To anyone who thinks they can convince me.

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I'll just get straight to the point, I'm in a state of non-existence, everything around me is superficial, fake, and annoying. My life is so dull and boring, I can't take it anymore! I'm not worthy to anyone, no matter how much I put myself on the line. It's rejection after rejection, betrayal after betrayal, I'm thinking isolation is the only way out, I really don't care if I fall out, I welcome a painful heart attack and high blood pressure. I can't care for anything or anyone, it's not in me. It's not even so much that people would be better off without me, I'm just so miserable it's making me go insane! I just want the pain to be over with, I've already blown my chance to have a good life so what's the point? I live to die in the end, so why not end it early? I have nobody! I'm sick of fighting this alone, I'm sick of being lonely, I'm sick of it all! I'm a bitter and angry person, it's too late to change. Thus I'd probably be sparing a lot of peoples lives by ending my own so for the sake of humanity, it's best if I go. I just hate life with a passion, I'll always take it too seriously because that's the only way I've lived life, I've never been taught another way, I don't know what to do anymore!

You are worthy. What else do you need to know?

you're only as worthless as you say you are, honestly. you don't have to let the people around you influence you.

what can you do for yourself to change your life right now? how old are you? can you move, make new friends, get a better job? work towards a better job?

You don't owe humanity s**t.

I too am a bitter and angry person. And honestly, there are plenty of times - I'm going through one of them now - where that anger is the only thing keeping me in the game.

It feels good to stick around long enough to laugh at the misfortunes of those who've f**cked you over. Even in the grip of anhedonia, in the midst of depression, it feels good to see justice done.

Not giving a s**t whether you live or die can make you powerful, make you capable of the unexpected, give you the determination to continue pursuing a cause when others would give up to protect themselves.

They say when life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Suicidality is a tricky lemon to work with, but it makes one hell of a lemonade. Stick with it.

Right now I'm working at a large retail and grocery store I'll call MegaMart* And often I blame myself that if I had been better at school, played the game better, etc. Well, of late and I mean the last couple of years, the thing I kind of wish I would have done is be a doctor and I think I would have been a pretty good doctor.

But there are advantages to slumming it as it were. A life of adventure rather than perfection and overplanning.

When I talked with my internist several years ago about depression and thoughts of suicide, he said it constitutes a medical emergency to have thoughts along with a present plan.

He also said at least some studies have shown that depressed persons are actually more realistic, as if we need an optimism bias.

I've never tried antidepressants. They are kind of my ace in the hole. I think their prime benefit is that they can potentially give you energy to try a series of medium risks. Of course with all the usual caveats: takes four to eight weeks to tell, usually important to phase down in steps even if damn thing isn't working, etc.

* A new adventure, maybe something specific like greyhound rescue? And probably as clique-ish as anything else, need the skill of taking on small volunteer assignment, etc.

* maybe a new artwork where you're not good at the beginning

* maybe meetup groups,

* maybe dating sites, and if you have more kinky desires as many people do, maybe fetlife which I think is a large rather reputable site

* maybe casual classes gearing up for more formal classes which will count, and in lowkey fashion try to be an asset to other students in the casual classes. Still very hard to make friends in classes, that's been my experience.

We have a post on basic first aid on suicide prevention
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viewtopic.php?t=274767

It is unfortunate that this is what you allow yourself to meditate on. Negativity and hopelessness has become a reality for you. I don't think you hate life. More like you hate yourself.

That is dangerous and the way you curse yourself implies that you are possibly suicidal. Not good.

Everyone has the power to change. I know that I do not have to wait for someone to convince me otherwise. That is because no one has the power to change others, only themselves.

So the real concern here is: "When will you convince You?"[/quote]

You're right, I do hate myself. I hate myself for not being realistic sooner and the end result is what I'm feeling and thinking now. I don't see myself making a change, other than settling for what I have at the current moment which is virtually nothing, just enough to get by. Granted, I'm not as upset as I was last night but I still think about how much I hate myself all day long, people would be lucky to get a smile out of me. Being that I'm a total loner and have no one to go to doesn't fix anything, sure, I have my family, who are practically the people who never raised me correctly and ignored my cries for help, problems blew up from there and before I knew it, I landed in jail and got sent to prison at 20 mind you, became an alcoholic/drug addict, homeless (still am), no social life, hell! I haven't had a girlfriend in I don't know how long. There just becomes a point in life where you give up and don't care. I'm well beyond that point. I was fortunate enough recently to land a permanent job with my criminal background, it's all I have, and while I'm going to fight tooth and nail to keep my job, I'm still extremely far from change. I don't have the motivation to really to do anything. However, I believe change will be a considered option when life starts treating me a little better, but right now, it's not.

Hey I get the impression that you draw that's cool, I've figured out that when I feel down and there's thoughts running through my mind it can help with creativity. It helps me if I draw or write my thoughts down, you could be surprised what you wrote after a couple of months time, I tend to get a different perspective on things by doing this. The main thing that seems to melt all my problems and anxiety is playing an instrument to a piece of music I love. There's got to be an on off switch somewhere you can't be constantly thinking thoughts like this it will drive you crazy. Hope this helps, sorry it's not much. Never give up on your dreams, It's good to meet you.

Life is always worth it....here's the thing. We are here to overcome hardships as long as possible and try to survive.. its human instinct to strive to survive because know it or not, we are striving to survive as long as we can because we know were gonna die one day but never do it by one own hand. No matter what kind of situation your in, you need to strive to survive and it is measure BY longevity and current situation you were in cause once your time is done and your with [insert religious belief here] I have no doubt you will be measured by your past accomplishments and struggles you have overcame or endured. Enduring through something always will have its benefits

Even now I am in panic mode regarding my Disability and SS benefits [see other thread] but I am enduring it as much as possible.

You could use your discontent, sadness, and depression to your advantage by using it in your art.

If you have a sarcastic/sardonic streak, you could create good satire. You could create good satirical visual art. If you feel like being really humorous, you could make use of the device of caricature.

Read Juvenal, who was a sarcastic/sardonic Roman writer who wrote about "everyday" things in 2nd century AD Rome.

When I worked in a furniture store, one of the sales people had a previous criminal conviction relating to drugs. He was actually a pretty alright guy and about my age. Now, you can't do this in auto sales because they let the damn insurance company run the show. But all the same, professional sales is one thing to think about mid-term or even longer term, because the money can be pretty good even with them overhiring. And it ended up more ethical and more positive than I thought it would be. A hinge point is if they pay for training or not. If they don't pay for the week or two of your classroom training time, it's a dicier outfit, maybe even a rip-off. If they do pay for training, although might have problems, much more of a legitimate business.

And honest to gosh, there might be an inverse relationship between being barred from a field and the status of the field. Apparently, Texas as recently as twenty years had a law barring people with a drug conviction from working as hair stylists(!). But if you're all over math and science and like the case study method, I bet a person could go to medical school and practice medicine. Because people love the narrative of someone doing wrong, paying their debt, and then turning over a new leaf. And I bet to a large extent this is true of law, architecture, accounting, etc., all the major professions. Or it damn well should be, at least the way I look at things. And this part may end up surprising you, barred from some of the lesser professions, but not as many of the major ones.

chicagoartist500

I second what kraftiekortie and Grommit said. Invest your efforts in your arts.
You might not see a financial return, but you will see a return.
It might not come for months, but it will come eventually. I know it paid off for me.
I've won friends thru my artistic talents. More importantly, it gave me a voice
to say precisely what I needed to. I only have a handful of dedicated followers, but that's enough.

Do you have an online gallery? Your avatar indicates you are a spray artist.
That's a harder medium to sell with, but it definitely has its advantages.
You would probably know more about it than me, but I've done some work with cans.
If you're a graffiti/street artist you don't need to admit it here if you don't want,
since anonymity is a concern for some. If you do graffiti, I hope you follow some code of ethics
(ex. no tagging over other people's murals, etc.). I certainly enjoy viewing graffiti as a critic,
and it has brought much joy into my life. If the streets don't allow you
the practice time you need, don't underestimate the versatility of plywood
or masonite board you can get at the hardware store—WAY cheaper than canvasses,
plus you get smoother surfaces than most walls. Just don't make the mistake
I did and leave them leaning in the rain. Masonite warps/bends when it absorbs water.

For other artistic media, consider getting involved in the community by taking
classes at a community college, or going to meetup.com and looking for art clubs, etc.

I would probably be super-depressed if I didn't have all these personal art projects to distract me.