Ever hate being born the way you are?

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I know that when I am around other ADHD autistics, I am always have a fun, creative, and interesting time.

I absolutely hate being born the way I was. Why the f-k do I even exist? I don't think I even have a reason for being here. I think maybe I should just die or something to make more room for all the little babies born every day that have next to no resources to support their needs.

Last edited by LtlPinkCoupe on 06 Jun 2014, 9:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

At first, but in the end I realize that I have to endure despite the crap that gets thrown at me, which I do. So no.

Yes, almost everyday of my life.

Yes, almost everyday of my life.

when i die, i'll make a nice snack for all the insects and decomposers.
that, and being borrowed from, is all i think i'm good for.

One of my problems is that while I'm an introvert for the most part, I'm just extroverted enough that I desire and crave social interaction sometimes, and that I start going kind of crazy when I'm isolated for long periods of time. Being able to talk to millions of different people online has no effect on this, as it doesn't "feel" like socialization to me. This is just fine most of the time, as I'm not usually comfortable around other people in real life, and I can't stand constantly being around other people, but at the same time, I can't stand being by myself 100% of the time either. It's hard finding an ideal balance. People assume that you either want to be around other people 24/7, or that you're a complete hermit who doesn't want to be around anybody ever. I'm neither of those, I'm just an introvert who sometimes likes social interaction, that is all.

I sometimes hate myself because when I actually try to be really social I end up annoying the s**t out of them, people see me talking to myself and look at me weird. Im all kinds of freak, I sometimes think im just a circus freak for everyone to stare at and expect me to do tricks for them as they throw peanuts at me and laugh at me.

That reminds me of what I was like back when I was in school. In elementary/middle school especially, I would act all weird and kids would laugh at me, and I thought that that attention was positive, but I only realized later on that these kids were making fun of me, and that they didn't take me seriously. It sort of persisted in high school, when these same kids would try to get my attention in the hallways, or around town, or wherever, and it just annoyed the piss out of me. I was known for being a freak and for being unintentionally funny, and I didn't like that. I just wanted everyone to f**k off and leave me alone.

I think its rather hard to argue that you'd rather you be born as someone else because that opinion was formed from being you your entire life.

I agree with your premise, but i don't think it's difficult at all. Seems more likely that it's unavoidable, for strangers like us at least.

I'm just tired of having to constantly apologize and explain myself to people, im always having people ask concerned questions about my behavior or asking me to stop doing distracting things like mumbling to myself, speaking too bluntly, or balancing on things that are apparently not for balancing (I love kinesthetic challenges). Im tired of having to say that im sorry for being who I am, annoying people with my obsession with objective truth. Why should I lie just to maintain other peoples' fallacies? That's the most morally objectionable thing I could even imagine! I decided it was worth it for some girls, but lying never turns out well; even when my comprehension of nonverbal communication has excelled that of any NT I've met, and my ability to account for multiple factors is far off well enough to not get caught. It is not getting caught that's the problem, it's the unpredictable consequences of getting what you want but dont, in truth, deserve. Im tired of this public isolation, this standing pressure to maintain more awareness of my behavior than any other person would be expected to. Even in the face of success, the scars left from the path we have to carve out just to stay alive are irreparably damaging. It seems like everyone else was born with the path right in front of them, and we were lost to the jungle; sometimes able to hear the incomprehensible voices of people nearby, but rarely able to reach them. So we just keep hacking away at the dense underbrush, years of hacking, hacking, hacking, aimlessly to what you convince yourself is nowhere ? but then you hear the incomprehensible voices calling out in mockery, urging you to trudge onward through the thick and muck. Going with confidence that if those as*holes can make it, you sure as hell can, too.

Now, now walrus

Who told you to do all that?

I'm not sure what you mean, but if you're wondering why I wrote all that, I just got carried away.

Yes, I hate it.

I used to think like that for a long time of my life but i'm trying to move out from that.
I'm learning to focus on things that i can do well instead of just suffer and punish myself because of the ones that i can't do.
A few days ago a curious thought came to my mind: Autism will be as hard as the ones that are around you want it to be (i don't know if that makes much sense). But what i know is that i have met a few people from my city and i have never ever felt so well in a group of people (8 to be exactly) as i am now. They understand me and they don't push my limits, they know how to talk to me and they know how to ask me about myself and stuff like that.
So basically they don't make me feel the freak that i've hated so much during my life. Or, i don't know, maybe they accepted the freak that i am and that makes me forget about that.
There are comprehensive and nice people in this world and finding them is a very important thing if we want to move on from thoughts like that.

Last edited by Andrejake on 29 Jun 2014, 5:57 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Double post, sorry.