Living with a depressed, anxious person?

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I'll have to correct myself somewhat.

What I defined as "abyss" is actually "nadir."

The abyss is deep (usually deep below, like the ocean floor)--hence my imprecise conception of the term "abyss." It's like a vast "deepness," rather than a specific point below (like a nadir).

Too true. Not listening to my body's natural reactions is a constant for me. Its like my senses are heightened and I'm constantly wary.

I know I am sensitive to certain things, but I don't view myself as sensitive, everything is more intense when I'm anxious, its something that I haven't quite made sense of; like I am sick and tired of trying to desensitise myself to noise, it bugs me, multiple noises frustrate me, I would rather work on something achievable instead.

It's hard for the non-depressed person to wrap their head around the fact that with depression, sometimes the easy tasks are the hardest. The little things that "normal" people just go about doing on automatic pilot are cumulatively exhausting. I think I tend to get "lazy" with basic things because there's little immediate reward for them, only negative consequences if I don't do them. Most people seem to have their automatic-pilot switch on that makes them just follow a routine and do things without it being a hassle. It's like I have to learn to temporarily turn myself into a robot so that certain things get done. For some reason it isn't easy and I tend to wait until the things not taken care of start causing me unbearable anxiety. I wait until my apartment gets so dirty/messy it starts to bother me before I'm motivated to clean up. I wish I could just set a time and do it, but if there's nothing forcing me it doesn't happen. For these kinds of things, the "try harder" mantra just comes across as ridicule. I'm not given a reason to want to try harder. I'd rather be like a normal person who doesn't have to "try harder" all the time and just does things in automatic-pilot mode.


"being ambitious" is problematic because it expects you to change an emotional inclination towards something. You're judged for not being excited enough when you don't have control over your level of excitement. I'd rather have a realistic expectation that I soldier through those things I dislike. Some things are just going to be like going to the dentist, unpleasant but necessary (if I want to avoid worse consequences). Those are the things that tend to block me.

In any case I'd prefer realistic advice to advice that tells me my feelings and desires are just wrong. And the funny thing is, I am "ambitious" when it comes to certain things I love to do. I'm ambitious where it comes to learning new things. But I'm probably never going to be "ambitious" where it comes to certain things. I've learned from experience that I can't expect to have that "spark" all the time. Work and careers are fundamentally about making money, not learning, creativity, or exploring what interests you. People try to delude you into thinking it's otherwise, but it isn't. You have to force yourself to do things that don't inspire you and that you're not particularly good at. You just have to wade through. I don't want people to tell me I'm supposed to enjoy something. That's invalidating because I have no control over what I enjoy and what I don't enjoy. I can potentially trod through, but I can't fake an emotional inclination for something I don't enjoy. I can't keep comparing myself to others and telling myself I'm wrong for not having the same emotional inclinations. That just drives me nuts and makes me want to smash my head on a concrete wall.


But really, the hardest part is finding a reason to want to try harder. Telling yourself you're basically a s**t person because you don't find it easy to constantly effort towards things that don't seem to produce any reward just makes you feel worse. Yet that's some people's method of operation. They think they can create motivation by heaping ridicule. They only create rage and resentment that boils over into outbursts where I want to break things or hurt myself. They make me want to hate all these "normal" people for finding it easy.

Of course they want to deny it's easier for them in order to boost up their ego, but don't seem to care that the flip side is a moral judgement against me. If it really is just as hard for them they're telling me I'm just a sh***y person. It follows directly from their logic. Of course it's easier for someone who isn't depressed! I notice when I'm less depressed things are MUCH easier. I don't just "try harder". Things are literally easier because I feet so much better! But all people on the outside see is whether something happens are not and they judge my effort based on that.


I don't think I ever really "give in". I'm always fighting my depression. I'm always trying to find something that makes me feel better. Always fighting the bad feelings is part of the reason I get stuck. I'm always trying to do whatever I can to temporarily alleviate the burden. Luckily I'm not an alcoholic, but I can see why some people turn to that. They're always trying to self-medicate so they don't have to feel the all-encompassing nastiness of depression. I just try to distract myself with things I like to do, but often at the expense of other things that have to get done. In a way it's like I'm always fighting against my feelings, whereas normal people don't have to. Their base state is neutral, not depressed.

When I was depressed I hated being told things like "try harder" because I was already trying as hard as I could. What I wanted most of all besides someone who'd listen who understands is practical advice that seemed like it could work for me. I wanted to solve my depression & get through it & talking/ranting/complaining was a way for me to blow off steam & help me analyze & sort things out & the last thing I needed was someone implying I wasn't trying hard.

It can be extremely difficult even when your partner knows it isn't your fault. The other person has to go on functioning, being positive, maintaining connections to the world, having some sort of enjoyment of life, and often also has to take over many of the responsibilities that the depressed/anxious person isn't handling. After a while you just don't want to go back to the house or flat where the sense of misery is. And yet you know that if you don't the person will blame you for it. You try to cheerlead, compensate, give space, help, leave alone...sometimes nothing works. And when it drags on for months and years it can be extremely difficult to live with. It's not anybody's fault.

I think what sometimes happens is the depressed person is so used to being criticized that they withhold the vulnerable feelings they have and instead act hostile. Of course people can't handle someone that's always complaining in a hostile/bitter manner. Maybe if they could just be allowed to cry and admit when they're overwhelmed without feeling the risk of judgement, they'd be more tolerable to be around. Real nastiness comes from stuffing emotions away and constantly fearing others. I think it's a viscous circle. Depressed people are so used to being judged and criticized that they often hide their feelings and either fake happiness or become hostile and moody when the cracks begin to open up. This is especially true for men who aren't suppose to show "weakness". That's one of the truly toxic ideas that creates unimaginable and immense pain and anger in some people. Like how do you defend yourself when you hurt so much, yet people seem to blame you for being a burden? You either feel hostile or you want to kill yourself. People always say "you're not a burden", "you're special", etc... but its hard to believe them. If you're so hard to deal with you begin to think maybe they would be better off with you dead.


It's not anyone's fault, but I think non-critical support helps a whole lot more than people without depression realize. So many people think "tough love" is the only thing that works, but it doesn't. It sometimes destroys people. It sometimes turns them into truly nasty people, full of resentment. That's what people find truly hard to deal with, resentment. It happens because people are told they're not allowed to express pain or sadness. So instead of pain or sadness, they express something that's much worse to deal with - moodiness, resentment, anger, etc.

And another thing. I think the "cheerleading" and "being positive" is HUGE source of problems. I helps when someone is passed the worst of a depression, when they're already on the way up. It doesn't help when someone is in the depths of an abyss. When they're at rock bottom, the first thing they want is just to be heard. The thing about "cheerleading" is it often feels like pressure. You say something positive (e.g. "it isn't that bad, chin up!, have a piece of cake, etc..."), it feels to them as though your minimizing their pain and telling them to "get over it". From their perspective, you're telling them they don't have a right to feel bad because "it isn't that bad". That isn't your intention, but that's what it tends to feel like. If they feel invalidated they're going to retort with something negative and pretty soon you'll both be banging your head against the wall in frustration. People are more receptive to positivity when they've already expressed their frustration, vented, cried it out, etc... not when they're in the midst of a deep abyss.

As for wanting space, that's a sign that the depressed person is feeling invalidated or has become resentful. They retreat because they don't want your attempt to help to turn into a head-butting session. Most people isolate because they feel too sensitive to deal with people, not because they want to be isolated.

Thanks for the replies.
Try harder is ok for a while and good as a general life mantra, but for the small things particularly when there is no end in sight of having to try harder, it can be demoralising.
I am trying already, there is so much happening under the surface, ‘yes cooking a dinner for two is a massive achievement for me today, and no I don’t expect a gold star for it’.
I was super ambitious, and pushed myself beyond healthy boundaries, I excelled in my career, because I could talk about it at length. And I threw all I achieved away, for this man. I am bitter about that, it is in the past now but ambition feels completely pointless, I have zip/nada/nothing to show for a lot of hard work.
I know I have to start over, and it sucks. I think I might have given in to fear, and stopped fighting like I know I need to. I’m tired, and no amount of rest, or healthy living or medication is changing my energy levels significantly.

I don’t care anymore if I don’t have the same excited or emotional response as expected by others, I don’t give a hoot, fake enthusiasm is apparently obvious and unsettling.
I don’t miss the ridicule, I did believe that I was utterly useless, I hated being dependent, it made me more open to criticism. I don’t miss the comparisons either “If it really is just as hard for them they're telling me I'm just a sh***y person.” I understand this, what they don’t see is the difference in the internal effort. I really needed him to listen to me, to help me in the ways I needed help and not in his direct try harder, get over it manner, I didn’t want to feel so bad all the time, no one would choose that intensity of pain.

“It can be extremely difficult even when your partner knows it isn't your fault. The other person has to go on functioning, being positive, maintaining connections to the world, having some sort of enjoyment of life, and often also has to take over many of the responsibilities that the depressed/anxious person isn't handling. After a while you just don't want to go back to the house or flat where the sense of misery is. And yet you know that if you don't the person will blame you for it. You try to cheerlead, compensate, give space, help, leave alone...sometimes nothing works. And when it drags on for months and years it can be extremely difficult to live with. It's not anybody's fault.”

Thank you for explaining this perspective to me, what you have typed are things my husband communicated to me.

The worst thing I did was hide my depression, stiff upper lip and all that, so that when the cracks appeared on the outside I had carried it for too long, but I kept fighting it until slowly I stopped functioning, and didn’t seek treatment until I realised I was depersonalising just to cope.
I couldn’t speak properly, my brain and mouth felt disconnected, so, when I spoke it was as short, blunt and simplistic as possible. So many miscommunications, I was already anxious, the inability to articulate fuelled more anxiety, to surmise it was difficult/impossible to live with me.

“Like how do you defend yourself when you hurt so much, yet people seem to blame you for being a burden? You either feel hostile or you want to kill yourself. People always say "you're not a burden", "you're special", etc... but its hard to believe them. If you're so hard to deal with you begin to think maybe they would be better off with you dead.”

In hindsight he made it quite clear that I had become a burden from the moment I became unable to earn. This really saddens me.

“It's not anyone's fault, but I think non-critical support helps a whole lot more than people without depression realize. So many people think "tough love" is the only thing that works, but it doesn't. It sometimes destroys people. It sometimes turns them into truly nasty people, full of resentment. That's what people find truly hard to deal with, resentment. It happens because people are told they're not allowed to express pain or sadness. So instead of pain or sadness, they express something that's much worse to deal with - moodiness, resentment, anger, etc.”

This paragraph really strikes a chord with me.
I have to agree also that the cheerleading approach works better on the way up, when you are at your lowest for me it only served to remind me of how far I had to climb up, by trying harder, unassisted.

I get what you're saying.

I believe my "support" was "non-critical." I don't believe I've lambasted you for feeling depressed. I also don't believe I use a "cheerleading" approach. I can't stand false enthusiasm myself. My enthusiasm is natural. I've never the Dale Carnegie Course--and I never will. I stay away from "self-help" books. They're just like useless paper to me, taken from trees which deserved to grow to maturity.

I'm not in the best position in life myself. I'm knee-deep in debt owing to my own financial mistakes. Sometimes, when I'm alone, I get depressed. I start to despair. I start to doubt myself severely. The last time I felt like suicide, though, was in 2000. I liked this woman--and she didn't like me. I wanted to throw myself before some cars. I'm married--but I feel constrained in my marriage. I feel I want freedom. It's stultifying, really, to be married.

Please don't think I'm critical of you and your reaction to what's happened--I believe I have an inkling of understanding about what you're going through.

It's just that people need a boost sometimes; when there's no stepladder available, a person's hands/arms do just fine, in my opinion.

My mother is quite depressed. She has a chronic illness (ironically, mostly found in young people!). She's one of those who must always look "dignified" at all times. Her illness causes her to be isolated socially.

All the optimism in the world won't change that. I'm her son, and I haven't made a dent in her pessimistic outlook. All I could do is make the effort. She's insistent in her world-view. Personally, I feel like she's lived a good life, despite rather inauspicious beginnings. She doesn't see the forest for the trees, though. I don't use a "cheerleading" approach with her. I try to use "reality-testing" to some extent. It doesn't work. It never will.

I guess she has to be allowed to "work through it" on her own. I will be there for support, should she need it, though (though she doesn't see me as a bulwark of support. She sees me as a person who squandered his potential).

If didn't want alternative perspectives I wouldn't be on an ASD site or starting threads about this stuff. Its a public forum, and certain sections are possibly more objective than other sites regarding relationships.

Kraftie, after all the, em, 'discussions' one has at the end of a marriage, your words were soft and fluffy by comparison, but you know I'm a tad numb. Didn't notice either way, I was responding to the content of Marshall, Timtowdi and Nicks posts.

Its not so nice that you are having troubles of your own, though it does make you seem less like superman. I think that even if you had freedom, the stultifying you mention might still exist for you.

And that is a key point, imperfection imo is better than ignoring.

If I had a steady support structure I probably wouldn't be posting about my life, so I aim to be gracious about the feedback I receive here.
On a slightly emotional note, I learned enough after a few months here to make some large decisions, the support on WP impacted positively on my life, its kinda amazing and sad that absolute strangers cared.
It is disappointing that recognisable posters have left, many of them paid it forward and that is an impressive concept.

Thanks for your response.

I feel you have a good perspective on things. I feel you'll be all right in the end. It's just a sense I have. I don't feel that about many people, my mother included.

What sort of career did you have before you met your husband? It seems like you had something thriving there. Perhaps you could use that experience in the future. Because you HAVE been there. I believe in the "once you've ride a bike, you'll never forget how to ride the bike" analogy.

My mother was insistent, after my father and her got divorced, that she'll let no man dictate anything to her. She had a boyfriend because she felt I needed a "father figure" during my adolescence in the 1970s. After she left the guy in 1978, she's never had a boyfriend, or even a fling with someone. She just gave up. She got her bachelor's in 1976, her Master's in Social Work in 1981. She's been a psychoanalyst since then. She's why I don't believe I can be a therapist....she's into long, drawn out treatments. I'm more into immediate results.

I'm trying to get my brain working again, it is a slow process, but necessary to be employable.
I worked in a socially intense role, it will take some time before I feel confident enough in my abilities to return to that sector. I might change direction and do a masters, I haven't decided yet, my memory is not what it used to be; but I do have broad and specialised employment experience, excellent references and multiple qualifications. So the foundations are there.

Sometimes immediate results are attainable, at other times they're not, regardless I think its better to respond to someone.

I'm thinking of going for a Master's in Social Work--then becoming a Transitions Counselor for new adults who desire independence, yet who need guidance towards that end.

I have a BA in Speech Pathology.

I feel bad that you have gone through what you've gone through. It seems as if you'd be a useful member of this Site owing to your experience on "both sides of the fence."

I believe you exhibit a fine mind already--that could be used as essential scaffolding during your recovery.

That's a horrible feeling. I've been there.


That's because depression has nothing to do with how good your life has been. Depression is an illness, a chemical imbalance in the brain. I don't understand why when a remedy like antidepressants is available that people won't take them. It seems unreasonable to me to turn away from a solution to ones's suffering.