Just so unbeleivably heart broken

Post Reply New Topic

Just feeling so sad.
Got married on the 21st of June. Spent YEARS planning. Hand crochet wedding gown, world class harp player, mountain views in Canmore Alberta, Canada . . . every detail perserverantly attended to with absolute social oblivion. How do you really pull off a wedding when even your own family doesn't like you?

I hadn't seen my brother in six years (he lives in China). The family stayed just long enough to meet their obligations. Then flew out together to Ontario to spend two weeks at the cottage with my aunt who ignored my invitation and didn't come. I got to see my brother for all of 11 hours before someone richer and cooler came along . . . I feel the kid in grade six when who spent all year planning a birthday party and some kids showed up, ate cake then admitted they were taking off right away because the rich b***h had planned a pool party on the same day.

And the worst part is that no-one ever understands. That a 35 year old woman can still be fielding the same type of bullying that goes on among 12 year olds, and from their own family. And there is no way to confront them on anything because every time I ever raise any complaint they deny everything and act like I'm at fault for being upset in the first place . . .

I feel so humiliated and like such a ret*d. Of course if they'd actually wanted to have anything to do with me, it wouldn't have taken six years and a party that cost thousands. I'm such a f*ckin idiot.

As you described it, it seems to me that none of the despicable family behaviors were your fault ... at all.

You have the bad memory of their boorish behavior, but you also have the great memories of a fantastic wedding! A lot of people would be very envious of your accomplishment.

And, I suspect strongly that your friends were there, too? Did they act like your family?

Mourn your family's choice to be selfish at your wedding, but celebrate how, except for them and their behaviors, you succeeded in having an amazing event that celebrated you, your partner and all your friends. For that, congratulations! You did very well.

Congratulations on your marriage! Try to let your partner know how he can help, then hold your head up and remind yourself you aren't responsible for their behavior.

Are you on honeymoon now?

You have been trying for 35 years to turn your family into a warm, loving family. I hope that you finally realize it's never going to happen. It's not your fault that they are this way, but you have been paying the price for it through their nasty behavior, and through your foolish, but understandable attempts to fix the situation. You can't fix them because they don't think there is anything wrong with the way they treat you.

Stop trying to turn your family into the Waltons. It just causes you pain when you fail at this. Instead, limit contact with them, to occasional phone calls, and get on with your life. We can't pick our birth family relatives, but we can choose our friends, and our marital family. Stop wasting your emotional energies on people who don't really like you. It's their loss. Instead put your energy into your relationships to friends and marital family.

I truly hope you have a long and happy marriage, and that you get along well with your in-laws.

Congratulations on your wedding! I wish you and your partner a long life of happiness together. I am sorry your family was not kind to you. I know what it feels like to crave love and a sense of belonging within your family and to not receive those things. I, too, have blamed myself. I no longer blame myself, and I no longer care about my biological family (the parts of if that were cold and unwelcoming). The truth is that people are people. Being related by blood does not mean that you will like each other's personalities. As adults living independently, we get to choose who we let into our lives. We get to choose how much we interact with our families. I am too old to spend time with people I don't like and who don't help me financially or emotionally. My family is my friends and those blood relatives who have stuck by me. To everybody else, my attitude is "f**k 'em!" I hope you come to peace with your family situation as well.

Congratulations on your wedding!

Seriously, just cut the rest of them out. Forget it, they never were the people you imagined or hoped they'd be. Focus on your friends, your new family, your community.

I had no -- zero -- family members at my wedding, but all my college friends turned out. Some shocked me by traveling a thousand miles for it. There were friends from grad school, young friends from my return to undergrad...three old boyfriends, too. We had an awesome time, and while while we didn't have a honeymoon, we did have a house, which meant we could have the party there and put up guests from far away. I completely flaked on music and photographer, but it didn't matter because friends were there with cameras and tunes.

My brother did much like you -- big formal deal, much effort to get family there -- and I'm afraid it wasn't fun at all. Our parents and their new spouses barely spoke, wouldn't come together for my brother; my mom got drunk (which she never does -- it turns out there's something worse than a habitual drunk, and that's a drunk with no practice), and my dad (who'd just met my husband for the first time, and was kind of rude to him) vanished almost as soon as the ceremony was over. I think my brother was just trying to keep things together, but my husband and I never met any bride's-side people, so we sort of got lost in the shuffle, and then the party evaporated. My brother didn't answer his phone the next day, so we left town without saying goodbye in person.

Definitely a fan of focusing on your "real family".

Congratulations on the wedding. I hope it was what YOU AND YOUR SPOUSE wanted it to be-- because that's what makes memories that you will enjoy. The vows Y'ALL wanted, the dress Y'ALL wanted, the music Y'ALL wanted, the time that Y'ALL wanted (minus the jerk behavior, anyway).

Because it's Y'ALL'S WEDDING.

Foul family is foul family is foul family.

Had plenty of foul family relations growing up (mocked and used by cousins, yadda-yadda-yadda). Went around for YEARS thinking it was my fault ("Oh, they'd like me if I weren't such a freak!" "They'd keep plans with me if I weren't such a loser!" "They wouldn't use me if I was cool enough to hang out without paying for my seat!!")

Yeah-- And then I learned a lot about the generational effects of untreated PTSD (like manipulative behavior and a massive sense of entitlement) and found out that they all have ADHD (which explains stuff like showing up when they feel like it, and not bothering to call, and forgetting plans about .75 seconds after something more stimulating comes along).

We get along better now. It took me moving first 30 miles away, and then 1000 miles away, and most of all building a life for myself where I got to feel semi-secure and at least slightly valued for myself so that I didn't NEED their acceptance and approval any more.

If I ever did need it so badly again?? I'd probably be totally f****d, to be honest.

Now-- I can explain my family's quirks with a few letters. Yours might just be selfish, materialistic, nasty, foul, keeping-up-with-the-Kardashians type people. You can't do anything about that. That doesn't have a whole lot to do with you (other than you getting spared having to hang around with them now that you're, you know, all grown up and stuff). IT CERTAINLY IS NOT YOUR FAULT.

There's always that wounded, rejected little kid inside that wants to finally win the approval of THOSE PEOPLE. But if those people are, to be blunt, f****d in the head...

...then you, too, would have to be f****d in the head (and not just f****d in the head, but f****d in the head in a way that is beneficial to them) in order for them to approve.

I'd rather be sane. Seek sanity, not the acceptance of nasty people. Tough when they're your family, but still the thing to do.

Congratulations on your wedding! I hope that you will have a long and happy life with your spouse.

Best advice I can impart to you? As much as it hurts, I think it's time for you to let your blood family go.

I had to let mine go. None of my aunts, uncles, or cousins ever really knew me or really wanted to know me, I was a black sheep to them. When my father died in November 1995, the first thing that his brother and his sisters tried to do was try to take away the life insurance policy that my dad had set up for me and my mom. Mom had to hire a lawyer to fight them. I eventually persuaded my uncle to sign the documents to turn the funds loose. I saw him three more times up to his death 10 years later and went to his funeral, but other than that, I have cut ALL ties to them. Overall, I have not literally spoken to them in almost 20 years. It is just something I HAD to do. My mother and what few friends I do have are my family now. And that is okay with me.

Thank you everyone for the replies. In a way it may be a good thing that I am finally disillusioned about it all. The rich aunt in Ontario who was too "busy" to decline the invitation, too "busy" to come, and too "busy" to send a card but not too busy to spend two weeks hosting a cottage party, she has taught me a valuable lesson.

I have an amazing family (husband who completely gets me) and two kids who are awesome. I have inlaws that totally love me and visit as often as they can, are involved with the kids and actually act like a family. Going forward this is where my time and energy needs to be. Just like the aunt who is too "busy" for people she doesn't actually like (that would be us), I cannot justify taking time away from the wonderful family we have created and the wonderful family I have married into for people who only talk to me out of obligation.

I am told that NT's prefer to smile through their teeth and keep up appearances and that to them this is gentler than actually saying what they think about each other. For me I would have preferred that people say it how it is and let me know in no uncertain terms. I felt so humiliated to finally figure this out! It actually hurt more that they had lied to me for all these years and let me go on believing that maybe they liked me. And this is the really cruel joke - NT's would have known years ago that everyone was acting out of obligation, that they didn't actually like each other and that it was a big elaborate social game, me I was just a naive little fool. When they made excuses not to visit, I just believed them at face value, I never thought that they were avoiding me because they actually didn't like me! This is what was so humiliating about it all I wish they had just been honest and straight forward about how they felt. Don't like me? Say so!

But now that I know, I am too busy for that kind of fakery.

Not sure how much they like anyone from how they act.

Iike your plan for moving forward, sounds like a really good one!

I remember you four years ago and back then you wanted to have a baby and now you have two, congratulation. At least you have your husband's side, unfortunately you can't fix your family. It's all a pipe dream when you believe you can get them to treat you right.

BTW was that your husband in the photo or your dad in law?

Yes that's my husband in the photo - I'm glad you could view it because it does not show up properly for me lol
(he is 13 years older)

I remember you too - yeah it's been a while since I posted here. Never feel like I really fit in anywhere.