Feel unpopular online

Post Reply New Topic

I don't see you as unpopular on here, people do tend to answer you and post in your threads, but I think that if you posted some in other people's threads about their problems as well, you might find more people talking to you.

I've noticed that quite a few people on here just post about their own problems and issues and leave it at that and don't read other people's stuff. Either way is fine, but you'll get more people talking to you if you talk to them about their problems rather than just your own problems.

I don't know if you hold grudges or not, but I see you sometimes repeatedly ignoring specific people's comments to you and I don't know if it's because you dislike them or if it's because they pissed you off at some point in the past or maybe they didn't say anything worthwhile to you, but I've seen you ignore viable comments from them. I know you do it to me, maybe because I said something to you before when I was in a bad mood and then apologized. I don't know.

You seem like a really nice girl, and I think you would have a lot more friends if you were able to relax and like yourself, which I know is hard to do because I don't much like myself either. But other people do find something to like about you so maybe if you ask them about themselves or talk to them about their problems they might have more of an opportunity to talk to you. Maybe look at some threads in the Haven or L&D or somewhere and post something in someone's problem thread. Even if it's nothing more than support and telling them that they are a good person. Saying something good to people and something supportive is always appreciated and it causes you to be seen in a different light. It makes a person seem self centered when they only talk about their own problems, even though it may not be true and they may just be shy and not want to intrude on other's threads. Either way, it can make people start noticing and talking to you more and it can draw you into more conversations. Maybe post in some threads on PPR too. I don't know if you post there or not, I don't think I've seen you in any of the threads I'm on, but I don't post there as much as I used to.

Try posting in threads that are the type you don't normally post in. Maybe post some light hearted stuff, or some positive stuff. Try new things and I bet more people will start seeing you in a different light.

That's nice.

And to OliveOilMom, you might have a point, but I would like to see an example of a thread who's posts I didn't reply to. I can usually get things right when I get told with an example of where I am going wrong. Thanks.

You mean a thread of yours where you didn't reply to some posts? I can't remember and I'm not going to go back and look through years of stuff, but I remember that you do tend to reply to almost everybody but sometimes you reply to everything but one or two. I don't know if it was because you didn't like the poster or because you overlooked it or what, but I believe I've noticed that. I could be wrong and confusing your posting with someone elses, and for a while I wasn't here very much, but I do think you did ignore some posts. Of course you don't have to respond to every one. I don't do that either when I get a lot of responses, it's too tedious and I just want to tell them thanks for responding so I just say "Thanks ya'll" to everyone.

I'd really try and start posting on other people's problems threads about their lives too. I'd like to see you do that. While you may seem to do what most people do and see your own problems as bigger than they are (everybody does that, I'm not insulting you at all) you seem to have perspective about other people's issues and might could have some good advice for people. The more you talk to people, the easier it will get. Also, helping other people deal with their problems can make you feel better about yourself. When you see your ideas and opinions being listened to and valued by others, it really helps boost self esteem. The more people start listening to you, even if they don't always agree or follow your advice makes you feel more valuable and the better you feel about yourself the easier it gets to talk to people. You also stop seeing your own problems as so big and seeing so many things in a negative light. It's all circular, the better you are received by others the better you feel about yourself and the better you will be able to come across to people and the more willing you are to talk to them, so you feel even better about yourself, etc. It's win-win. Also you may come up with some solutions to help someone else, and that makes you feel better too.

Even if you only can say something like "I used to feel like that, and I couldn't do anything about it but I survived it". You don't have to always do things just right, and it's a lot less terrible to get something wrong than you are afraid it is. I know you have social phobia and worry a lot doing something wrong and having people think bad of you, but there is one thing I've said to you before that really is true, even though it's hard to believe. It's "Your most humiliating experience ever is nothing more than someone else's passing amusement". In other words, while something seems mortifying and terrible when it happens to you, other people don't remember it or if they do they don't think bad about it and it's simply a little chuckle to them at worst. Realizing that is what made me able to laugh at myself and my own fuckups. I've done some embarrassing s**t, but because I've come to realize that it's not a big deal and nobody thinks bad about me over it, even if they do think it's funny, I can even tell embarrassing stories about myself, like other people do about themselves.

Other people notice a whole lot less than we think they do. Especially when it's about us. Finding new ways to talk to other people, like posting advice on their threads, or even just support, is a great way to start learning new ways to relate to others and find your comfort zone with it.

Hi Joe90

I think you were upset with me because you thought I wasn't taking your Aspergers seriously.

I apologize if I gave that impression.

I just don't feel people should be ashamed for having Aspergers.

simple reason that you dont get the attention, is that you probably dont give it out in the first place. For every like you get, you need to put work in yourself giving likes out.

When you're there, showing attention to others, constantly posting in other peoples threads, giving advice, making an effort for people, they will give it back, because thats all its about. You cant get upset when nobody wishes you a happy birthday when you didn't wish a single person a happy birthday in the previous year though, because you just never put the work in.

When you think about it, it makes sense. You can't be the person that everyone showers with attention when thats the only role you want to play. There has to be some give with that take. And then you realise ofc that you really cant be arsed to do that giving.

Once i realise what i need to do to get likes on facebook, to get attention from people, it suddenly makes me realise why i dont give a crap about any of those things. To get likes on facebook i need to jump into this web of social interactions, that never stops, that i have to constantly work to maintain, and when i realise that i realise i just dont give a crap. It's just not worth it.

At least when you are unpopular you find out who the really important people in your life are.

If it's any consolation, I feel the same
I deleted my Facebook profile at the start of the year for similar reasons as you, and also because I was sick of doing things with the intent of posting them, and realising that seeking other peoples' opinions was becoming my sole motivation for being creative. I must say, it's so much better not having a FB profile

I also feel like I kill threads on here a lot of the time as well. I'm not sure if I go off on a tangent or post things that are inappropriate for the conversation, but it seems to happen a lot!

I'm trying not to take it badly and remember that this happens to everybody, both in real life and online. The thing is, a lot of people either use the percieved rejection as fuel for the fire or brush it off and move on. I think there's a tendency within the perpetually anxious to really brood on that kind of thing though. Also, I think that it's a pretty common AS trait to concentrate on the negatives and perhaps forget all the meaningful and awesome posts one has made. All is well when everything goes smoothly, but instances when expectations aren't met stick out like a sore thumb

That's the same reason I don't use social media any more.

When I first signed up here, I used to come back every few hours to look at the number of views and replies my "Getting to know each other" introduction thread got. (Fewer than everybody else's.) Might be my username putting them off? Either that or I'm just not good at selling myself.

^ I don't think your username would be putting anybody off
I sometimes wonder if my avatar scares some people but hey... I like goats. And pentagrams

Perhaps you could try adding an avatar (In the 'My Account' link at the top right of the page, right at the bottom is an option to add an avatar.) I certainly find myself remembering people by their avatar more than their username!

I don't mean this in a nasty way, but you basically sound like a nerd. Why do you give a s*** if a person got 2 'likes' and you didn't, especially since you probably do not even know this person beyond the screens they hide behind? Facebook and other waste-of-time sites like it thrive on gimmicky s*** like that. You don't have to take it so personal. It just boosts their egos. The more attention they get, the more it raises their inner sense of popularity. That's probably what all this boils down to - a popularity contest. The key thing to do is meet people offline and "like" them for who they are and so on, not because they posted some dumb crap on their Facebook wall.

And as for forums; they're just there to post up one's opinions. People ain't gonna agree with everything you say no matter what you say and the forums online nowadays don't always get used accordingly. I've seen posts that consist of nothing relevant, like 'LOL, U are a dork' or 'ROFL' and pointless polls about what VG characters have the nicest arse, boobs, etc. It's stupid. As soon as message boards start being flooded by idiots, I'm done. In fact, I cannot remember the last time I had a really good three paragraphs per post chat with anyone online. Finally, people get bored, have nothing more to say and just end up spamming when all the interest has dried up.

Food. I ate it.
Rain. I got wet.
Flames. I got burned.
Etc.

I am not a nerd. Nerds are smart.

I suppose I compete with others too much.

And I never said I don't like/comment/ share other's posts on facebook. I used to spend an awful lot of time on facebook and I was always contributing to other's posts. I may be dumb but I do know the social give and take stuff.

As for WP, ok I might be different here to what I was on facebook. I may be good with writing but I can't always stay focused when reading, so, you know.
Also I sometimes feel a bit awkward offering advice, in case I might say the wrong thing. If I don't know a person, I don't really know what their opinions and political views are.

And lastly, when I say about threads I create dying off quickly, I don't mean the "please offer me advice" threads. I mean more the casual discussions where I'd thought many Aspies could relate to. Sometimes I like to see other people's opinions about life and different issues.

I felt this way too. Then one time a person I don't normally talk to came up to me in person and said he liked some of the stuff I posted. And even referenced specific posted. Yet he did not like any of them. I realized the "like" button does not equate to how liked you are.

I know that I'm not the most popular person on WP, because I was out of the loop for a few months between the August and November of 2012. I keep coming anyways. There are times that I feel that I'm being ignored. I look at the number of views that my topics have and that makes me feel better. I also feel that I'm too different for the rest of the members to want to identify with, because I like The Olympics and World Cup Soccer and the other members don't give a flip about that stuff. There was a period of time between 2010 and 2012 that I felt I was too old for WP, based on the fact that the same few younger members kept on attacking me on account that I'm a Kinks Fan. I also felt that a few people changed towards me, because they matured into mature family people and I haven't matured past being a 21 year old 60s minded Mod.

Sweet Pea hugs

I have believed for months that Wrong Planet is socially brutal (albeit online). I adopted a mindset of giving it no value it my life. Apart from those few Wrong Planetians with whom I have traded PMs, it is just so much distraction, like white noise. In the way that I ignored others in my life when I was getting abused and harassed in public schools, I now attempt to ignore the hostilities here. Occasionally, with friends like kraftiekortie, B19 and a few others, my time here is enjoyable, enlightening and fun.

I would suggest remembering those online friends above and beyond whatever verbal graffiti is tossed our way from those wishing to score points or settle long-lost angers. The silver lining is that many of them eventually leave. And, our friends remind us why we stay.

That's very good wisdom. I keep coming here because I see good in people, or should I say peaple.

Hmm I tend to think that social media is like an even more complex structure than communicating in real life because there is so much assumed and the information people choose to put out there is always strategic. It's greedy and needy.

So, I am a loner. Not popular in real life or online. At all. (in case you hadn't noticed )

For example, a really social outgoing girl in my (partner's) extended group of friends is super connected with everyone it seems, except me. One time at a barbecue I was standing in the kitchen talking to the hostess and this girl came in and started to talk over me in greeting the hostess. I caught a moment to say hello but she completely ignored me like I was invisible, except she made eye contact. So she saw me there, she heard me say hi, she chose not to acknowledge me. My partner didn't believe me when a few weeks prior I had sent a friend request to this girl on Facebook and she had not accepted it. He said she probably hadn't seen it or had been too busy to click accept. Basically, this girl will talk the leaves off a tree or any random person she meets but for some reason she actually hates me.

Other people I have sent friend requests to on Facebook ignore me too, even though they are friends with my partner and other people I associate closely with. And this is before I found out I had Aspergers and was still the chipper joking easy going social chick. lol. Who knows what NT's think and honestly who cares. I don't waste my time putting effort into or worrying about them anymore. As Coco Chanel is quoted to have said, "I don't care what you think about me, I don't think about you at all" keeps the peace and everyone's happy in their little bubbles.

You've hit the nail right on the head about feeling to ''different'' from the rest here. Often I feel like that here too. I sometimes feel like my posts aren't ''intelligent'' enough or something. Also I have an interest in the most mundane things in life, like trivial stuff, which is why I like small talk - which is what the majority of Aspies don't like. Also I appear to be obsessed with my feelings, I cannot keep any feelings bottled up, I always feel the need to express my feelings, either verbally or through body language, which I also heard is uncommon in Aspies. And I have never had any problems recognising non-verbal cues, even as a young child, and I've always been capable of telling fibs to cover myself up or save someone else's feelings, even when I was as young as 3, and I know I learned how to lie from instinct, I wasn't verbally taught. I have yet to meet another Aspie who can relate to that. And there are other little things that I don't have in common with other Aspies. Ironically I found Facebook easier to engage with people socially than I do here. Here I seem to use it more as a discussion haven.