lots to do with my day.The judgement I get for being unemployed is difficult.I can't tell people why I'm unemployed because sometimes people are hostile towards the mentally ill.I just say I do internet research now,which is true.I don't go into detail about it with them if I can help it.They probably wouldn't approve of my not getting paid,even though I'm contributing to the world.They must use these survey responses for something.Sometimes disabled people can't contribute and they shouldn't be punished for this.I think people who are harsh towards ill or disabled people shouldn't be helped if their lives go wrong.
What voluntary work did you do?

I was a receptionist for a social enterprise, a place that offered various counselling and therapies. We were introduced when I was referred to this place by my doctor for anger management.

Aside from answering phones etc, I quickly became the IT support guy and was handed their awful website to sort out.

Anyway... the place was run by a dysfunctional gay couple, one of whom eloped and left the country a couple of weeks after I had started. This wasn't a problem for me, but when the remaining partner decided to spend the entire time bitching and gossiping about the absentee, I decided to quit.

I don't mind listening to people, but when they give you deadlines for unpaid work and then proceed to distract you constantly, I have a problem

My condolences to you. I have lost my mother and so I have just my own experience to talk about. You definitely need to talk to a therapist. You also need to realize that there is a process to grief and the first stages are the hardest and the most painful. You need to be understanding and caring to yourself and acknowledge that its hard right now but it WILL get better. The pain you will never forget but your reaction to the pain and hurt gets easier. One thing that got me through was remembering that all I have to do is get through the next minute and then that increased to getting through the next hour and then that increased to getting through the next day. Each step you take and it gets easier and easier.

Sorry to hear about the death of your mother,Structrix.I find my life very difficult,even before my Dad's death,and I sometimes have to take it one hour at a time.I wish I could fast forward or blank out the grieving process but unfortunately it just has to be got through.

I just lost someone and feel much the same. She was the only person in the world that I trusted, and now I am alone.

Condolense to you, i wasnt close to my parents and when my dad died i didnt shed a drop of tear
but it must be really bad for you loosing your only support

I cant really advice you on anything because even i dont have any solution

Infact I tried volunteering and applied to many places but they didnt take me in
at one of the place she wont even answer my phone call

but yes if you get a opportunity of volunteering do take it up
might help you gel in social scenario

Its natural to grieve at these times, and you can let it happen. Time will lessen the pain and loss you feel. Like you said, you just have to make your way through it.

In the general sense, you seem stuck in a very tight rut, with both negative experiences and not much direction on how to change things. The only impression I have is that you need to make a very distinct turn away from past things and rebuild your life on a new set of ideas and principles. This time up to now has not been wasted, for you learned things, but it has to be acted on.

I'd assume you have been to see doctors and have a psychiatrist and perhaps therapist? If not, that might be a good place to start. If you have, then it might be something to restart with the situation as it is now, or even with new doctors.

You have an idea of what you want to do, and accomplish as far as relationships go, but also should consider some form of outside occupation, no matter how small. If you can come up with some goals, then you can look at the practical options and how to attain them. I am not pretending it is easy. Breaking out of habits and going into new territory is hard. But it is something you will have to do, to get anywhere.

Thank you to everyone who has replied.

Get the rest you need.

Be kind to yourself.

Spend a designated time each day - no more than ten minutes - focusing exclusively on what you are feeling, and accept any feeling which comes up.

Realise that you are at a vulnerable time and be careful about making any new major decisions or trusting new people at this time.

Know that grief eases with time and the best memories come back more strongly to enrich us.

Give yourself time to accept and process the loss.

Grief takes a lot of energy. So I repeat: get the rest you need.