Rants

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...i brought a water bottle today, it seems like i forgot to tighten the lid well or something before i left because when i got to school i noticed a big puddle...and my sketchbook, my smaller sketchbook with my road map and binder were sopping wet.

back roads, avenues and especially the highways were gone. i...
it was like a bad watercolor painting. i ended up throwing papers out but

..i had some plastic covers but i only used them on a couple.

....raaaa AAAAAAH ARGHHHH

I love the way he pushes up his glasses...But I hate the way he ignores me.
I love seeing his smile and hearing his laugh...But I hate knowing I will never be the cause.
I love listening to his French horn playing...But I hate knowing how much more talented he is than I am.
I love seeing his face...But I hate being reminded of how unappealing I am.

This is the kind of pain I love.

K, I'll give it a bash.

I hate the way my Father refuses to believe Autism/Asperger's is a real condition.
I hate when my Sister calls me a ret*d when she never finished High School.
I hate when I break out in blisters on my hands because my OCD drives me to wash my hands 200 times a day.
I hate that sometimes I want to kill myself, but I'm too much of a coward to try.
I hate when people who I thought were my friends find the last two things funny.
I that when I lash out at these people, I'm the one who is made to feel like the bad guy.

delete

GD medical insurance companies are of the devil, I'm telling you all!

Why does this stuff always happen to me? I'm working at the hotel, a guy wants to check in and he's cool, but the girl who drove him insists on being a problem--talking over me, swearing, complaining about the rules, threatening to cost me my job because I'm enforcing them--screw that. I don't get paid enough to put up with that. So I refused to check them in, and when they wouldn't leave I called the cops (with the manager's blessing) to escort them out.

Now of course they're going to complain and shout racial discrimination because our skin isn't the same color. What difference would it make if it was? I've got to get out of here. I can't take this job anymore.

EDIT: And the fire alarm went off. A false alarm, but still--a wonderful night.

Today I asked my grandpa if he could lend me some money for gas until Thursday when I get paid. He gave me his card for the Phillips 66 gas station and said I could get 10 dollars worth at the Phillips 66 gas station in town. I pulled into the gas station and every station was full. I patiently waited until someone left, started to pull forward, and then some jerk sped in from the road and cut me off, taking the station.

I waited for another person to leave and pulled into the station only to realize the gas tank to MY car (which I'd bought gas with numerous times) had the tank on the OTHER side. So I had to, in front of everybody, get back in, start the car, pull out, turn around, and pull back in.

It gets worse. I tried using the card 3 times only to have it tell me the card was invalid. Frustrated, I hit the button to speak to an attendant. When she came on, I explained in a slightly frustrated tone that I had tried to use this Phillips 66 card multiple times, and it was asking me if it was a debit card for some reason but giving me no option to say yes or no, then denying it. I was so confused.

"...Sorry, sweetie, you can't use that card here, it only works at the Phillips 66 gas station. That's behind us."
*Glances back and forth between gas station signs for a few seconds*
".......Oh. Um... thanks."

So I get back in the car, start it up, and drive up into the correct gas station. I get out and pick up the nozzle, and turn around to find that my gas tank is on the OTHER side. How... dang it. I get in, start it up, and turn around. I get out, get my gas, and FINALLY I am able to drive away. Something that should have taken 5 minutes or less took me over 25.

Then when I got out at my destination, the dog in the parked car next to me (which I was unaware of) jumped at the window and barked very loudly. I flinched back and threw my hands up, then just froze in that position for about 10 seconds, before finally regaining control of my limbs, and walking awkwardly inside, looking around and hoping that nobody saw. Fun day.

I wish my back would stop clicking and popping and aching!

Life's not worth it.

Too much pressure, and I can't find a release valve. I can't keep up. The rest of the world keeps lapping me effortlessly, and it's dizzying.

I'm not suicidal, but it flits across my mind unwillingly. I think it's a problem with perfectionism. If I'm not excelling..at anything or everything...then I'm nothing...


Rambling on...

tried to give my sister books i had spent hours picking out for her and had her okay but my cousin was there and his ridicule ensured that she's not going to read them. it occurred to me to check out the youtube history or a guy i had formerly dated. he said he hates puas but he's subscribed to one. cant trust anybody. my friends who's always there for me complains that my negative state transfers to him and im really scared that if i ever get too depressed in front of him he'll just stop talking to me. i think with the governments new changes anybody on centrelink will be cut off when they leave the country- i'll not be able to see my family or friends or engage in my culture for years or maybe ever. i think one of my friends has gotten to the point where we don't talk any more. badde enti7ir.

I F***ING HATE BEES, I F***ING HATE MY ATHEIST FATHER, AND I F***ING HATE STRUGGLING WITH MY INDECISIVENESS! I WISH ALL THESE THING WOULD JUST F***IING DISAPPEAR!

AAAAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !

My rant down from the memory lanes that I cannot block off. So yesy; goddamned long term memories. Stupid emotions; stupid attachments. It can't disappear from my mind and can't stop my heart from doing so. Wait no, only the mind; it's the hormones that is.
Just online friends topic for now; sure I have good times. But then as years passes, I'm damned left out! In terms of life especially. Despite all the friendships along with them for all those years, it's thrown to nothing!! ! XD I always assume that they will forget me in time. That they will cut me off when they remember me. I don't wanna bother their busy lives from my stupid questioning. My goddamned indecisiveness and my reluctance indeed. But it's alright, if they come back to me, they can ask me questions later; to do so recall every of these past moments.
Ahh, memories of past internet life. You're almost pleasing at my worst moments at age 13-15. But then again, not everything is perfect of course. Like real life, it's harsh. xD There's this one particular game that I barely play solo at; this online game is kinda more social like setting than most online games I played. It was where I kinda had starting to learn about the internet at age of 13. It's also one of my first.
My very first friend on that particular online game? First he told me not to please people and let them me. I understand and he do notice I'm working hard. Then he goddamned criticize me! And calling me a huge fail when it never has something to do with me! What the crap is he pulling??? XD Being a leader? Does he even goddamned know how hard it is? LOL I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW I END UP BEING A LEADER TO BEGIN WITH anyway... Oh wait, nevermind, he doesn't truly care what I feel. I forgive him, but that never changes the fact that he hurt my feelings. It doesn't matter if he didn't knew he had hurt me anyway. Even I still look him up as another brother... My VERY FIRST but then... How can I goddamned move on? I can't 'forget'. Tsky.
His bestie... Ah, my favorite big brother. Can he not be at least be clear if he wants to talk to me or not?? Because if so, he'll just blame me for forgetting him! c.c Despite knowing him for 3 years he still couldn't grasp I'm not able to forget most people I encountered for all those times? If he forgets me, fine. It's better that way so he can get a life like he wanted. Fine if he throws me away like some old doll and replace me with someone else; it's better for him. But I'm glad that 'my replacement' is also my friend; whom I trust more next to himself.
Another of their bestie... Ah this one is tricky. I respect him the highest amongst all 7 brothers. He's the original leader. He's the founder... If my vocab is too high for him, c.c why wont he tell me straight to my face instead of ranting me and my other friend being 'arrogant'?? This is why I never told him my case after my other friend told hers! Sure he can't understand big words, but does he realized that I'm frustrated for all those years of not understand adult jokes that everyone's insisting laughing at? He ask me a question, I gave him all my answers. But when I ask him a question, he refuse to give me a straight answer. Was that fair? Am'I not "mature" enough to understand? This is how I lost respect to most perverts; they annoy me because I still couldn't understand them until now. Despite reading so many searches, I couldn't appreciate them like everyone else could. I don't envy them, they simply annoy me because not just online; but in the real world too especially those years ago! Not just online but at school, at home, in the streets, my sister's if not my relative's. I'm still annoyed; why can't they give me a straight answer!! ! And why does he envy ME anyway? He has a chance in life, and already HAVE that chance; I almost don't. He never realized he won from the start in this argument of mind of his. Just because he never finished high school, forced to be an illegal immigrant at age of 17, and I'm on college level with a mind of a 20+ year old; doesn't mean I have more chances in life than his. I wont insult his intellect or him being slow at certain things or his academic achievements or heck his temper; but I don't like him being so ignorant. But aside from that, I really wish he would stop being drunk. He may not bother me when being drunk, but he does to others.
And lastly, this lady; who is a lesbian and a complete pervert. Seriously, she turned into a complete ass after that breakup from that man who promised her to live with her in real life. I understand the disappointment and the harsh reality she faced. Even tho I don't understand the concept of heartbreak; but PLEASE can't she get any 'hint' O.o that I had enough with the pervert topics? Same at the previous person I rant about. And if she were trying to seduce me (my friends point out) then sorry 'maam' I'm not interested. Period. But nopes! And what the crap does she mean by 'your innocence is tempting'? Another vague statement? She's annoying. Just annoying. She's been doing so for the last 2 years. Surely I know her past; the past that no one must know; because she told me everything. Yet she's not even grateful that I didn't even said a thing about that part of hers? Regardless, she'll deny it. But in anyway, I don't like her.

That's all for now~

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