This week has taken it's toll on me and although many people view Sunday as the beginning of the week I view it as the end of mine. Monday started with two of my Aunts dying, so I pretty much didn't want to do anything all week. I couldn't game which is my one passion and I just felt out of sorts. Thursday I found out that my medication is far too expensive anymore so I need to go back to generics which the last time I tried that I was sick for weeks. Today things just kept getting worse, my hamster broke out of his cage and has been missing since, and I feel like I am going to fail my math class. On top of all this the future doesn't look any brighter everything in my life seems to be behind a pay wall. I got nominated to join this weird internet organization for those who keep getting on the Dean's List but in order to get the benefits I need to pay $85. Any game I want to play that my friends are playing I have to pay for but I haven't gotten any money. Even the free to play games taunt me with their sales which make me wish I could participate in, but know I can't. I have been a bit hesitant in trying to get a job due to being screwed over the first time I got a job and I can't even get a job till I get my ss card. On top of all of this I don't know how I am going to pay for college since I have used up all the loans I qualified for. I just feel as though I have only been put on this world to be tormented, I can't enjoy the things I used to and I don't feel like I am good at anything even gaming seems difficult. Through this I won't kill myself mainly because I view it as selfish, I know I am not the only one with problems and I also know my family depends on me. I have come to terms with my life and although I will live on I feel like I will never recover emotionally. I just feel empty on the inside, living only to go through hard times. I don't think I can be fixed anymore though I used to think it was possible before. I am terrified that I will wind up homeless I don't know how I would survive without electricity considering I get anxious if I can't distract myself from everyday life. All I want to do is sleep in hopes that my dreams can offer me sanctuary, but I can't even sleep well at night. I never tried to shoot for the moon in my life, mainly because I didn't want the moon. I don't seek riches and fame only enough so that I can live happily and have friends. Even that seems too much to ask for right now.
24 May 2015, 10:45 pm
