Not sure if I can keep going...

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I am tired so very tired of having every sh***y thing within my life being my fault. I am tired of being told people don't understand me or that I am inappropriate in my relations to them. I am tired of the women I date treating me as a member of a harem fit only to be emotional Aleve to them in their relationships to the bastards they drag into their beds behind my back or to my face. I am tired of the cheap friends that love me when they need something but suddenly cannot find the time to even grab a beer with me for months without end. I am tired of my father who just embodies the sad future I dread for myself and my mother who cannot seem to relate to me if it doesn't involve instructing me in how my mask of normalcy is slipping. I am tired of my thoughts of suicide, the idea of following Kurt Cobain or Ernest Hemingway into swallowing that bullet. Worse are the vivid ideas I have of carving the rot and unworthy meat from my unsatisfying form and finally giving in to the childhood desire to immolate the strange face that stares back at me in the mirror. What does a man do when he is afraid of his own thoughts? The bad and the good that only seem to function to divide me more from the masses that surround me...

I am tired and because, wretch that I am I am of course to cowardly to tell this to those who know me, if anyone even really knows me, I will tell you folks what I wish I could say to them.

I am sorry...So so very sorry,
I cannot be better, I cannot be what I need to be.
I wish I could be one of you who I watched from my lonely seat at the back of the cafeteria or joined you in your dances or games. I thought I could learn to be those people that I could be worthy of being human...I used you to pretend at this and I am sorry for inflicting myself upon you, all of you.

you ARE human and worthwhile. sometimes it's hard to remember this when not-so-well-meaning people are constantly telling you otherwise, especially when these people are family. remind yourself often that you have just as much right to be on earth and to be happy as anyone else. then set about to do whatever it takes to be happy. not all women are harpies. keep looking. you will find a good one.

I'm sorry for your pain. I truly, truly am.

You are human. We're all human, especially here. In fact, the words you said are more human than many others I see in person.