I think this might be turning into a dilemma. >.<

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Soooo, hi! Beforehand, thanks for listening. It means a lot to me. ^.^

I have a best friend. We’ve been best friends since we were nine years old. She’s my shield against the rest of the world, and the only person I completely trust with all of my crazy. We have a world together. She’s the only person who can calm me down during a meltdown, or shutdown, by just holding me. She also might be a point of major obsession. When I was younger, I never imagined that we might come to a place where we would go separate ways. I mean, not separate as in not being friends anymore. But just separate in the way that I couldn’t imagine not being with her all of the time, and living with her, and having her around when things get tough. Because, well, we’ve always been that way.

Now, here comes the but. She’s twenty-three years old. I’m twenty-two. As we get older, she blends in more with everyone else. I seem even more stand-out-ish. Despite having a boyfriend that I love, and plan to marry, I want to spend most of my time with her. He understands, for the most part. Because, though he isn’t on the spectrum exactly, he does have ADHD, and his mind tends to be a little more accepting of people like me. He even likes having her around, because he doesn’t deal as well with the meltdowns and things. Soooo, everything is a bit stable. Until people mention that if Blake and I do get married, it would be weird for Rissa to live with us. And that sends me spiraling. To which Blake says that Rissa can just live next door, and we wouldn’t even move into our own place for several years. Sooo, deep breaths on that.

But that’s just one part. The major part I’m dealing with is that Rissa also has a significant other. Her name is Elly, just like mine. Aaaand, I really really really hate her. I hate that she takes Rissa away for days at a time. I hate that she has issues just like me, and Ris likes taking care of her. And, I hate the way that I hate her. >.< *frustrated face* It’s mostly situation. Elly (the other one) is also one of my other best friend’s fiance. And Rissa already shattered my world by going up to New York to live with them for five months. In which I almost died. And I lost a lot of confidence in myself. And Elly (the other one) is just so needy. >.< Of course, I’m really needy. And really jealous. And, and. Elly (the other one) was my friend too.

*sigh* Let’s try to gather some thoughts, kay? When Rissa called to tell me she was coming home, because she missed me too much, I burst into tears. I had been living with my mother, which isn’t really a good situation because she doesn’t always understand me. She just wants me to be normal, and not childish. And not happy. >.< Okay, so that last bit was an exaggeration. But, the point it, it was really traumatic for me. And it made me distrust Ris just a little, because she had left me even though she said she would always take me with her. When Ris got back down, I moved in with her, Doggy (my good friend and Elly’s fiance) and Elly (the other one ). It was slightly okay for a few weeks. I’d even had conversation with Elly about how much Rissa meant to me, and that in some tiny way I was both obsessed and in love with her. Yes, yes. I do have a boyfriend. That I love, very much. But, well, my feeling are confusing, and complicated, and dumb. Ahem! Sooo, I was in shock a week later when the two declared they were suddenly dating. Without even talking to me about it!

Okay, it normally wouldn’t matter, with normal people. But Rissa and I had always talked about things like that. So, I felt really betrayed. But, I tried. I really did. Ris has so much control over my life, I just deluded myself into thinking that I had the same. >.<

Soooo, there’s that. Elly is the first person who has been close to me that I just hate. Like, burning in stomach, just wanna push her down the stairs, can’t stand hearing her name, or her voice, or the way she clings to Ris. *glowers* It caused a lot of big commotions in the beginning. Like, full out melt-down crazy tantrums. So, Ris and I moved in with Blake. But it’s still been really hard, because Ris tells everyone that I’m her top priority. This has all been ongoing for about a year now. >.<

Recently, Elly (the fake one -.-) went back up to New York for a month. And I got used to having Rissa to myself again. And now she’s back. I had a major shutdown when I realized it, and I really scared Rissa and Blake. And now Rissa is talking to me about breaking up with Elly, even though Elly is bipolar, also probably on the spectrum, and it would tear her to pieces. But Ris says I’m the most important, and that she would do that. But, but. *frustrated look*

I don’t want to be the kind of person who would dictate who someone loves. I want Ris to be happy. I do. The reasonable, non childish part of me acknowledges this. I want them both to be happy. I do. I just, I almost can’t control how much I dislike her. I always end up having meltdowns when she’s over for more than a few hours, or shutdowns. I’ve always felt like a nice person, or at least very kind. But she makes me feel kind of pitiful, and awful, and horrible. And now I can’t even hang out with Doggy, who was one of my best friends far before Elly even came along. Because he loves her so much, too.

And, um, lately I’ve been trying to invite her over to hang out. So maybe I can make her a part of my routine and like her. But she doesn’t even like being around me that much either. She likes having Ris all to herself, too. So it’s like a tug-a-war. I just want to pull her hair out. -.- I know, right? UGH! I could use some advice. Am I really being a horrible person with all of this? I feel like an utter dragon. But, everyone knows these things about me. I do not hide who I am. I’m just… Should I let Ris break up with her? Do you think that would make it better? Or, should I hang in there? I just shudder at the thought of her being in my life more than this. And Ris and I are practically one person, a lot of time. So it’s hard… >.< Anyways, thank you, again, for listening! I’m sorry to rant your ears off. >.>

*armflail* I feel like someone must have a helpful opinion of whether this is normal or not? >.<

Love is divisive for most people. It becomes vastly less so for those who routinely meditate. For me it's just how I fall asleep. The retort "in your dreams" is far less pejorative when one realizes the shared nature of our collective subconscious. Internalize your friends.

The Squid had to stop reading about half-way though the story, as we got confused with names. However, we think we got the gist of the problem. It may be hard to accept this, and you may not accept it, but turning twenty-two means you will need to find ways to manage and cope with some of your condition. Your friend will not always be there for you, she has a life of her own. We feel you need to find hobbies or items of interest to help take your mind off of meltdowns and shutdowns. Find ways of de-stressing. Listen to your favorite music with the door shut and the lights off. Prepare your favorite meal on a day you feel blue. It's nice to have people there for you when you need them, but it's even better when you can learn to manage this crisis on your own. Who knows, your friend my come to respect you more and may show pride when you can handle small problems on your own. Give it a shot. Find your path!

While the squid is wise and has valid points and I feel it's not necessary for me to echo those, do you feel your hate of her is justified and rational or just jealousy because she sees her more than she sees you?

*sigh* I think that in some ways it is justified. And, in some ways it is extremely unfair to her. I do have valid reasons for disliking her, and for clashing.

One of the reasons this is so hard for me, I think, is because Rissa has always been in a caretaker role. I have mature moments. But most people tend to agree that I would never be able to live on my own, and that my maturity level never really reached beyond my early teenage years.

I do go talk to a therapist about this sort of thing, and sometimes with Rissa. But, well, I thought it would be nice to get some fresh viewpoints on the matter. I would love to be able to do more things for myself, and strive towards being a bit more independent. Unfortunately half the time that just blows up in my face, sorta. Soooo, yeah. >.< Ugh. I know, I’m topsy turvey. But, once again thank you guys for listening and replying.

This need not be a lifelong condition and I don't even think it's related to ASD. A great many NT's also never mature beyond their teenage years. But if you don't then I can see life will become a misery for you because the actions of someone else are controlling the way you feel. The first responder suggested meditation and I wholeheartedly agree. It's not just new age crap, it's actually been proven to change the physical makeup of your brain when you make it a lifestyle choice. It also disconnects the fear centre from the me centre making you less reactive to situations. I've been meditating seriously (1hr per day) for just one week and the difference is my resilience is massive.

I don't do well with sitting meditation so I do it during a yoga session instead as I meditate more easily when my body is moving. It won't solve all your problems at once but it will help you along the way.