..sigh.

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Hello again.

Recently during school i have been feeling pretty low. Lower than the magma in the center of earth.In fact, im red-hot as well..angry at myself.That isn't much of a big deal though. Deppresion is the lightning that srikes me down. Frustration is no more than a drop of rain.


Basically, i am absolutely paranoid of isolation and getting shouted at (due to events regarding my parents), so when a teacher gets aggrivated with me i start cowering and whimpering. However, who you hang around with influences who you are as well, so my mother's talking back and my dad's Smart-A$$ (excuse the curse, im just trying to make my point as clear as possible.) comments has me saying everything i can to avoid a yell, however i am still me and try to be as kind as i can. What comes across as "kind" is different for everyone, though. I tend to consider a painful whack kind compared to being told that i'm hated.

Yet "id rather be hated for who i am then be loved for who i'm not."

Anyway, the situation this applies to is that i was chatting with a freind during study hall (the majoroty of the class was engaged in some sort of conversation, so it didnt seem to be a problem) when the teacher told us to pipe down. Their was no need to argue, so i sealed my lips and started to draw. (I had nothing to be doing) A couple minutes later I accidently forced the pencil down on to the paper too hard, which formed a tear in the sheet. Now normally that would'nt be a issue, as the quick sketches aren't really of any importance, but i sort of enjoyed this doodle, and considering how much time there was left in this class before dissmissal i needed something to do. Continuing the picture seemed like a enjoyable and time consuming idea.
Having made my decision, i surveyed the room for a tape dispenser, and having saw none, i could either
A: give up and do something else
Or B: ask someone for tape.

I chose the latter option, seeing as giving up so painfully easy would be pointless, and asked my friend M (name changed for privacy ) who was at my table if he had a roll of tape on him. This is how the conversation went: (everything in dashes is an action)

"Me: -whispering- Hey mason, do you have any tape?
M: -looks up- hm? Oh, no i don't
Me: -shrugs- ok, thats fine.
Me: -looks to my friend E- Hey E do you have any tape on you?
E: not really.
Me: kk."

I then asked quietly to my table "do any of you have tape?" . They all unfortunately replied that they don't, then my teacher swiftly turned her head and said "i thought i told you to be quiet!"
I didn't expect that at all, especially considering the fact that i had only just spoke, yet a vast majority of the classroom had been yapping away for the entire period. I replied almost immediately, stating "oh, sorry! I was just asking for some tape" Mrs.B obviously was not satisfied with that answer, and said " that dosen't mater" and some other words which are a bit of a blur to me. Im going to show the rest of the discussion in the same format as above:

"Me: but the rest of the class is talking!
Mrs. B: - a bit louder then normal speech- (points to a group) they are talking about Math
though.
Me: i just needed some tape!
Mrs.B: Than you should have...(more smudged memory, cant remember)
Me: But..your talking."

The teacher than got irritated with me, and shouted put your name on the board!! !" ( that is her form of knowing who did something innapropriate) and when i when up to sign, she shouted "how dare you be so disrespectful!! !" I was horrified, and quickly sprawled down my name (i also drew a quick bowtie next to it like usual, for whovian pride) before stumbling to my seat. My head then burried itslef into my arms, and i started to sob silently.

We did make up, but i was fear-stricken terribly that day and was shaking uncontrollably.

And people are constanltly gossiping abot that.. Like i need a reminder

This wasnt the first situation that happened to make me so miserably upset over the past two days, but i'd prefer to post this now rather than risk losing all of this excrutiatingly long post.


Anyway, if you have any comment, advice, or stories that this one reminds you of i welcome you to post it.

Part two will be linked here when finished if you are interested.

once in junior high history class, I was doodling on my desk with the eraser end of my pencil. the teacher accused me of trying to make a cheat sheet of my desk and made me erase the entire desk top while the whole class watched. some teachers don't seem to mind causing great embarrassment, even when they don't understand the situation clearly.

sorry you had such a rough day. if it's any consolation, I turned out okay. I've had to work on my self-esteem (not just because of that one incident). you are worth just as much as that teacher.

Hang in there. middle school is the pits