Attempting to contact a girl from the past: Bad idea?

Post Reply New Topic

I understand where you are coming from.

Your life so far has consisted mostly of avoiding painful experiences, and hence the lack of experience and social calibration. So you are trying to get more calibrated by doing, since the vast majority of your life was spent inside your head just analysing and obsessing about many things but never daring to try something in the real world.

I did something similar. I have approached certain girls sometimes to simply gain a better understanding of how NT women actually operate. Because at some point I just got tired of reading stuff. In order to really know how they function, I just had to immerse myself in many bold attempts. Consequently, I also experienced some awkward rejections, which in hindsight I should have known in advance. But that is the point exactly. Without directly experiencing these things, I DIDN'T KNOW. I only gained the understanding after trying and failing.

Mind you it hasn't been just failures. I have also found out that certain very unorthodox approaches can work. For instance I was once waiting on a train station and decided to sit next to this young girl. I didn't sit very close to her but nevertheless on the same bench. Then I started taking glances at her and she glanced back. Soon I just started smiling at her, and she responded with a smile. This continued for awhile. Then the train came, and I followed her and sat closeby to her.

For a moment I thought, is she creeped out that I followed her? But I decided to simply let that emotion pass over. Next thing I know I'm making eye contact with her again. She looks back and then away. We both smile. Clearly there is sexual tension between us. I hadn't said a word to this girl, and we were complete strangers to each other. It was almost midnight, and we were all alone in the carriage. So she would have had all the reasons to feel scared or creeped out. But she didn't. Apparently I made her feel safe, and thus she could feel attracted to me.

Eventually I asked her name in order to contact her on Facebook, and she promptly answered. Soon the train arrived, and we departed our ways. The next day she accepted my friend request. Then I found out that she is 15 years old, so I didn't pursue her any further (age of consent is 16 here). Granted her youth and inexperience probably made her more open, because she hasn't yet learned to control her arousal/attraction signals. This would have been a lot harder to pull off with a 25 year-old for example.

The morale of the story is that sometimes you just don't know what works until you have tried it. And we aspies seem to have an obsessive need to find out directly ourselves through trial and error. Like some people learn to repair cars by dismantling the engine in little pieces and then putting it all back together. The same with social skills. First you make some big mistakes, but soon you learn to avoid them, and mistakes keep becoming smaller and smaller. Slowly you are crawling towards a better understanding of the social world.

Right now I have come to the conclusion that the main thing hurting me in dating sense, is that I have no social circle. Therefore, I don't have the chance to meet girls in environments where they already trust me (because being a friend of a friend makes you trustworthy). Approaching and befriending random girls is indeed possible, but much harder than meeting new girls through a social circle. Of course the reason I don't have a social circle is asperger's related (mainly how tiring and demotivating maintaining social relationships is).

Went off on a tangent there. Oh well, might be useful for the OP.

Wow, man, that calmed me quite a bit. That seems to reach at much of where I'm coming from. But, do you think, then, that it wouldn't be the end of the world if I overstepped some, here? Still, would asking about things like her parents (or really, what they thought about me if she heard from them), or asking about whether she ever considered checking out my page, be too much? I mean, I'd still like to know, perhaps, from someone who's had experience. What does it seem like I'm entering here, the area of failure or success? I'm feeling all over the place with this. And, considering that she is "friends" with quite a few of the other people I have in my circle on Facebook, I wouldn't want negative word to cascade out to all of them. It actually occurred to me to perhaps message that one old friend on Facebook from our school days (who's also "friends" with her) and just get him up to speed on where I'm at, where I've been trying to go with her. I'd like to see if maybe he knows some more about what's been going on with her over the years and what she might be thinking about me, in particular. I would have to assume he would know more about her than me, though he might not. I could take a chance on that. And I really don't think he'd mention anything about me asking about her if I didn't want him to, as he's been quite friendly towards me, already, on Facebook.

But, now that I see some of you here have had similar experiences and may also be on Facebook, could I possibly inquire again, as to whether some of you would like to check out my page? You know, for getting an idea about my mindset from my posts and musings. Maybe you could advise me to tone down some things or amp up other things, to attract more positive attention. I'd, certainly like to have the possibility to get more "friends" from on the spectrum, regardless. Maybe on one of the Autism communities on Facebook that some of you might already be on, you can communicate, ambiguously, that you heard a request from someone on another internet site that they were looking for someone to "friend". Or I could just give out information here, perhaps? I'd just like a more real time back and forth with people who can be made privy to greater personal information about me (and me, them). Thanks.

Yes, you're nuts. Just let it go. Though "just let it go" does feel insulting to me most of the time. Did you even ever really know her? Probably not.

Dude, I don't really know anyone (not even people I thought I was supposed to). How exactly am I supposed to change that? I have people I have a greater need to try to know, and others I have a desire to keep myself from knowing. Oh, and thanks for the kind words. I guess you're not one of those here who I was wondering would like to "friend" me on Facebook. Again, something strange is going on here (I mean all around, not just with her and me (perhaps not even between us at all)). And I need to find out where this sensation is coming from. No, it's not in my head (that would be easy, seriously), but the amount she has to do with it might be less than I presume. I have to find out.

Okay, it's going on nine days without me responding with any questions (or there being any response from her, either). I'm starting to think from the way I left the last message, I might seem a little rude to drag this on so long without asking the questions I said I would. She definitely tried to give the impression that she was patient enough to deal with my continued inquiry. But, I don't want to start testing that patience by dragging this on with long respites in between messages. I'm thinking of just messaging to say that I didn't mean to give the impression that I was intending to ask anything at any particular time, but just in general, or even that I might be taking this "friend" status too literally and just back down all together. One or the other. Just to clear the air. I also want to be able to gauge what her mood towards me is from a simple response without venturing into any personal subjects just yet. I shouldn't just keep her hanging (assuming she is) though, should I?

And what is it with this emphasis on whether I "knew" her or not? I didn't "know" anyone (except two or three people) back in those days. Yet I've already "friended" many others whom I didn't know any better than her. Now, I guess this is because the Facebook terminology (of "friend") is not nearly as serious as the real world terminology (which I'm already beginning to suspect is the case), but I don't see why this mild attempt at reaching out is totally out of bounds on this medium. Why could this not be an opportunity to make up for some lost time, if she's not completely revolted by my actions as of yet? This may just be a strange dilemma of the Facebook culture in general, when I think about it. But, still, it's not exactly like the traditional definition of "stalking", from my point of view.

Oh, and TornadoEvil, you're right, "just let it go" does seem somewhat insulting. It, quite frankly (to me, anyway) seems almost anti-intellectual, anti-knowledge, and exploration. It certainly seems opposed to the spirit of Richard Feynman's "pleasure of finding things out". The ultimate expression of my curiosity here. You're pretty much (though, with just a touch of exaggeration) telling me to go back into my shell, as it were. But, let me guess why you don't find it insulting in this particular case. Perhaps because it isn't you who's on the receiving end this time?

Anyway, as I said, I feel there is something I have to find out at some point. I don't know if I can even perceive what it is. It just seems like it's in this general direction. Hope it's not horrible. Though, I guess I have to leave that as a possibility.

Hey, dude, I think you've misread her response here. I have done very similar things. If you have been sending her great, long messages since befriending her on FB and because you have asked her if you can ask her some questions, she is probably avoiding you or busy with other things important to her, not eagerly anticipating your further contacts. There is this thing where you can get your thoughts and feelings mixed up with other people's and think they are thinking the same thing you are when in reality they aren't at all. Looking in from the outside, I think she is probably alarmed by you. Don't ask her if she is, though. That reveals your concern for her too much and she will probably lie and say she isn't just to be polite or to spare your feelings but be even more "weirded out". I see her as not responding because she is uncomfortable or thinks you are obsessed with her/overly interested in her.

There is an emphasis on whether or not you really knew her, not for your sake or from your point-of-view but from hers. You might feel like you knew her very well because you attached to her, but she likely did not attach to you. So, given your perhaps limited social contact with her, like having an actual relationship outside just the perfunctory greetings and niceties of being in class together (which I am assuming wasn't much as you were a lot younger and probably had more trouble with the whole social scene), she doesn't share your sense of familiarity. People rely on personal interaction to understand another, not written interaction. There is this thing where people don't know what to do with another person when most of the interaction is through writing. They don't know what to do with you and it is "foreign" to them. I am trying to explain this but having trouble getting it across. The point is that you don't have any qualms about contacting her and being very open and comfortable but she does not know you as you know yourself. She doesn't have that prior "connection" to you as you did to her so to her it is weird and creepy to have someone who is essentially a stranger to be so, so interested in her.

I think you should allow this "communication silence" to continue, however painful it may be for you. She is very likely not hanging on for your questions or messages and is not seeing it as rude that you have not asked them yet. I think you might be concerned about lying here. Like you told her you'd be asking her questions, assumed she wanted you to ask her questions, and now are concerned you will be perceived as lying if you don't or if you wait "too long." There is actually no such thing as "too long" in this case; that sense of urgency comes only from your own anxiety or eagerness and has nothing to do with social rules/expectations and nothing to do with her desires or intentions.

And remember that FB "friendships" are not "real" friendships. They are basically just very shallow and casual interactions to share news and information, especially between yourself and people you don't see regularly or don't interact with regularly outside of work, etc.

Yes, I think I understand what you're getting at. Which is why I'm not necessarily taking my long pause as a reason to start up communicating just yet. I was actually trying to be very cautious here, for a similar reason to what you mentioned. That's actually why I took such a pause, to begin with. But, I did still assume that going so far as to make a suggestion for a rather more serious inquiry with her was certainly a reason to develop some kind of consistency with my behavior. After all, she wasn't creeped out by my first message that I sent that first day of our "friendship". I figured that if that wasn't the case when I so abruptly messaged her then, then there was at least a possibility that she isn't creeped out still. That was part of my intent to figure out. Though, I'm aware I could easily wait to see if she would eventually inquire, herself, as to what I might be trying to get at, before I consider anything more.

Now, I did initially take her speed to accept my request as a sign that she was, at the very least, not averse to having an occasional back and forth, in some regard. But, since a few others have accepted my requests about as fast as she did (who didn't necessarily know me any better) I did adapt that view, slightly. Though, considering that I've already messaged a few others (who were at varying levels of real world friendship with me), I didn't have a legitimate reason to suddenly back off with her, almost as if I was allergic or something. I was just as concerned that that would send a strange signal of suspicion, right there. I've seen signs of developing I mild rapport with one or two others who she's also "friends" with (and who can, thus, possibly communicate some of my other behavior to her). And just treating her, in the long run, differently than them could potentially (at some point) look peculiar. Especially when I already made it clear she was my first attempt at "friending" outside my family (with a rather direct insinuation that it was due to a particular level of kindness that I remembered of her more than most other people). Yes, some signs indicate that she may very well simply enjoy accepting requests from any people who ask her (like a "friend collector", perhaps). But, her immediate eagerness to respond and let me know that she remembered me did not seem like a sign that she was willing to treat me like some minor useful appendage for her circle of "friends". And considering that, if she really remembers me from those interactions we had, she already recalls there was a decidedly, shall we say, nontraditional aspect to the vast majority of those interactions. And thus, an easy indicator of what type of demeanor she can expect in relation to me, already. That is, of course, if she wasn't lying about remembering me. I actually did get a hint that it may be the fact that she does remember certain things the way I do, that gave her the impulse to mention the importance of her family and the business like way she approaches some inquiries. Like she may have actually expected that I was the one who didn't remember, and I was coming from a different angle here (which is what made me start to suspect that her parents hadn't informed her of my previous encounter with them by her old house). Unless I'm projecting even more, It was like she was actually anticipating that I was going to ask her if she remembered more specific characteristics of our old interactions. That almost scared me more, if that means there's going to be a deliberate barrier between certain areas I can go because her memories already clue her in to a direction that I might eventually approach. I thought that that, very well, could be the reason that she mentioned she might not choose to respond to some of my questions before I even ventured to ask.

Either way, it didn't seem as though she hadn't put any thought into my question and might easily forget it later on. It seemed like she was beginning to get an idea of where I might go (even if I might never go there in reality). This seemed like a behavior she would consider noteworthy to remember me doing...especially if I "like" or comment on things she has posted (which I occasionally have, though less so now). I'm still wondering about the question of her parents and me. And I just don't want to be perpetually quiet when I went to the trouble to "friend" her (and make it partially clear as to why) and she went to the trouble to acknowledge my reason (after that way I informed her of it). I don't want to look like I backed off because of a strange shift in the mood unless she makes that clear, in which case I would probably have to request that she "unfriend" me, if anything. But not if that's not the case. Though, I am more confident that leaving more time might not hurt as much as I thought.

Oh, well. It appears she has just "unfriended" me. Unfortunate, as I haven't been "unfriended" by too many (though enough for me to comment on them on my page). It even seemed to be going relatively well, with some mild banter every now and then (unless I mistook it, of course). I'm feeling a tad disturbed. Almost like I might want to ditch this Facebook thing and my upper double digit number of "friends" (even as I make jokes about accumulating such a number so quickly to them). I might get into some of what I think may have happened (or maybe not). But, never the less, I feel I may be losing a lot of my motivation to do anything socially, now. Which is what I was afraid of if this kind of thing happened. Damn.