Really angry

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I hate myself. I got diagnosed with Aspergers in October and ever since then I've been replaying old memories and I feel so embarrassed. All the stupid s**t I did, all the times when I thought I was being nice but was really very rude, all the times people looked at me funny. That's the worst, I can see people's condescending smiles and it pisses me off so much, and the fact that they come from people who I consider my best friends. I'm not happy. Nearly everyday I think about suicide. I'm not going to, but this is the most I've ever thought about it. I keep feeling like I'm on the edge, like I'm one bad day away from going crazy. I'm so angry. I hate everyone for how they treated me, but mostly I hate myself for being such a freak.

I hate that my friends don't take my pain seriously. I hate that I can never really communicate what I'm going through to them. Because when we talk, I act like everything's fine and that our relationship is solid, and I believe it, but shortly afterwards I get angry again.

I don't know what I hope will come out of this post. I just needed to get this out I guess. I'm tired. I cry almost everyday. I thought about seeing a therapist, but it's going to take some time. I barely have the energy to do anything these days.

You are not alone. I have similar feelings of anger, toward the universe mainly, because it seems so unfair. I also look back at things I did and can't believe I did them. I got my diagnosis two years ago, and mostly, I feel better. At least now I know why things are so hard for me. Also, I know that it is harder for me to understand people and interact socially, but I can improve on my social skills.

Seeing a therapist might help, I encourage you to seek one out. Not all therapists are created equal however, so don't be put off if the first one you find isn't working for you.

We got our diagnosis' at the same time, I might add.

You must remember:

All these embarrassing memories and social faux pas (what is the plural of faux pas, anyone?) aren't your fault. You have a neurological disorder that makes these things difficult. Welcome to the club.

With regards to everyone else's reaction - people are ignorant. This isn't their fault either. Nobody learns about ASD at school and nobody around you gets an information pamphlet about how best to deal with your ASD. If you're not willing to be patient and understanding with people, you can't expect them to be patient and understanding with you.

From your post, it sounds like you are perhaps aware of the mistakes and social errors you have made - congratulations - not all Aspies are. I would therefore guess that you are at least some way equipped to learn from your mistakes, and avoid making them in future.

Don't give up on yourself or other people.

Sorry. I got cut off. I was going to say that therapy would probably help. Is there anyone you feel comfortable talking to about your feelings. I read in a book that this often happens to people when they're diagnosed. The author suggested helping others as a way to stop obsessing about the past.

I can barely stand any contact with people right now so I hope this is a phase that will blow over soon.

Very similar thing happening to me right now. The anger is destroying me and nothing, and nobody feels safe. No future seems possible, no matter how much I have in the world.

I simply cannot make it understood. I don't even have confidence in my own understanding of it. It's like I know what I'm experiencing, but that truth has been made to matter so little that it doesn't even feel like the truth anymore. The task before me has always been to deal with other peoples' misconceptions of me. Since the truth about me was never something they could believe, then the truth about me couldn't matter. It just faded, even from my own mind, because it was irrelevant.

Thanks guys, I feel a lot better. I think I will seek out a therapist, but it's going to take awhile.

It's all in growing up and learning social skills. When I think back of the pitiful s**t I've said or done in the past, I could probably end up diagnosing myself PTSD just from the stress it causes me from simply thinking about it. We've all been there. The more bad experiences you have, the better you are at recognizing these situations when they arise again.

All you (we) can do is take the experience as a learning experience, appreciate the wisdom you have today as a result and keep learning from your mistakes. Those who matter in your life will stick around no matter what.