Perhaps i'm still a bit depressed?

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I'm in my late teens and have Aspergers. When I was a bit younger I was very depressed and suicidal. This lasted for a while but then I started to get better and would only have "depressive episodes" with bigger time gaps in between each one. I still get depressive episodes but very rarely. I've been wondering lately if i'm still depressed and if I ever got over it or the depression just changed form(if you get what I mean).

The thing is, i'm just very flat, cynical and devoid of almost anything. Nothing really interests me and I just feel kind of... bland. I rarely get warm feelings. Sometimes its like being depressed broke something within me or bashed me down. Sometimes i'm fine and am happy but this is quite rare I suppose. I get quite angry about the way the world is. I don't have much faith in humans in general, I see through all the b*llsh*t in the media etc, I guess I have some views that are a bit "out there". It annoys me when people look at me like i'm some crazy hippy when I go off on one. I talk about things of worth and I get looked at like that. Other people talk a load of BS and get smiled sweetly at. I mean wtf?

Another thing that links in with what I just said is that I kind of see myself as separate from the human race. I kind of feel like an "outside observer". It sounds really bad but sometimes I feel superior in a way because of my more moralistic and refined way(excuse how arrogant that sounds). I'm actually getting quite worried about it because it's probably quite damaging for me in other areas of life. I sometimes feel a bit sad and alone, because I feel like there's not other people out there who think like me. I also often feel like this place(society?... I dunno) is quite brash and bullyish... yet despite me being so strong willed and ranty, I feel quite timid and delicate in comparison.

Sometimes I feel like i'm a bad person for who I am. I'm not too sure what my self esteem is like, sometimes I like myself, sometimes I don't, I guess that's normal. But sometimes I wish I could be more like everyone else. More "societally acceptable" I guess. Yet sometimes I like being different... complex!

This has been a bit of an all-over-the-place post but perhaps you can see where i'm coming from. Also, do you think I could be depressed to some degree or form? I've been in therapy 6 times, it never worked, NEVER going back. And i've never been on medication, for personal reasons(but who knows, perhaps it would inject some life into me!) I'm not currently working or in education, and I often feel fed up that i'm not doing anything(I put a post up about that the other day when I was feeling quite bad, but that's resolved now. I think I just needed to type it all down, and now I have more of a plan formed). Also, hello to the WP people on here I've only started a few post thingys but don't feel i've ever introduced myself. I originally was reluctant to post on these kind of websites due to my aversion to being in the Aspie-community, but perhaps i'll give this a go and see if it helps. Thanks for reading

A lot of people with depression describe similar feelings, actually. I think there might even be a name for that kind of "numb" feeling...

On another note, I'm wondering if people who just feel very separate from the rest of the world are prone to this, too. The reasoning would be that if they feel separate, then they can't connect, and if they can't connect they can't really get caught up in things in a positive way the way others can. It's hard looking in from the outside.

Just a little thought, since I noticed that I started feeling much less depressed as I started feeling more integrated into at least a couple of online communities and a workplace.

Have you tried fencing?

Just kidding. Well sorta. Fencing does look pretty cool. But anyway, why do you avoid associating with other Aspies? If anyone is going to be able to relate to your experiences and thoughts its others on the spectrum.

I too don't come on here often and this is actually the first post/reply I ever made on here. I was reading through your post and it was a bit scary how much of myself I see in it.

I am preparing to exit my teens in a week and I can relate to the numbness. Its akin to a black hole where my heart is and it just sits there sucking up almost every feeling except this sort of void sensation. I would personally still classify it as depressed as it feels like nothing I do will matter ultimately though it is a much different then what I used to feel two years ago. As for therapy, it never did me much good either. It all seemed rather pointless (talking just isn't going to fix me).

In regards to medication, I was on Zoloft for five months or so and I do have to say I felt a lot more energetic and well rounded. However, it came with a high price tag. I attempted to join the Air Force after my year had passed and for some reason they insisted my system had to be clear of the drug for 3 years. So if you take any type of medication, I would be well aware of the bigoted black mark that will be on your medical record until people let go of their biased opinions.

Bottom line, I feel empty pretty much everyday but I pick myself up and carry on. If you are unable to work out this type of deal, I would recommend trying an antidepressant and seeing if that helps. Though if you ever want to talk, teen to teen for 11 more days, I would be more than happy to hash out whatever you are going through.

Edit: Something I have found that works great for me when the void gets to much: Music. Trucks loads and truck loads of music. It tends to not me out of that slump and into a decent mood. I probably listen to at least 4 hours a day. If you haven't already tried Spotify, I highly recommend it.

This is actually really interesting. I've kind of wondered this exact same thing but I never really got it into words. But this really makes sense. It could actually be this. I do sometimes feel like i'm an adult watching a load of children at nursery, just watching but not actually contributing because it's like it's not "for me", kind of. It's hard to explain. I suppose this is what I meant about how my feeling of seperateness is probably damaging. I wonder if perhaps because I look around and see humans in a negative way because of all the stupid stuff, i've kind of disassociated from it all.

Well to be honest I initially found it all a bit cringeworthy. I had this idea of "aspie-pride" and I didn't like that idea. It also made me think of these meetup groups where people go with their mums and their mums just go on about how lovely and gentle their aspie-kids are and how they're so undeserving of having had such a hard time. I find it patronising. I don't want to be cooed and petted over because of it. I'm also still getting my head around my diagnosis, so I guess I felt that contributing to the community was like sticking the label on myself further, when in a way, I want to rebel against it. But now i'm rethinking such thoughts, as is evident by me being here typing now. What you said is indeed right though, I will most probably be better understood by others on the spectrum. And I have to admit, you did get me thinking about the fencing



I was interested to hear that you see yourself in what I wrote. I'm glad someone else can relate, though of course the situation isn't a great one to be in. What you said about the black hole where your heart is is something I can relate to, though I would probably explain it differently. For me it's like somethings trapped emotions have accumulated there, and the feeling gets worse when i'm upset, then it feels very heavy. It's kind of a sad, tender feeling. Sounds a bit weird, but at the moment, that's the only way I can explain it. The thing with me and medication is that I find the thought unsettling, to not know whether you're actually happy or if it's just the medication. It seems kind of unnatural. But maybe it would be a good idea to just try antidepressants, i'm not sure. Music does indeed work great for me too! I listen to quite alot of music everyday, depending on what i'm doing. I mainly listen to rock, metal and indie, though there are some exceptions. I especially listen to rock and metal when I am or can feel myself going downhill, I can almost feed from the power of it and it gives me a bit of fight to deal with what's coming. But if i'm already there, it's a good way to purge the emotion out, it feels like i'm getting it all out somehow. Thanks for your offer to talk, drop me a private message if you still feel like it. It would be good to have someone to talk to who I can perhaps relate with

I understand your reservations about taking any type of mind altering drug as I used to share those concerns. However, it got to the point where whether the happiness was coming from me or the drug was meta. My current view is (don't kill me for this you aspie-pride people) your brain isn't functioning the way it is supposed too. Taking a antidepressant is attempting to fix a neurochemical imbalance so in essence the only "real" you is the one on the drug. But anywho, drug or no drug, I am happy the way I am and I hope you feel the same.

As for the emotion, if you are dealing with a build up, I would try some heavy exercise. When I say "heavy", I don't mean you have to do 2 hours of squats or what have you. What works best in my case is 15 minutes of pushing myself to the absolute limit. I am almost positive that I am highly allergic to it but if I can get my heart rate up for awhile, it helps release some built up tension and anger. My personal favorite is the punching bag (just picture the face of that person). My mom suggested exercise for years and I am really happy I started (still not listening to the healthy diet one...yet).

I have actually started taking a herbal anti-depressant lately. I was even unsure about taking that at first, but now I think I might as well try it and see if that helps me with motivation and brings me to life a bit more. I have tried pretty much everything. Exercise, meditation, healthy eating, positive thinking, therapy, going out and about, you name it. Some things help for a little while but it does take alot of effort for me to do those things. But then I just lose the motivation or I feel depressed again and doing that stuff just becomes another burdensome thing which makes me feel worse. I should probably stick to it but I just hate doing stuff I don't want to do, it uses up so much effort, as bad as that sounds. Another thing is that I'm grumpy pretty much all the time. Pretty much everything p*sses me off. The thing is, is that I don't feel the problem is me, I just think I see through all the BS in the world. I don't have any motivation, and i'm just devoid of pretty much everything. I think some people in my family actually find it quite funny, how "flat" and unmotivated I am, I think they think i'm like a stereotypical teenage cartoon. I can't even remember how I felt before I felt this way, so I don't know what to return to, compare or aim for. I guess there's not many more suggestions that people can come up with to help me. It just permeates all things, no matter what I do. Sometimes I think I should just accept it as who I am and maybe just put it down to the Aspergers

I hope the herbal antidepressant works for you but I wouldn't judge how it affects you as typical for pharmaceutical antidepressants. This is probably a controversial opinion but I would trust a medication over something "natural" any day. Any person anywhere can pick a plant and call it herbal or natural or whathaveyou but it takes years upon years of study and research trials by trained PhD's for a drug to get approved by the FDA (Just because its natural doesn't mean its healthy, e.g. Deathcaps).

And this maybe a solution that you haven't tried yet but have you completely changed your surroundings? I just started my first semester as a freshman and I haven't felt this optimistic in a long while. I think maybe as you sit there and stew in all that nothingness, a bit of it starts to get attached to your surroundings in your head. Maybe try getting out of where you are currently and just go do something you have never tried before. Honestly, just go crazy. Go hop on a jetski, jump out of an airplane, or drive on a scenic road trip taking photos. Anything that might jolt you out of the haze. I would challenge you to that stupid sappy thing from "The Yes Man" where you say yes...TO EVERYTHING.

Anywho, I am late for class. Hope to hear from you again! : )

I did actually have the same kind of thoughts about the herbal anti-depressant. Actually, i'm not even sure if it is exactly herbal. It's called 5-HTP and has been recommended to me alot over the years, but I never wanted to take that or any other drug. It has some really good reviews and was even mentioned in a book I read about Aspergers. I'm not sure if it's working yet or not, i'll have to wait and see. I'll probably take it for a month or two and if that doesn't work, then perhaps go on proper anti-depressants. It's funny that mentioned about changing surrounding because i've actually moved around loads in my teenage years! I'm always looking forward to(and occasionally resenting) our moves because I like the thought of having a new start. The empty/depressed etc feelings I have do indeed seem to "pollute" the surroundings and gives everything a grey tone to it. But the moves haven't seemed to help much, in fact, sometimes I think the readjusting kind of disrupts any progress i've made. But i'm happy where I live now. Believe me, the whole moving around alot is a loooong story Haha I actually have thought of doing that Yes Man thing before! I don't know if i'm brave enough to do everything that comes my way though! I've actually made a list of things I think I might like to do(to varying degrees) so maybe i'll give them a go. I seem to have anhedonia(lack of enjoyment from things, which I guess goes without saying as I feel devoid of pretty much everything) so I keep doing things and giving things up so i'm still trying to find my niche in life I guess. Often times doing something that should be fun feels as though i'm staring at a blank wall!