I'm in isolation, lonely and it's killing me.

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I know I have more than most people. A roof, food, a bed, cable and a dog. I've never felt in place. Today isn't just bad, it's one of those very special Asperger meltdown/panic/supra-depression/PTSD/self hate wish I'd never been born or known of existence at all days. The only thing keeping me alive I think is my little dog. Otherwise I think I would die of a broken heart.

No one wants me around. I've had girls tell me I'm hot and that I have hot legs and butt, but I can't find anyone who sparks that fire of real love for me.

I've played music for 30 years and I hate it now.

I was beaten up from 3rd grade until 1987 in my junior year and after that it was unending mental abuse in college and in my career. Even the people in my bands and the local scene did it, even if unintentionally. No one ever cared either.

Other than my dog I trust nobody. I have come to live in 100% isolation, never leaving home and running on fumes. I find myself believing Micah 7:5 even if it creates distance. It feels safer.

I don't know how to find a new hobby. I have no imagination left.

I'm so unhappy and lonely but afraid of that constant pai of loss and abuse if I were to try again. I feel no hope for the future except unending medical tests, procedures, loneliness, seclusion, entropy and eventual death with no one to know I even passed until neighbors complain of the smell.

I want to smile, to love, to be happy, be okay with and love myself. The hurt. The hurt. Oh my Lord the hurt.

I've tried finding Asperger's and PTSD support around here and social medicine will only get you help only if you take and test positive for the cocktail of deadly drugs they try to force on you. The only Asperger's help around here is for children and non-state system PTSD people are $$$$$$ with insurance and sometimes won't even take you even if you have insurance.

I don't see me making it to 50 and I'm f*cking terrified.

I wish I had an answer for you.

I feel similarly. I got to a place in my life where things are somewhat better, but still, the future scares me because things do change, and I have nothing but hope that something new would fill in the void when it happens.

At most, I learned to just accept that things are what they are and try not to think too much about it. There are people worse off than you (hard to believe sometimes), and somehow they keep on going, so take some hope in that.

If not offline, you have us, fellow WPers, here.

I'm sure there are many on WP feeling similarly.

Why do you hate music now? There are many inexpensive hobbies you could try, such as learning a foreign language. You can try getting to know people through something like that. If not comfortable offline, then you can try that online.

What about different online communities?

Tumblr is one I can think about, their 'dashboard' is filled with posts of people you 'follow'. You could pick a few interests and just go from there, that can be rewarding (it is for me at least). I have a tumblr which I follow blogs that post quotes, inspirational messages, and other interests I have.. like art, rabbits, cars, gardening, etc. I don't have to deal with drama, anyone's facebook fights.. stuff like that.

It's pretty low profile, it can be fun once you get into blogging about your own things too.

Thank you

Music doesn't give me a sense of discovery anymore. When I play I get bored quickly and I don't like playing with other people now. Recording has gotten old. I don't know.

They key is to keep reaching out to find people who are going through similar angst and who can relate. WP is the perfect place to start that process. I can relate to pretty much everything you've said. It's very painful, at times to be so isolated.

For me, finding others with whom I share a connection to the natural world has been a lifesaver. Are there any outdoor activities in which you might be interested in pursuing?

You are not alone in situation.
It sounds like among other things you are experiencing extreme anhedonia, anxiety, and existential depression.

To ease the severity you may have to start off with small changes.
Physical exercise is a good place to start . You could also try to improve your nutrition with better food and supplements. I think vitamin D deficiency is common with us due to lack of sunlight exposure. A 5000 iu daily supplement may be a good place to start and could reduce the anxiety. Then you should probably try to reach out to more people for communication.

I happened upon something called Inner Influencing that helped me at one point: http://www.innerinfluencing.com

And I'm using the video at this site: http://www.quantumk.co.uk/quantumk_video.htm

And I'm doing other practices to help me connect to the energies of nature that seem to assist in finding at least a relationship with myself as a part of nature, even if not part of society.

Thank you. I do walk an average of 8000-12000 steps a day by walking my dog and working around the house and garden. I do have a severe vitamin D deficiency and I have to take two 5000iu tabs a day.

Thank you

I believe people want to recluse folks like us in complete isolation in a form of social abnormalities we have.

I am in a similar situation, people had isolated me, blanked off my mind, speak and treat me like a little kid along with adult and kid bullying that I am facing daily. I am completely miserable and feel that I would have a breakdown but all they would do is isolate me once again.

I even think someone linked me on that using this forum. It's unbearable.

It's just a use of eugenics, they don't want us to get anything out in this world. Along with the concept of bullying.

@emu egg
That you for relating and I agree.

Your situation sounds very difficult and I am sorry your are in such. I have had similar feelings and experiences at times but not to the intensity. I would suggest trying therapy of some kind. It is not the ultimate solution or a cure-all but it can help some. Potential aids are worth a try when one is at such a low. Finding people you can relate to and who are kind and understanding might help. I find that I am better when I have that. The internet has made finding such people easier. The situation you are in is difficult and solutions to it may not be the easiest but do try and hold on and not loose hope. I am sure there are things and people out there which can ease your burden. It is easy of me to say that, but do try and believe it.

I have been feeling down myself today also, so I can relate to your distress. Last night I noticed it is a full moon; for now I choose to suspect the full moon, combined with mild hay fever, has contributed to my despondency. I am going to try to just keep calm and wait it out and see if I don't feel better in a couple of days.

I know this will sound like excuses, but I have tried a LOT of therapy only to come out in worse shape with worse behavior and with increased anger. I at one point to get a diagnosis had to resort to writing letters to my Governor, Mayor, Senator McCain, all the local newspapers including the alternative New Times publication and all the local news stations that do the "TV 3 ON YOUR SIDE" type stories where they help the person and get in the face of the culprits. Anyway, that all helped because the state and county mental health s**thole started kissing my ass. Then I got a number for a pro bono "f**k the system and help the little guy" lawyer and when she got on the case the ass kissing multiplied. The next thing I know I had the top rated doctor giving me a several days battery of tests and came up Asperger's and PTSD. I had the epilepsy my whole life. When the lawyer got me a real psychiatrist he didn't know what to do with Asperger's and cancelled, i'm not joking, 50% of his meetings without any notice to go skiing out of state.
I tried getting into cannabis activism, my neurologist suggested it may help with my seizures and started meeting a lot of people which was really cool at first and then it comes down to being all business and it killed it for me.
I want to move to Oregon by the coast. My best friend, who also has AS and epilepsy lives there and we have a couple of ideas. I have been up there and I much prefer it to this Devil's Butthole Desert. I just need capital.