Sick of Fighting?

Post Reply New Topic

I get so sick of fighting through the damn day. Sometimes all I want is to block everything out and not feel anything (ar least until this BS subsides). I'm tired of dealing with anxiety and depression and I'm sick of "coping". Coping isn't good enough - I want to damn well live my life, not barely get by.

Me too. Don't know how to help you, but yeah, can offer solidarity. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Well said. I sure can identify with that. Sometimes when I get up in the morning, the only thing to keep me going is looking forward to going to bed at night, back to oblivion.

It does feel like a lifetime war. I barely even hang out with my NT friends anymore because it also feels like I'm fighting to keep myself from saying anything awkward or off the wall, or constantly reassuring people I'm in not in a bad mood. Work and play are about the same situation. But humans need to interact it's our nature. Sometimes I drive myself crazy.

Ditto. I yearn to live, but all I can do is to adapt and cope. Its so frustrating

Its okay - I didn't expect answers anyway. I would say that I am glad I'm not alone, but I'm sad that anyone else lives with this.

It seems as if this feeling is impenetrable. It lies dormant within me on the better days, but it eventually erupts and takes over me. I'm scared that if people know just how vulnerable I am, then they'll decide that I'll scare them or make them angry. This is why I try my best to hide it from others because, like it or not, its damn scary to know that someone you love is in pain and wants to die. I don't want to put people through that and become a burden on them, which is why I'm spilling my guts on an anonymous forum. But I'm scared that things will never get better and I'm afraid that, one day, I will end up harming myself and hurting the ones I love. I want them to know how much pain I'm in and how much I love them, but I'm afraid they'll never know.

Well rest assured you aren't the only who feels that wayas I also feel the same, I just want my life to improve and things to get better and achieve what I know I can do, im fed uo of being like this. So if its any consolation you're not the only one with those feelings here, I bet tons of others feel exactly the same.

I was thinking about dying off and on too before I went to see a therapist last year. I used to have really violent thoughts about myself. But there are people who do love us and whether they can figure us out or not, they are there. I think the only thing that kept me going was thinking about how everyone would feel if I died. They would not believe I hated myself that much. There would be so much sadness and frustration. I would just think about dying and imagine the love there was that I didn't notice. People say Autism and Asperger's is a blessing because we can do things others can't do. Everyone's got a unique perk. I knew my alphabet before I could even talk. We are absolutely amazing to them. It's enough to make you smile again.

Much love.

Its not that I feel unloved, but that I might hurt those I love. It hurts to know that people you love are in pain and its a burden to have to constantly be there for them. That's why I keep it as far away from them as I can, because I don't want others to hurt like I do. But hiding this means losing intimacy and it gets isolating. I just can't give the love I should be able to and that kills me.

But you can give your love and your worries too. Friends put their heads on each others shoulders and that's how it should be. I was lucky to have people that listened to me, no matter how sad the things I said were. I could tell them anything. I didn't know if I wanted to tell them at first, but I did. I decided to tell the most genuine people I knew and they stayed by me until I got out of the funk. They are sweet sweet people. I should go visit them again. Someday I'll get over the fear of partytime social blunders. It's just part of me I have to accept.

I guess what I'm trying to say is you shouldn't be scared of hurting other people by telling them things. I bet if they found out, they'd like you to tell someone. You can have a friendship and still be troubled. If you do hide it it will feel isolating, and feel worse and worse. That is why friends have each other's backs. That's why I came here. I have all your backs.

I know that's how it should be - friends being there for friends - but I don't want to depend on them too much. Plus, many of my friends make themselves sick by worrying for others. Compassion fatigue is also common in friends and family of those with depression and I know, 'cause I've seen it happen.

My family, as much as they tried, were totally overwhelmed by my problems. So I tried to keep my mouth shut no matter how sh***y I felt inside. My family have put up with me because that's what families do. But if my friends were put in that position, I know they would decide not to be my friend anymore. I wouldn't blame them, because hanging out with depressed people isn't good for you.

There's only so much that they can di for me and I can't expect them to pick up the pieces all the time. I don't deserve their friendship as it is, to be honest. I don't know what they see in me, quite honestly. I'm not worth their concern.

Yeah I feel you. It would be nice to live instead of just coping. That's one thing I hate about therapy, its all about learning to cope instead of helping you live a productive real life.