isolation

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I walked out of of the pub today after going with a bunch of people I know - I was the only one part of no group and with nothing to say, feeling invisible. I felt like a ghost, only able to observe but cut off from the living. These people like me and I like them, but they're not my friends, it's impossible for me to connect with anyone. So I'm back at work, not because I enjoy it and I don't give a s**t about my career, but because it makes me less miserable than being isolated in a group of people (anything does). I wish I could kill my need for love, companionship and friendship, only then could I be happy. I wished my parents would stop loving me, then I would be free to kill myself now instead of waiting until they're no longer around (when that happens, i will certainly kill myself). I hate my life and it is of no use to anybody, I've found nothing that either changes my isolation or makes me feel better about it. i would have hanged myself in my early teens had it not been because of what it would have done to my parents. I don't think life is inherently worthless or anything, just that mine is, not so much worthless as not worth living. I would gladly trade my isolation for aids or cancer, i'm not just saying that, death seems much better. Sorry to be just ranting, i feel i have to get it off my chest.

For f**k's sake, lighten up. You don't want cancer or AIDS you clown. Why not try to get in touch with others who have AS in real life, I'm sure you'll 'connect' with them which will make you less self-conscious so you'll be able to enjoy the company of the people who like you.

Get that suicide business out of your head, don't let the bastards bring you down.

I'm no clown, what I really want is to hang myself, so do you think terminal illness doesn't seem more attractive to me than my life? I don't connect with aspies, either. There are no bastards trying to bring me down, the people around me generally want to help but there's nothing they can do. the problem lies in myself, not in what other people do.

I feel basically the same, and I don't know if there is anything that can be done about it.

What you're describing is a moment everyone goes through at times, it isn't limited to Aspies at all. As long as you don't get to the point of actually doing something self-destructive as a result of it, it isn't necessarily an abnormal or a bad things either. Intellectually you KNOW that your life has value and although it may take more coping skills or compensation for you to relate to others that you CAN do it. However, knowing it and feeling it are two very different things, and it takes time.

So be patient and try to relax. I hope you feel better soon.

I don't know that my life has value, except to my parents. And I've felt this way most of my life, not just this moment, inlcuding that they are the only reason I don't committ suicide.

Before you check out, you may want to try offering your life to others, if it's of no use to you. Years ago I called the Volunteer Centre and they put me in touch with a rehab facility, which needed volunteers to participate into the phase of reintroducing the ex-addict to society. Of course I'm no good at that myself. But I was the only one willing to take the night shift (sleep in one of their bedrooms) on weekends. There was no responsibility at all, except to dial a phone number if anything happened, which it never did. To me, it was nothing - but it turned out I was one of their most valuable volunteers - specifically because of the way I am. It wasn't a huge awakening to me, but it was clear that doing this no-brainer was actually helping people a lot.

Is it worth thinking about? The volunteer bureaus do a matchmaker thing, which is why they found me that to do.

Also there's volunteering online.

When we're severely depressed, we need to get some help (IMO)! It isn't a natural state of mind, our brain chemistry is out of whack, and the depressed mind can't recall what it's like to be happy, nor can we easily do things to help ourselves. I'm going to use the cliche but true line that I always do - suicide is a permanent 'solution' to a temporary problem. There's life out there, good life, and you deserve better than to live hopelessly. I hope you'll take some positive action, whether it's something like volunteering, or going to see a good psychiatrist. Sometimes we need meds (perhaps only temporary) to get things straightened-out. Please don't continue to give yourself up.