Feeling hopeless

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So here I am, 33, with two kids, no job and in the middle of a hellish divorce. I want to get a formal diagnosis, but I'm in the middle of a custody fight with an emotionally abusive cretin who would use it against me. Someone I really looked up to, a person I love like a sister, told me several months ago that she suspected I was on the spectrum. When I tried to take the stance that "autism is a difference, not a disability," she chewed me out and point-blank told me I was disabled.
That was four months ago.
Since then, it has taken everything in me not to kill myself. I love my kids, but I worry that I'll be a horrible, abusive parent because of my neurology. (I read the ASPAR page, which is a website support group for the abused children of Aspie parents.) I worry that I'll never be able to get a job. I worry that every person who says they care about me is lying, and really wishes I was dead. (My friend supports prenatal testing and eugenics, and "understood" why Alison Tepper Singer felt the need to grab a camera and talking about driving her daughter off a bridge IN FRONT OF HER CHILD. After all, I'm so "high-functioning" that I can't possibly understand that raising a disabled child is hell.) Does she wish I was dead too? Am I a mistake? I want to be angry, but I'm not sure I have the right to be. So I go through the motions and try to keep everyone happy.

Why do you think you will be an abusive parent now if you never were before? Have you been able to work at all in the past? Why do you think you will never get a job?

Having AS does not make you an abusive parent. If you care about your kids and try to treat them right, you won't be an abusive parent.

aspie here. i was a summer mom for three years to my ex-fiance's daughter. far from being abusive, i kept him from abusing her. just because we're autistic, doesn't mean we'll abuse. the fact that you care whether you might be abusive is good evidence you won't be.

part of your feeling so bad about yourself is having lived with emotional abuse from your husband. please don't let him win in destroying you.

Because of my cretin ex, my little family has already been investigated by Children's Services numerous times. They found nothing wrong with me, and agree that his behavior to the girls is "off," but does not constitute abuse.
Before I came to NY, I held a job for over two years, and left it to relocate. It was a pretty decent job--repetitious yet challenging.

Aspergers most definitely would not make you an abusive parent, sure some parents with aspergers are abusive but so are some NT parents...we don't say they all are. The fact that you are so worried about this possibility proves what a conscientious and caring parent you really are, you obviously put your kids first. The thoughts you are expressing remind me of the thought patterns I have when I'm very depressed. Have you been to the doctor about this? I know you're worried about your ex using things against you but no one could blame you getting depressed under your current circumstances and it certainly doesn't reflect on your ability to parent.

I'm seeing a therapist. I don't believe in antidepressants--tried twice and both times they made me worse.

I just want to know that I have value. That the people I love don't really want to just push me off a bridge.

Is your therapist helping you manage these thoughts?

You definitely have value and I'm sure your family love you very much and would reassure you of that if you talked to them but it probably wouldn't help- you'd either continue to think it or find something else to dwell on, you just have to step back from these thoughts and see that they're part of an illness and don't reflect reality- they are just thoughts.

Do I have the right to be angry? Am I really too "high-functioning" (which I guess means that I sort of look and act "normal" and it doesn't seem like I'm making a Herculean effort to do so) to understand the hell people like me inflict on our families?

May I suggest something?

You're in the middle of a divorce, which is horrible and stressful enough even if your stbx is a decent person, which doesn't sound like the case here. How about put down the self-castigation till you get through with this? And for that matter stop talking to people who insist on telling you horrible things about yourself, true or not.

Focus on the divorce process, getting yourself and your kids through it in one piece, and paying attention to what the lawyer says. When you're out the other side, and have patched your life back together and helped the kids acclimate, you can think about whether or not you're a horrible mom. (Likely not.) One thing at a time.

Your personality has far more bearing than your aspergers on how you impact your family...and seeing as you care so much about how you make them feel I'd say you have a nice one, don't worry. Remember this is the depression talking.

You could be describing my life completely just three years ago. (Except I got the diagnosis before the divorce, and decided the marriage was over, and abusive, when my ex said my medical diagnosis was bunk.)

Get the diagnosis. With that, you will have confidence getting the help you need right now to develop effective coping tools. It will help you find a therapist who will be able to truly "get" what you need and will use appropriate tools. Pre-diagnosis, my attempts at therapy were miserable failures, because my presentation as an ASD woman made the professionals think I was a battered woman (because of the PTSD).

Divorce is crazy difficult for NT people, even when both parties are amicable and mentally healthy. You, suffering from mental abuse, are going to find this process difficult. The issues of also being ASD just multiply those difficulties--processing issues, difficulty reading and understanding all the legal documents and system, trying to figure out how to talk to your lawyer and what he/she is saying to you...it's just really messy. Know that it is difficult for everyone, and that your unique differences mean that you need a little extra help.

You need a support network. That starts with a lawyer who gets you or is at least willing to work with you and your "quirks". Next find a therapist with experience/expertise working with women on the spectrum and who have the right cognitive approach for you. Then, start populating your world with a social network of supportive friends, family and acquaintances. Took me awhile in this stage to realize that not everyone in my life had what it takes to truly support me through bad times. It was a time of culling old relationships, putting others at a distance and cultivating new circles of friends.

Next, you need to take self-care on as your primary concern. Yes, even before your kids. You have to remain functional in order to parent. That means, eat well, sleep well, get some exercise, take regular bathroom breaks, schedule yourself time to fall apart emotionally (including, perhaps, art projects or writing to help you uncover and release emotional wounds). Focus on the good things about just this second right now. There were times that the only thing I could find to be grateful for, was the air coming in and out of my lungs. Everything else was just too painful. Focusing on your own joy and looking for your own gratitude will help you get solid with yourself in this very shaky time. That's why I tell you to get the diagnosis--it's the only way to find the right coping mechanisms to keep you healthy so you can be the best possible mom in the middle of the s-storm. Besides, remember that this is a medical diagnosis. No one's business but your own, unless you choose to reveal it. Certainly, douchie exes don't deserve disclosure.

Know that you are loved. You aren't alone. You can do this. I believe in you.

This might seem an indelicate question, but do you suspect you might be abusive because of your own self-knowledge, or because of bulls**t opinions you've been fed by the abusive party?

I don't want to accuse anyone...

But I know what it is like to be in an abusive situation with someone you care about... someone who truly believes they are doing or thinking the right things... but are really just being selfish...

Allow me to throw out there that you are not in a good place right now ... even your own perception of yourself may be skewed... because of what you've gone through. You need some space, both physically and temporally, from the situation (i.e. the abusive person) to get back to neutral thinking ground, before you can decide what you would/would not be capable of.

The only thing I can advise you is don't let anybody change your opinion of yourself. It's not Asperger's that makes a person abusive. It's: fear, selfishness, cruelty, insensitivity and basically, TRYING TO TURN PAIN INTO POWER WITHOUT LOVE.

Have you seen the movie 'I Am Sam'? All you need is love. Not a neurotypical brain.

Are you able to find someone you trust to help you talk with the lawyer etc? You should not have to carry this burden alone. Reach out for help!

I'm telling you now, you have value. You should believe it.

You don't need anybody to tell you you're valuable. If somebody wants to push you off a bridge, that's their problem, not yours.

You sound like a really nice and thoughtful person, everyone here says the same, so take that to heart and let it strengthen you. If you need help, ask for it, demand it even; don't be afraid.