Suicidal thoughts

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I know I'm too critical of myself and I know I'm generating all of these negative thoughts, but I can't help it. I don't even see anything good about my accomplishments. If you were to ask me to right down all of my good qualities and accomplishments on a piece of paper, I couldn't do it, My peers, friends, co-workers, etc all tell me that the list would be endless. The only good thing I can say about myself is that I'm 155lbs of muscle with 10% body fat , 8 years ago it was 230lbs with no muscle, but even now I'm having a panic attack because I'm thinking about how work is keeping me from studying for my personal training certification while being surrounded by people I want to punch in the throat for being idiots, on top of that I'm trying to figure out a time to work out, go to my university to settle a payment issue, etc. Plus every 5 seconds I'm contemplating this, I want to escape from it all, just drop everything and run out the door screaming my head off reminding myself that I'm a 28 year old fitness coach/zumba instructor that still lives with his parents that can't take on a full semester because of the stress. I failed at life period. Plus I look at the lives of some of my friends. My buddy Tyler only has his associate's in Computer science , works at a hospital , and is working with investors for a video game company, and he has Asperger's. I've worked my ass off trying to survive on this planet mentally while working my ass of some more bettering myself and always learning, but no one gives a crap. I don't see anything in my future except more torture until I get my Masters. I just want to get the hell out of here.

Hi, the job at the YMCA seems like it has the sucky sales approach where the employee is being asked to sell only one thing. That is not professional sales at all. In professional sales, there's a variety of products and services and you have a real conversation with the potential client. And so, you currently face the poisonous environment where people don't really know what they're doing.

And I generally agree with what the person said on the previous page about grad programs typically being very unfriendly places even thought I have only taken post-bac classes myself.

In addition, I'm wondering if you're facing what I faced in my family where I was expected to be the wonder horse, and bring 'honor' to the family. And make the whole family worthwhile. I mean, what a goddam trap. And no where near did I have the skills to understand if I'm the hero of the family one season, it's oh so easy for me to be the goat the next.

Instead of a life filled with tight obligation (even if the projects are worthwhile), I think you need some activities you can do in a thoroughly half-assed way and maybe some off the wall activities to boot.

For example, there's something I've heard called Cat Action Team where they try and help feral cats through a program of capture, spay, and release and any surrounding controversy is probably a good thing. And if you can help out an occasional Saturday, they'd probably be glad to have you without all the criticism that you'll not doing it the right way.

Or, maybe a local bar that has a weekly billiards tournament. As an athlete, I bet you can get pretty good at it, at least to be in the thick of things.

If you can get 5 or 6 activities like this that you can pick and choose from it can start giving you an external life. I myself also like politics but I realize that's not everyone's cup of tea.

Okay, I also struggle with depression, have not yet tried antidepressants, but they are kind of my ace in the hole. What I have read from a variety of sources is that it is trial and error in a respectful sense and no doctor can predict in advance what medicine will help which patient. And also, that it is usually important to come down from the medication in stages even if it doesn't seem to be working. For me, if it comes to it, the goal of antidepressants would be to give myself energy to try a series of medium risks.

I've read about that in book called " Love Yourself." Kind of hard to do though when my inner critic keeps telling me I'm a failure and ignore my accomplishments.