Failure to communicate

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I've been feeling quite hopeless over the past few weeks. I have struggled with my social skills my entire life, but I have made many improvements along the way. With all that I have improved, I still hate to admit how much further I need to go.

I saw a therapist recently to try and work on my social skills and improve my interpersonal communication, but she basically told me that she could do nothing for me until I learned to communicate my feelings more effectively. This really struck a chord with me, because it made me realize just how poor my verbal communication skills are. If I'm not even able to communicate well enough for a therapist to help me with my communication skills, how can I expect to communicate well enough to develop actual friendships or romantic relationships?

I feel like I can make superficial small-talk with relative ease, but nothing I say ever goes beyond that, and I find it impossible to elaborate on things. For example, if someone asked about my job, I would basically say "I'm an engineer, and I troubleshoot and design things". Sure, I'll throw in a few things that I like/dislike, maybe a few of my daily tasks, but all-in-all my answer will take under 2 minutes, and it is one of the most important aspects of my life. I feel like this is one of my biggest issues, because my conversations become mostly me asking the other person questions, but I am hardly able to answer their own questions with any true definition or clarity. It's not that I don't want to, but it's that I simply don't know how, and I never have.

I guess I'm just posting this because I don't have anyone that I can actually talk about my feelings with, but they've been pent up for so long that I feel the need to share them. If anyone has any suggestions for improvement I'm all ears.

Maybe you need to find a therapist who will try to help you learn to communicate your feelings more effectively....or one who has more skill/experience working with people who have trouble communicating. Just because that therapist can't help you doesn't mean nobody can.

Write in a journal. Start each entry with the phrase, "I feel". Look up feeling words in the dictionary if you have trouble coming up with feelings words. After you write down which emotion you are feeling, go on to write about why you think you feel that way. Do this everyday. Eventually you will be more aware of how you are feeling.

You might want to google "emotional awareness" or "improve emotional awareness" to find other exercises. If you can identify how you are feeling, you can communicate how you are feeling to other people when asked.

That makes sense to me.

Has anyone heard of a therapist who would work via e-mail?
I tried going to a therapist for a while. It was worthless. I understand now that I really can't think or answer in real time. I write better than I talk, and would never get anything out of in-person sessions.
Years ago, I heard that insurance won't pay unless it's in-person, which strikes me as insane. (Maybe that's changed by now?) The world will accomodate you if you speak a foreign language or sign language or just about anything else.

I cant think or answer in real time either. I have such difficulties with Doctors and anyone else I have to explain things to or answer. I currently found a therapist that does by skype or whatever which is the closest thing to video email. Maybe finding someone to do that might be better because your in your own space, it might help you to think better. Good luck!

Ha ha - I am engineer too.

Actually, according to Dale Carnegie's book "How to Win Friends and Influence People", and Jon Elder Robison for that matter, you don't want to spend too much time talking about yourself. If you are on the spectrum, you have a hard time telling if you are boring the other person (if they ask questions when you stop, you are OK, if they don't, that's your cue). I think it was Robison said you want to start a timer in your head for about a minute, and when the minute is up, stop talking about yourself.

People are interested in them selves far more than anything else, including you. Ask the other person about what they do, or went on vacation, or if they got a speeding ticket, what happened, whatever. Sometimes you might learn something anyways.

I would say go see another therapist. And go read that book by Carnegie. Just be prepared to feel like a complete idiot after you read it (or listen to it on book-on-CD in my case).

Actually, the whole what-do-you-do-I-am-an-engineer thing, I think you got it right. You say what you do, I design things, and unless they ask you any more question, don't offer any more. Its sort of like how dogs sniff each other asses, for some reason people want to know what you do so they can size you up, figure out how much money you have, or something.

Something that surprised me that first time I was told this is not all therapists fit all. You're not stuck with the first therapist you go to. If you're not comfortable with a therapist, you can always switch.

That's really the gist of my problem...I leave it at that, and then start asking the other person questions. That ends up making for a very one-sided conversation...I ask them a whole slew of questions, they tell me their entire life story, while I only throw out a few snippets of my own. It's not that I don't want to elaborate, it's that I honestly feel that I'm unable to.

It's kind of like if someone asks how your day is and you say "good". The conversation is over before it started in that case. I feel like I answer a lot of questions with, basically, the conversational equivalent of a "good", even if I want to say more.

Well, I'm pretty sure this counts as communicating your feelings.

I'd be very surprised if there weren't any. You'd have to ask around -- as a starting point maybe contact the local college of psychologists website and ask if they can refer you to somebody who does therapy via email.