One final party.

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I plan on blowing my final paycheck from my job on an extravagant party for the few 12-step friends I have left. $400 on the best food, soft drinks and games. Hopefully, it will last for several hours.

Then there is a bridge that is just a couple of miles where I live that looks high enough to do the job I intend on doing with myself.

I am tired of people listening to the way that I speak and assuming that I have incredibly low intelligence. I am tired of the prejudice I face everywhere I go. I am tired of being an addict on top of it all. I am just tired of being myself, with my lispy and often incoherent voice.

I want to die.

I do not know you but I can tell you that ending it all is not worth it, having a problem with talking is not a good reason to kill yourself.

I feel deeply for you & understand what you are saying. I can relate to much of what you are going through and it brought tears to my eyes. I wouldn't wish such pain on my worst enemy.

Please don't go to the bridge if what you are planning is to jump. I don't want you to suffer but I truly believe that as long as you are alive there is still a chance that you will find peace and happieness. There is no denying that for those of us on the spectrum the chances of finding these things are more remote than for the NT's. Still, statistically speaking, it is possible. Personally I can't see how it will happen for me but as long as I stick around there is a chance. I belive there is a chance for you too and I am holding out hope for you and all the others on this lonely journey.

BTW I have an Aspie daughter who loves Len (she is vocaloid and anime crazy). It was your username that made me stop and read.

namaste, your response is completely devoid of decency.

To all else who responded, I made an emergency appointment with my therapist that will take place in four hours from now. Something is seriously not right if my mind is refusing to leave places like the one I have described in my post above.

I am glad that you have an apointment. I have been where you are now. I was going on a spring break medical mission trip hoorah, then I had a room at a hotel with a balcony above the 10th story. I am now glad I did not do it. Have a party with your friends, but keep up life.
*hugs*

I have been in a similar place that what you describe in your initial post. Talking with my therapist during such times was a big help. Sometimes just having someone to vocalize things to helps. I trust it will help you too.

Good. That means that you don't REALLY want to die. If you did, you wouldn't have called your therapist. Go and tell her how you feel. I'm addicted to sugar, and my mom was watching Dr. Oz (prominent daytime TV personality in the US, and yes he's a real doctor) and called me to say that he says that sugar is as addictive as cocaine. The first withdrawal was horrible, but it got easier and easier to get back on the wagon after each slip up. That's how addiction is, each day gets easier and easier, at least with some things. Prejudice is simply one of those things, there will always be bigots. Some people still hate blacks or Jews or Mexicans or whatever, it seems to be human nature to demonize the Other. You don't have to let them get to you, you don't have to base your self-worth on people who will hate you anyway.

I sometimes fall into more or less this exact pattern after parties, just my 2 cents but perhaps you should let yourself deviate from the strange norm of seeking interaction and subsequently trying to marginalize it - I catch myself doing this all the time, it's kind of incomprehensible but I've made some gains thinking this way.

I'm glad you made this decision. It's probably in my best interests to do similar, as I've had continued thoughts of being an aberration and perversion of the very system required for human beings to function in need of removal the past day and a half. Focusing has been near-impossible. I'm not depressed, I don't face bullying, and I don't feel as though my life is meaningless, so I don't know what's to be done for me.

I will say, however, that people's ability to understand and tolerate variation has no effect on someone's abilities, not if they're a scientist, not if they're a writer, not if they're an artist, and not if they're simply an impassioned person with a goal or a need. Some may view your intelligence as low, but your intelligence is your own to do with as you please and find ways to slip past their prejudice until they can come to understand that speech and appearance are not good markers for intelligence. Prejudice has been successfully defied before and will be many times again.

Thanks for all of the supportive responses.

I did talk with my therapist last night, and it did help quite a bit. I often need reminders that I need not feel shame over any thought, feeling or opinion that I have, and that I really do not have any cognitive issues, despite how many people around me seem to think otherwise.

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your consent. -Eleanor Roosevelt

Eleanor knew what she was talking about; I've read accounts of some of the mudslinging that Wall Street did to her, and it was some pretty vile crap, but she was unbowed, So, just as long as you no longer have immediate plans to jump off a bridge. Hold your head high, you're better than your kiddie-raping aunt, or the relatives who enable her.

Been in that place more than I would like to confess. All I can say is that 3 five year plans on I'm still here. (The 5 year plan: in short you stuck it out this long, if it's as bad in 5 years you can give yourself permission).

Namaste, that's very insensitive and inappropriate for the Haven.

KagamineLen, I'm glad you spoke to your therapist. Please continue to take care if yourself.

To everyone else, do not think that just because this person is reaching out that they were never serious. Suicidal ideation is always serious and we need to remember that even those wj
Go reach out can still be at risk of suicide.

I'm glad you are feeling better. Good job taking care of yourself.