upon reflection, I was being mean

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A while back, I wrote some posts about how I was neglected in my childhood, and I said some mean things about my mom. Upon reflection, that was totally out of line.

I don't think it's fair to say my mom was a bad mom who never cared; I think she was just in a situation that made dealing with a child as messed up as I was (am) impossible. My siblings had issues, too. She had a lot on her plate.

Since I can't edit or delete those posts, I just wanted to clear the air.

Thanks.

*Edited for increased niceness.

Last edited by AmethystRose on 17 Oct 2014, 11:01 pm, edited 3 times in total.

I forgive you.
You're fine.
It's very normal to say things and learn/think later. It doesn't even mean you were wrong in the first place, but at least you cleared the air. =)

We still like you. =)

you're the bom

I have this problem where I either blame my mom for walking out on us as a result of her being a terrible parent who didn't want to deal with her autistic child, or I blame myself because I was unmanageable and a real pain to be around at that age. But at the end of the day, I'm a terrible person either way.

No. No no no no no.

You're not a terrible person either way. Autistic children are only "a real pain to be around" when they're being jerked around in life by people who don't understand the disorder and are disrespectful of that child's actual, real special needs.

People sometimes think "special needs" is an insult, but it's not. It's just a description, and it's a really vague description, at that.

Thanks. I like you, too.

^^^
then lets all party

I can't. It's almost bed time.

maybe tomorrow then

Maybe tomorrow.

But maybe not.

I think I will be taking a break from this site, so I may or may not be back tomorrow.

I'm starting to feel crazy from all of this talking about myself.

I know I can come to this site and just not talk about myself, but now that crazy feeling is kind of permeating the whole website for me. I've been feeling loopy for a really long time, now. I think that loopiness shows in my activity on this site.

I've been going through some really rough times, but I think I might be coming out of it.

So I'm going to go to bed now, and I may or may not be back tomorrow.

BTW, I've been thinking about it more and talking to my dad about the malleability of memories and how state of mind reflects on recall, and I don't think my mother neglected me. I think she really did do her best, and I was just too trapped in my own world of sensory overload to see it. She was in her own world of overload, too.

I've realized that she really did a lot. She just did a lot of the wrong things and she did them meanly. She just didn't understand my condition -- but neither did I.

She's been insensitive, not neglectful. I think insensitivity normal for moms. It happens.

I'm really trying to move on.

god [or the universe] bless

OP here. I'm back, and the loopy feeling is gone.

When I wrote the text quoted above, I had not yet realized that my mother is a gaslighter, and I didn't really understand what gaslighting is. I hadn't realized that my father, who started dating my mother when they were sophomores in high school, suffered through so many years of her emotional and psychological abuse (including but not limited to gaslighting) that his understanding of just how malleable memories are is simply not realistic. He hasn't processed her abuse yet, even 15 years after their separation.

I understand their fights better now, and I don't believe Mom's stories about the violence she claims he inflicted on her behind closed doors.

I trust my memories again. I recognize that not every detail of my memories is perfect and that I don't remember everything, but I trust the core of what I do remember.

I came back to say this because there's a lot of confusion about what gaslighting is, and it's something we all need to be on the lookout for in our close relationships -- not just in romantic relationships, where I normally hear about it, but in family relationships, work relationships and friendships as well.

Gaslighting is a form of psychological abuse and is a method of brainwashing.

Gaslighting is done intentionally.

Gaslighting means systematically making someone question their own memories and perceptions by outright lying about what happened in the past or even about what is happening now, in the present. To do this, gaslighters sometimes use tricks like moving objects around the house (or office, etc.) and telling the victim that they (the victim) moved the objects themselves or that the objects were never moved at all. Sometimes, though, gaslighting is as simple as repeatedly telling the gaslightee that they "don't remember" things which they DO remember or that they misunderstand things they understand just fine; the gaslighter will then "correct" those memories and "misunderstandings."

The goal of gaslighting is to make the gaslightee believe that they cannot trust themselves or their own memories, so that they will rely on their gaslighter (who is typically someone the gaslightee loves or respects) to tell them what is real and true.

Gaslighting is a favorite tool of people with narcissistic personality disorder, who use it to cover up past abuses and embarrassing mistakes that, if revealed, would damage the narcissist's image... An image which must always remain perfect.

Gaslighting stops abuse victims from speaking out against their abusers and from getting help, by making the victims question whether any abuse really happened and by making them think no one would believe them, anyway.

In the most extreme cases of gaslighting, the gaslighter leads their victim to believe that they have literally gone insane. This ensures total control over the now hysterical victim, and ensures that no one will ever believe a word the victim says (which, for many gaslighters, is the REAL and ultimate goal -- to discredit the victim). As an added bonus, now the gaslighter can offer to care for their "insane" child/parent/spouse/sibling/etc., making themselves out to be amazingly charitable and a wonderful person, while continuing their abusive games.

Even in its milder forms, this type of psychological abuse has far-reaching consequences -- ESPECIALLY in parent/child relationships.

Equip yourself with knowledge!

Trust yourself.

Get help.

. . . Then move on. A person who does this to you does not love you, no matter how hard they swear they do. A person who does this to you will continue to hurt you if you let them, no matter how nice they sometimes seem. A person who does this to you can never be trusted.

Be careful about confronting someone you think is gaslighting you. You will never talk a gaslighter into admitting that they lied or that they ever did anything to wrong you. It's just not gonna happen.

Once they know you're on to them, they'll go into a round of serious hoovering -- "hoover" like a vacuum, to suck you back in. Be ready. Don't be fooled.

Good news Its nice to read that you are in a better place and thanks for sharing that description of gaslighting.

Thank you and you're welcome.

I'm glad your epiphany has given you a stronger grasp on reality. May your journey through this experience continue to sail upon the winds of your new found knowledge.