I'm Afraid of My Dad

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He's becoming more xenophobic, bigoted, conceited, aggravated, obnoxious, egocentric, abrasive, erratic, critical, and sarcastic everyday. When he isn't complaining about people he doesn't like because they're too different from him, he's talking smack about his family in their faces, and he seems to be the only one laughing. He has trouble keeping names straight, and he has developed all sorts of physical and verbal tics. He doesn't seem very out of his mind in public, but he really has trouble keeping himself composed at home in front of his family. He seems oblivious to how immature and reprehensible he acts. I don't know what I'm supposed to do besides try to ignore him and avoid him as often as possible.

I know that I ought to respect my father, but I feel that he seriously needs to improve his attitude. However, I think my dad would just get more agitated if I tried to talk to him about his behavior; he really hates listening to people with different points of view. I'm afraid I might do more harm than good, especially since I never learned how to defend myself in an argument. I thought about moving away from my parents, but I wouldn't consider myself capable of living on my own, and I'm unsure about moving out of town to live with my extended family.

I'm mostly scared for myself, as selfish as it sounds. Maybe I should fear for the sake of my dad and the rest of my family and my dad's co-workers. Or maybe I should work on improving myself first...

That is a horrible situation. He does not sound like someone that would be willing to listen to reason, especially from someone younger than him. Personally i would not even attempt to change his ways, Im sure he will experience the consequences of his words, when some day he says them to the wrong person. I dont know if you could have a conversation with him just about health without there being a negative outcome for you?

I agree with having respect for loved ones, but sometimes the people we are supposed to respect, truly do not deserve it. The ethos of respect your parents can be taken for granted, they brought you into this world, but that does not entitle them to your lifelong respect; they have to earn and keep your respect just like any other human does, its their responsibility to teach the true meaning of respect to you, so that you can apply this understanding to your other relationships and interactions in life, instead of applying the entitlement model.

Honestly I would be more confrontational with him mainly because after years of bullying I stopped taking crap from people a long time ago. Not saying you should be as confrontation leads to sorrow, just how I would react. It could be he needs medical treatment if he is developing tics I mean I don't get THAT off the wall when I stop taking my meds but I do get very agitated. I know he is your father and even I get mad at my father sometimes, he doesn't abuse me though just some of the things he does erks me. I don't know if there is someone you can talk to about it that you can trust that might be able to help or if you are old enough and can find someone else to stay with. I can only say what I would do and it wouldn't be pretty x.x I mean I can't stand people like that and the second they tried their I am holyer than thou crap I would tear them a new one but that is just me. Honestly just thinking about having to deal with someone like that is making me tense. I wish you all the luck in the world and hope that you guys can work something out.

Has he changed? If he used to remember names and now has trouble and has new tics and is less emotionally controlled I would only confront about the minimum (dad you haven't been to the doctor in forever you need to go, or that you are worried about him/the tics etc.)

Is there anyone who could help? It might not be something he can help, and he might be frightened. You said you're afraid, and confronting him if he is afraid more than very gently may create a lot of fireworks without getting anywhere.

Edited to add: if these things are new they could be health related. You don't have to tolerate them, but he might not have control and if you're living with him, he may do them. Sorry you are going through this.

Don't confront him, because he is not going to see his errors by being told he's wrong. Distance yourself from him enough that he isn't an issue in your life.

People can change for the better, but it really has to be internally motivated. The only exception I can think of is if you think it's health related.

<hugs>

He might have a mental health, chemical imbalance or brain problem developing. I would stay away from him as much as possible, and tell other extended family members your concerns about his emerging strange behavior.

I don't know what you mean exactly by him becoming more aggressive -- just verbally, or has he started to lash out physically too? I am concerned for your own safety. Abusive and erratic behavior will normally continue to escalate and get more severe without treatment.

Keep a special bag packed with your important documents that you can get to quickly if he becomes physically assaultive. Make a Plan B with another member of your family that you can immediately go and stay with, if you are forced to leave without any warning. Save up some money, enough to get you a bus ticket at least, plus a meal. Call an abuse crisis hotline to see if there is any shelter you can stay temporarily if you need to flee for your safety at some point.

Is your father older?

My father became mentally ill around age 40 and became progressively worse. Hopefully this is not what's going on with your situation, but on the off chance it may be, then MollyTroubletail's thoughts might be worth remembering.

Not wanting to play captain obvious here but... has he gone to the doctor lately and had his head checked?

Tics and unusual behavior like that can also be signs of a brain tumors,aneurysms and mini-strokes.

It would be wise to have him checked for that before assuming its dementia (if he's of advanced age) or mental illness.

If I told him that I felt that he needed a physician to examine him, he would probably get mad at me for suggesting it and ultimately ignore me. He won't even take those nightly store-bought vitamin supplements my mom gives everyone. He doesn't seem to be aware of his problems, since he acts like he's always in the right. I don't think he would want to go to a doctor unless his negative behavior caused a public incident. Thank you for your concern, everyone.

I don't know what scares me more: my dad being happy or my dad being unhappy.

When he's glad, he acts obnoxious. He can't express joy about anything without taking potshots at someone he doesn't like, usually someone very different from him; my dad tends to feel superior to anyone that doesn't conform to his strict set of values. (After a while, his bitter laughter and awkward clapping has really started to get on my nerves.) He doesn't just act embarrassingly (I suppose it's ironic that I'm saying that since he frequently complains that I embarrass him when he believes I act inappropriately, even in private); his actions seem like a cry for help.

When he's displeased, he's downright insufferable. He's prone to yelling at and demeaning his family at home. He has no qualms about spitting on the ground in public when he gets triggered, whether he's walking outside or driving in his land-bound vehicle of choice. When things don't go his way, he goes full man-child.

I don't think I can cope with my dad's behavior anymore; when he doesn't act like a "bully older brother" around me, he acts like a "bigoted grandpa". (He also has a "terrible boyfriend" streak considering how he even irritates his own wife.) I'm too dysfunctional to live on my own, I have no IRL friends that can help me with this situation, going to live with my extended family might drive my relatives insane because they don't have enough experience dealing with my own psychoses, and there's no way in hell I'm going to convince my dad to grow up because he's as stubborn and narcissistic as he is thin-skinned.