Hey, I'm kind of new here and am not really sure how to go about this but here it goes. Sorry for the long introduction. I'm a 25 year old male that has been long since diagnosed with Aspergers. I have a loving supportive family, and friends. However, most days I feel depressed, unhappy, and unfulfilled. There are few days where I feel optimistic to begin with, and even less days when I end the day off on a good note. I've tried to write about it, but I can't really articulate the isolation I'm feeling.
I am mostly cynical but I feel like if I believe in anything, it will crumble in front of me. It has happened before. Relationships have rotted, and though I go to the end of the earth for my friends, I rarely feel the same reciprocation. I put on many different faces to deal with different situations and friendships. So being in the same room with all my friends can be a headache.
There is an aggressive, joking side of me which I honestly hate, (almost like my default and a more quiet and observational side of me which is very fragile. I usually exhibit this quiet side when I'm meeting new people. But then I start to regress into the aggressive side and by that point I cant really go back. I really never have a good time holding myself and am rather unsteady. When I'm around people I act like an overly excited dog or am very hesitant. I rarely have motives for doing anything and for the most part feel apathetic. I used to argue and get angry and basically just act like a steamroller. But even then I really didn't believe anything I was arguing or saying. Just because I wanted to feel something. Idk. In the end it didn't work and I'd end up feeling horrible and isolated from everyone. I don't argue that much anymore. And if I do its for a good reason. Mostly I just show depression. Many times I am angry but most times I'm really depressed.
Most of my friends, honestly annoy me. They don't want to listen to my problems, but rather end up speaking about themselves or their interests most of the time. Being around co workers and new people is very hard for me after the first initial interaction and even during the whole thing. I feel like an outcast everywhere I go and every group I'm around. People look at me like I'm some sort of enigma to them. They give this disapproving glance at me and it kills me and makes me feel unwelcome. I don't even know what I did wrong!
When I am at work, I rarely take pleasure in conversations with my co-workers. After a quick hi, they seem they have done their duty and quickly try to skirt away from talking to me. Many times they patronize me or try to ignore me. I dealt with this at college as well. Its sucks that it continued on to my job. I'm a cashier and most time me and my guests get along fine, other times I can't even bring myself to look at them. There are times where I just can't get up the energy to be the all American good ol' boy. Recently I had a nervous breakdown after one guest called me rude when I rolled my eyes after she insulted me. I turned off my lane light, went into the utility room and started crying. Now I feel as though I'm viewed as the unstable one at my job.
I'm sick of worrying what other people think, but I always have to worry to be able to manage my own behavior. I'm really sick of this and am in pain all the time. I take this everywhere I go. I really don't know what to do anymore. Its like I'm one big ball of mess everyday. And I'm living the most obnoxiously act. That I don't even exist and if there is a "me" I hardly know it and no one else has a clue. Its like I'm living "The Love song of J. Alfred Prufrock." Most days I wake up and wish I had died in my sleep. Do others here feel the same way? How do you go about coping with the situation?
19 Apr 2015, 10:56 pm
) You need to find a way that you can be yourself more. It's hard when you have to work and socialize, but for me anyway, it's exhausting to pretend all the time. Engage in your special interests and try to find a group of friends you can be yourself around.
