Rants

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I'm feeling disliked by and alienated from a nicer sort of people that I was 5 years ago.

I am deathly scared of the Ebola virus more than ever. Why did that nurse from Texas have to travel to Ohio when she had the virus in her? I mean, couldn't her family also have lived in Texas, FFS? If I ever hear one Ebola case contracted in Ohio, I will melt down, because I am scared either I or my fiancé (or both of us) will catch the disease, and possibly die from it.

My fiancé's sister is considering becoming a nurse and leaving her job at Target. Well, I wish she would stay there, because I know she has to work with patients, meaning that she may bring home viruses, and I fear that Ebola may be one of them. She already brought home plenty of viruses home with her picking her child up from day care.

I already had too many good things happen to me in the past two years, and I may have it all taken away from me by f***ing Ebola. I wish it was possible for me and my fiancé to take our cats and a lifetime supply of food, water, and oxygen, and fly to f***ing Mars, so I don't have to worry about disease there.

went to go to the doctor to get a medical certificate for centrelink so i can go part time. this process has been stressful. the doctor, when filling out my certificate, said my current depression was caused by an unhelpful relationship that triggered previous rape trauma. she called the casual sexual relationship where the guy was raping me and pressuring me to do stuff i didn't want to an "unhelpful" relationship. it made me want to cry. it wasn't unhelpful, it was sexually abusive. like she didnt think it was serious.
and she told me i should be on medication. i feel like im not doing everything i should be when people say that and they want to pressure me to be on drugs.
then she put a limit on my certificate of 4 months. basically from the end of this term to the beginning of next term(a period of time i dont have uni anyway). she said it was because she hoped i would be better by then. i almost broke down. i've been depressed on and off since primary school and this bout has been developing over 2 years. i have ptsd and anxiety from being raped, assaulted and harassed more than a little bit for 2 years in a serious way. i'm not going to be okay in 4 months. i haven't been for years. she didn't mention my ptsd or anxiety on the certificate either. it just made me feel worthless and like s**t. like i know i cant but i feel like im such a failure. a weak, pathetic failure. a baby, a sook, a liar. i cant do it. 4 months? how can i fix everything in 4 months? ive been trying for 2 years. and now i have the stress of knowing i have to go through this stressful process again before uni. wondering if my pay is going to be cut, if i will be forced to stay full time and fail, wondering if i will be accepted to go part time. i'm so useless. f**k this all.

I would give anything, everything to go back in time and not be born with autism. I'd happily empty my savings to buy a cure for autism; I'd give anything, everything to be rid of this curse. I feel everyday as if everything terrible that's happened to me, every loved one I made cry, every person I frustrated, everyone who abandoned me because of my quirks, all of this would have never of happened had I been born neurotypical. I could have gone to college, I could of won over several different women, I could be successful, happy, still surrounded by old friends and family, instead, I'm miserable as f**k, still awkward, still not learning from my mistakes, still instead doing things that drive me backwards such as getting drunk at 5am and ranting about how I hate myself on the internet. All of this I feel could be prevented if I was born normal, I'd be happy, in love, surrounded by friends and family with a promising career, instead, I'm a huge autistic anti-social f**k up who hates the world.

Sorry if this triggers anyone.. this is "rants" after all

my [medical] insurance company is being a [medical] insurance company.

I had a bad dream just before waking up. Nothing supernatural or exciting, either, just being in a house where domestic violence was happening in the next room. It made me start thinking about my childhood friends who had to go through that, along with having their own bones broken. I feel furious at the community for allowing that to continue for years, especially the doctor we all had. He certainly knew, and I think he had a responsibility to intervene. My parents knew the family, and I can't understand how they missed the signs. I remember thinking some of their stories about how the kids got injured made no sense.

lumbar traction devices cost too GD much.

Have had a rough weekend with lots of crying

Here is to a better week?

I want to be in heaven.

It's awful feeling to see your crush cry and not be able to do anything about it.

There's an intermittent bleep when I brake and a light flashes on. It's happening more than before and it might be nothing but some stupid piece of electronics going up the creek. And now I'm gonna have to take it to a dealership that has the computer diagnostics to tell me I will need to replace a bit and the prob is that I don't trust NO Belgian tradesperson anymore after the experiences of the last 6 years coz they all seem to have the attitude that they know everything because they got the diplomas but I yet have to meet a Belgian trades person of any description that is worth the hourly rate they charge.

It feels like I'm losing interest in everything I find enjoyable and it's creeping me the f**k out. My ear is also hurting.

wish I could afford a traction table for my sciatica.

I stupidly got into a pointless argument with somebody else in the forums on another website I often frequent. Normally it wouldn't have bothered me, but he was being very rude to me and insulted my intelligence. To give the censored/nicer versions of what he said, he called me a "freaking ret*d" multiple times and after I decided to block him he called me a c**t. Again, the language he used towards me was very strong. He also told me that there's apparently an entire thread about how I'm a complete ret*d and knowing that people apparently think that I'm completely stupid rather than consider the idea that I may be ignorant about things, which admittedly more the case. I know I should have ignored h from the start, but I learned from my mom that when people insult you at all then you should stand up for yourself. And it's a lot easier for me to do that online than it is for me IRL.

With all honesty the bastard's lucky I didn't report him like I probably should have.

I F***ING HATE MY TEETH, I HATE HOW UGLY THEY LOOK, AND I HATE THE FACT THAT ONE OF THEM IS IN MILD PAIN!! ! I ALSO HATE THE DENTIST'S RECEPTIONIST FOR GIVING ME AN APPOINTMENT AT THE END OF THIS YEAR! I CAN'T F***ING WAIT THAT LONG, AND I CAN'T F***ING AFFORD TO HAVE FALSE TEETH AT MY AGE, EITHER!! !