Warning, a vomit of life info is about to be spewed from my keyboard onto this forum. Please read carefully and relate to what I'm going through.
I'm an 18 year old male and feel as if I was born defective, to the point where I'm afraid of having a children with similar issues. I was diagnosed with PDDNoS and high functioning autism at age 6. I also was held back from kindergarten until I reached 6. During my first years of primary education I had difficulty pronouncing certain words (such as saying muskit instead of music, or car gawsh instead of car wash). It took me until the second grade to be able to count from 1-100. The friends I had then were just bullies that being deceptually nice. I once got pinned to a bathroom wall for socializing with this kids sister in third grade. I had been in resource from kindergarten to 6th grade. So basically my whole life I have been 4 years behind, yet to this day people still lie and call me smart!
When I was little my parents half way indoctrinated me into their WAY Ministry version of christianity. I have never read the bible chapter to chapter, so it was impossible to defend my faith. I was terrified of "The Gathering" being brain washed and having a new body in some Kubrick Esque sterile white world. I was always at odds with my uncle who is an orthadox trinitarian. Around the age of 15, I tried turning to conspiracies and libertarian paranioa to support my beliefs. Litterally wasting afternoons listening to Alex Jones. By the time I turned 17, I came to the conclusion that nothing is absolute. Ultimately Republicans can be just as totalitarian if not more than democrats. So I left my former religion seeing it as contradictorary and sadistic. I have a hard time agreeing with people victimizing themselves over not having a holy war with the middleast and loosing control over sexual discrimination. My faith once again is being challenged by my uncle, yet now that I'm older he seems more logical than my dad. Maybe Christianity could really help me in the miserable life I live now. But how can I have intellectual integrity if I'm changing my beliefs every 2 years?
My interests then were also abnormal. I was a huge 007 fan by age 8, eventually moved on to more violent stuff like Air force 1, Speed, the fugative, and episodes of house. I played video games, but more often than not never beat them. My literary knowledge only ranges from some classic novels, shakespear, and dystopian literature. I never got into Lord of The Rings or Harry Potter. I was interested early on in technology but it didn't become an addictive passion until I was 15. My dad got my into 80's rock and synth pop when I was 7, my music habits haven't really changed ever since because its hard for me to find music nowadays on the same quality level.
Up until I was 13, I did ridiculously stupid stuff such as bang my head against the wall and flap my fingers in times of excitement. I would also bite my wrists out of anger for more than a decade. No wonder I was on medication from age 7 to 16! Ritillan may have done perminant damage to my brain, Im tense and not hungry 70% of the day. I have also taken Luvox and Seroquel. The blood tests were hard to deal with when I was younger.
I have moved around many times during my life. From California to Texas where my mom got stage 3 Overian cancer when I was 9. I had a growing fascination with meteorology during my time in Texas. Almost a sadistic fascination with tornados, wishing one would hit our apartment so I could experience a real disaster first hand. From Texas we moved to Idaho, where my dad was layed off a year into his new job. We soon moved back to Modesto California in 2008, shortly after my dads boss died from a heart attack and he was layed off by his son six months later. My mom soon had reocurring cancer in her liver, and recently in her breasts. She is currently recovering and is a firm believer in organics. Aside from the trama of moving, our family has lived in Sacramento ever since.
Today
School: Im a high school senior making C averages, with my only A being in economics. At the moment I am failing Algebra 2 and now working to save that semester credit. Next semester I will be taking transitional Algebra, which will more than likely force me to take 2 years at community college and transfer to one of the 3 CSU's offering the major I want (Industrial Design). I'm absolutely intimidated when attempting to do homework. My eyes keep accidentally skipping lines and it takes me 2 hours or more for one math assignment. I have a 504 plan but feel ashamed and stupid when trying to use it. My vocabulary has dropped in the past few years ( You can probably notice that reading this). I feel less intelligent today than I did 3 years ago. Yet with all this against me, I have been semi succesful with past and present AP classes. I like Ap Psychology, US History, and Literature, however not enough to persue a career in those fields. My SAT score of 1350 made me feel illogical when everyone else seemed to be getting 1600's. I'm intending on retaking it in January, this time with much more prior study.
Achievements: Became an Eagle Scout earlier this year. My project consisted of three parts, which were indexing over 1500 gravestones, guiding scouts to do 4 custom build PC's for our troops church, and setting up a secure network with new CAT6 cables and an AC band Wireless router. I have done many service hours for this non profit group helping to teach today's generation media production skills.
Ambitions:After graduation, I want to get the hell out of Sacramento and move atleast 100 miles or more south. I want to get my BA in industrial design, inspired by the work of Nokia, Panos Panay of Microsoft, and Jonny Ives at Apple. I want to make something for the millions with majority control over the design. I also want to write successful fiction/sci-fi novels part time and one day turn a few into movies directed by me. Who knows, maybe that would bring in enough money for me to quit industrial design, but its always good to have a working backup.
Quirk's and fetishes: I have somewhat of a gore fetish. At time watching violence on screen has felt sexually turned me on. What scares me is that this also happens during scenes of dismemberment and torture. It also goes as far as having a medical fetish. Nowdays I tend to look forward to injections, cuts, and needles. I hope this is common and not some mental illness. I question my sexuallity because I am a closet furry. Yes.... I have masterbated to these desires many times before. I feel like a freak because of it. When I was younger and still to this day, I always wish I was some animal human hybrid mix. Perhaps centaur, minotaur, werewolf, merman, and oh yes, anthro dragon would do just fine. Finally, I'm semi obsessed with radiation, specifically the medical type. I have watched well over a days worth of videos regarding fluoroscopy, Chernobyl, three mile island, and medical linear accelerators for cancer treatment. I am addicted to the internet in general and I have spent an unhealthy amount of time on XDA hacking up my android devices. My height is 5' 4" and I weigh around 116 pounds. I question my masculinaty due to my physique, the average person my age weighs 30 more pounds than me apparently. I haven't fully gotten into the habit of brushing my teeth, I do my laundry once every 3 weeks at most, and I feel dirty with an unshaven face and long hair. It probably helps to know that I have anxiety around girls, as if they were comstantly judging me in their mind and I'm somehow offending them.
I apologize for giving you guys so much to read, yet now its time for answers. It will be probably easier to answer these questioms with the abundance of information thrown your way.
1. From the info I have given, what has lead to my probablems?
2. Is my depression and negativity legitimate?
3. Give me a deeper answer to just learn to accept myself, how should I accept myself?
4. What can I do now to be legitimately happy without feeling isolated?
5. How do I fix my life now?
04 Dec 2014, 10:03 pm
