Back to being in crisis

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We had court today. The judge decided that if I'm going to pick up or drop off the kids, it needs to be in a public place, not our driveway.

I said that was fine, but I wanted my vehicle and my debit card, which everyone seemed to think was reasonable, except of course my husband.

Tonight, we had this conversation online:

*** Message (#1) from HIM at 21:09 ***
>I will be applying for child support next week.

--- Message (#2) from ME at 21:14 ---
-Part of the reason I wanted my debit card was so I could show receipts for
-anything I bought for the kids, bills paid, etc.

*** Message (#3) from HIM at 21:15 ***
>And the reason you wanted the van was to screw us.

--- Message (#4) from ME at 21:16 ---
-Oh, and there is no way in hell that I'm going to fork over any more money to
-buy you smokes. If by some horrible gross injustice I end up court-ordered to
-support the kids financially while you sit on your ass and jerk off to
-internet porn, I'll be willing to pay bills directly or buy things for the
-kids, but my money is not going to pay for your crap.

*** Message (#5) from HIM at 21:17 ***
>You're not protecting yourself, your hurting the kids.

--- Message (#6) from ME at 21:17 ---
-Oh, and the reason I wanted the van was to inconvience you. The kids won't
-mind walking to the library.
-You are hurting the kids!! !! !! !! !

*** Message (#7) from HIM at 21:18 ***
>Fine, there is already precidence for me to have custody, with a divorce, that
>will be used against you.

*** Message (#8) from HIM at 21:18 ***
>Well, you want to be inconvenienced? I have a second signature for your court
>ordered commitment.

--- Message (#9) from ME at 21:19 ---
-you are doing the emotional equivalent of putting out cigarettes on them.
-Hell, the reason you don't is it leaves marks.
-Plus, you get disturbed when Lucy runs around naked because it turns you on.

*** Message (#10) from HIM at 21:19 ***
>BS. you are sick.

--- Message (#11) from ME at 21:19 ---
-oh, who? You and your mom?

*** Message (#12) from HIM at 21:19 ***
>Nope.

*** Message (#13) from HIM at 21:20 ***
>We were getting along fine until this morning. you're just pissed that you
>have to remain out of here until 6/6.


--- Message (#14) from ME at 21:20 ---
-Yeah, go right ahead and try it.
-Go for it! Seriously! I don't care whose dick you are sucking to try to get me
-committed, it's not going to work.


*** Message (#15) from HIM at 21:20 ***
>Sure it is. I have plenty of witnesses to your psychotic behaviour.


*** Message (#16) from HIM at 21:21 ***
>Including DHS.

--- Message (#17) from ME at 21:21 ---
-No, we were getting along crappily yesterday because you got a bug up your ass
-about Elfling.
-Then we were getting along crappily today because you had to make a huge fuss
-instead of just OPENING A f*****g WINDOW.

--- Message (#18) from ME at 21:23 ---
-Go for it. Try your best.
-Oh, and whatever you do, I am going to keep records, and even if you manage to
-get me locked up, how long is it before Vlad will be old enough to do google
-searches and find out exactly what happened?


*** Message (#19) from HIM at 21:24 ***
>And before you make anymore threats, keep in mind that all of your fabric is
>still in the closet, and your mother's coats are here. I won't touch them, but
>just keep that in mind.

*** Message (#20) from HIM at 21:25 ***
>And it wasa you that got the bug up your ass, since I decided to f**k with Lea
>Ann for being a backstabbing twat.


*** Message (#21) from HIM at 21:26 ***
>And it was you that has blown every single trivial problem out of proportion,
>that brought us to this situation.


Now, he's talking to me on internet phone which I hate because I can't go back and figure out what he said and I don't have time to think. He still won't say who the supposed second signature is, he likes to try to make me think there are tons of people who hate me and want to stab me in the back. He's trying to convince me I'm flipping out over nothing, and that it's in the kids best interest to give him my car and my money, and that I'm a psycho b***h for trying to look out for my own best interests.

hi, hmm, how about recording what he is saying?

Both of you seem pretty out of line. I mean, there's no law that says you have to like each other or forgive each other for infidelity, but you should at least try to be civil to each other for the sake of your kids.

I couldn't care less if he managed to find a girlfriend. Monogamy wasn't even in our wedding vows. I do care that he's managed to manipulate the situation so I can't see the kids everyday, and that he's threatening to get me locked up in a nut ward because I won't give him my money and my car. I'm trying to be civil to him, but he's making threats against me that are scaring the crap out of me. If he hadn't already managed to get CPS to force me to go stay at a friend's house and leave the kids with him, I wouldn't be so terrified that he'll manage to manipulate things so he can legally take anything he wants from me and control me like a puppet.

We had been getting along okay for a week or so, because I just didn't say anything when he did something that annoyed me, and just instantly apologized if he was upset with me, no matter how much I disagreed with him. In order to have a civil relationship, he has to be in complete control.

Wow. That was disturbing.
I'm hoping for the best.

He's probably a total a**hole and you're probably right. I'm just saying that if I were a cop or a judge and had to decide who was sane/insane, I'd think you were both completely insane. So where you're keeping track of your conversations, I'd be careful about insulting one another tit for tat like that.

I've cut off all contact with him for now. I'm ignoring his IMs, and I de-friended him on LJ, and I've disabled him elsewhere online. I think it'll be easier for me to get my head together if I don't have to deal with his taunts and mindgames. When I told him that I wasn't willing to talk to him if he was going to act like that, he responded with more threats.

My major worry now if how he's treating our little boy. He's always good to our (NT) daughter, but when our 4 year old has meltdowns, my husband usually responds by mocking him, saying he's stupid, a f**ktard, etc. He tends to come to me for comfort, and I've gotten pretty good at soothing him: it usually helps to hide under the table and look at pictures of trilobites, for example.

Tonight, I dropped off some pull-ups, just left them at the door, didn't have to see him. It was bedtime, and after the kids were in bed, I went to their window. My little boy was so happy to see me, and I told him I loved him. I just wanted to make sure he knew I hadn't abandoned him, no matter what his daddy is saying or doing.

Good for you! Aside from the necessary minimal contact that you have when exchanging the kids, I'd probably say that anything you need to say to one another should be said through your lawyers or in front of the judge. Otherwise you're just making yourselves miserable and creating unnecessary evidence.

Well, he's back to being cooperative and trying to make things work. I took him out job-hunting today.

I've been staying relatively emotionally blank through much of this. If he's being nice, I'm nice back. If he gets upset, I end communication for the day. I'm trying to avoid letting him get me upset, and I've found it very easy to stay emotionally neutral when I'm not around him. I've had more energy for creative pursuits, and I'm thinking about getting back to drawing soon.

Meanwhile, our son has been getting more aggressive/self-harming at school since I had to move out, which I see as a sign that it's in the kids' best interest for me to return home, so I should be as cooperative as possible. I just want to do what's best for the kids.

I'm glad that things are getting back to more or less status quo.

If your son is self harming, maybe you should look into some kind of therapy. There's no need for you to put yourself in an abusive situation if it's always like that IM conversation. It seems like pretty black and white thinking to either be in the relationship and having your son be OK OR not being in the relationship and having your son self-harm. There has to be some in-between; maybe therapy can help you achieve that.

Whoa! He's without work? I suspect
that I'm seeing what may be a
major instigation in all of this.
Yeah, there are some bad
feelings between the two
of you, and maybe things
have gone too far to heal,
but at least understand
that some people take
on their worst side
when things are
going rough
elsewhere.