19 Nov 2014, 10:34 pm
I'm feeling depressed today : I have come along way disciplining myself and acting less weird with people than before, of course the Straterra I take has been a godsend and I don't even believe in god : 
. My ADD exacerbates my autistic tendencies, I don't think about what I am saying and I blurt it out but with meds I either don't say it or don't have the thought at all. I have also learned to be less awkward with people but I still haven't mastered it yet but I learned a lot of hard lessons bumping from job to job, finally getting one that is really great for me but I still fear losing it because of my occasional incompetence.
Everyday now I meditate on the day before to do better in the future. But meditating and reflecting on recent events that are still real and fresh sometimes brings me farther back into the old and unchangeable past my mind has hidden from my daily and distracted consciousness.
I'm older and a college graduate without any debt and I don't want to take the risk to go back and fall into debt like every other student. I was really really lucky I got a free ride. But now I think, if I had only had this medication sooner, If I were more reflective, less rebellious and full angry energy, I could have learned those lessons earlier and avoided the serious mistakes I made and I wouldn't be where I am. I feel things would have been different.; I could have gone to a better out of state university, maybe would have some friends and maybe be a little happier, less worried about life and less afraid of the world itself.
Last edited by Mitrovah on 19 Nov 2014, 11:43 pm, edited 3 times in total.
19 Nov 2014, 10:55 pm
i think it's natural to lament about the past. thinking "if only"s and whatnot. but ultimately i think they are useless as we cannot redo the past, and worrying about it all the time will only negatively impact your present. but you already know that and anyways, it sounds like you have accomplished a lot! i would be very proud if i were you. also it says you are 26, that's still really young!! and you have already done so much. i think that's good. i hope in 4 years i have done as much as you.
i dont think posting this is an egotistical act, it is good to share your feelings, especially if you are feeling down. i think a lot of us at WP can understand your wish of being raised by a more stable family. that's something i still get angry about. anyway, as you can see i dont have any good advice or anything but i just wanted to say hang in there! 
