gonna kill myself

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excuse the swearing but it's like each day i'm getting more frustrated with things
sorry.

My feeling is:

You're not as bad as you think you are.

You're sixteen. When I was sixteen, I probably would have said many of the same things you said.

It seems like you're a good kid, and things will get better for you.

What I would do if I feel this way: just get into what I'm interested in. Study what you're interested in. Occupy yourself with doing well in school. But don't isolate yourself from other people in the process.

This Summer I had had enough. I have AS and still no work after 4 yrs.

My Alpha Female sister is getting divorced after 13 yrs. with a Beta Male that had two kids between them.

I hate my city and how its not got rapid transit that I'd like to see - rail-based. I hate it that they built a Holocaust Museum (calling it a Human Rights Museum) costing $330 M. that could have been used to pay for a light-rail transit line here.

I hate everything about my situation. I've been the mental health system since May 2012, almost was homeless because my apt. was being reno'd and they threw everyone out.

I hate it that I lost some of my well earned furniture to bed bugs in 2011.

I hate having a cell phone that I have to charge regularly, and when I switched co's I wanted to keep the same number but didn't do it right and now I can't transfer my old number. My AS is having a hard time with that one.

I have Type 2 Diabetes with already getting serious Neuropathy in my feet and hands...feeling partly numb all of the time.

So this Summer I tried 3x to drown myself in the River. I walked in and went under water. And after 30 secs. had this strong urge to get above water.

It's not that I have a sense of 'self-preservation' but rather I'm finding it hard to give up control to the River of my body. Yet, 140 yrs. ago in rural England I did drown myself because I was given the choice of staying on the farm with Dad or moving to another town to get a job. I did neither.

Hell, I can't even drown myself! And that makes me even more depressed than before. Winter is coming in about 2 1/2 months. I can't bear to go thru that.

I can't take it anymore. I don't know what to do.

Perhaps I will try during the Winter and just plant my almost naked body into a snow patch and freeze to death.

As I'm spiritual, I hear voices. My voice tells me to pray Our Father, Hail Mary, etc...and that'll give me a better chance at reaching Heaven if I do happen to Die.

My other spirit guide told me 2 yrs. ago that if I took my own life, I'd be spending "several thousand years" in Hell.

When I was 16 yrs old in 1982 I thoroughly enjoyed life. It was the middle of the home video age, and while I didn't have my own VCR until 1987 I used to enjoy reading VIDEO Magazine and later PC Magazine/PC World/Computerworld.

People didn't stare at their phones. They did carry Walkmans and jogged or rode the bus with them.

Music, tv, and movies were better then. We only had 5 FM radio stations...Now there's about 22 - most of them playing the same music "Classic Rock".

Thirty years ago there was more choice in retail shops. I'm in Canada, so everything I list was available in Canada:

* SEARS (almost gone)
* Eaton's (gone)
* Hudson's Bay Co./the Bay (almost gone)
* Wooco (gone)
* Zeller's (gone)
* Kresgee's (gone)
* Kmart (gone)

There was NO Wal*Mart until 1994-95.

In 2013 Target came north and replaced Zeller's. Now they're gone too.

So now to shop, it's Wal*Mart or nothing.

Aside from local convenience stores, there is no longer any video rental outlets as everyone just downloads from Netflix now.

I want to reincarnate so that I can come back again as an AS or more lower functioning Autistic so that I can wear diapers and be babied longer period than in this life where I had to give up babyhood as soon as my 2 1/2 yrs. younger sister was born.

I get almost PTSD from seeing 4 yr. olds in strollers sucking on binkys because 30 yrs. ago I thought this would be normal. I want that for myself.

OP Quote:
"i'm miserable because i'm jealous of my NT friends and how they're all so much more chill and fun to talk to than me.
and yeah and cause i'm f*****g lonely but i guess there's nothing i can do about that unless i attend therapy for the 100th time even though that's literally got me no where."

Ouch. Ok let's break this down into the parts:

you are miserable (understandable)
you are overwhelmed right now (frustration and hopelessness)
you resent that your NT friends are so much more chill and fun than you (you feel it's not fair)
you are lonely and feel immensely powerless to change that (you aren't)
you think that therapy is the only option available ["nothing I can do"] to deal with your misery, frustration, hopelessness, loneliness and sense of powerlessness (it isn't)
you know you have tried that a lot and got no where (you feel completely out of options)
you are in hell right now (as a feeling state)

When you are going through hell, the important thing to do is keep going. Stop, even if just for today, making comparisons between you and others (as per the Buddhist principle: make no comparisons). Your spirit is tired and exhausted, (I understand) and you need some safe spiritual support while/until your own spiritual reserves of energy recover.

So where can we find spiritual support in a soul crisis like this, when we need it most?

Therapists are only one option. Some are good at spiritual crisis, most are not. A Buddhist centre may be an option; some offer retreats, if you have a means to get to a place like this; twelve step groups offer spiritual support to strangers - you only need to turn up as a visitor, some are specially geared to emotional/mental stress; Churches often have people who offer pastoral assistance to people under enormous stress - you don't have to be a believer. Some crisis/help lines simply provide a listening ear that can help destress you a bit - being truly listened to is always helpful; librarians at public libraries can guide you to particular books that address what you are enduring; some Meet-Up groups are support groups and set up to meet the needs of people undergoing overwhelming mental and emotional stress; WP itself is a support site where there are (as evidenced in this thread) plenty of people with sincere good will offering to support you; you may have just one teacher or counsellor in your community or who has taught you in the past who knows you and will listen if you contact them and explain that you need support and can they just meet with you and talk about what's going on for you.. there may be a youth support line specially set up for your age group you can call; you may have a family doctor you trust who may be able to offer some assistance and listening. THERE ARE ALWAYS OPTIONS.

Your crisis has not happened suddenly; negative feelings, thoughts, have snowballed over time and now they have reached a critical mass, so that you must make new choices, take new actions, and find your way out of
this, to a more liveable life. Many here have done that in the past.

It's easy to curse the darkness, and I understand the appeal of doing so; but healing begins when you make the step of lighting a candle rather than cursing the darkness. You can do that. You still have some energy left, even though it is currently the energy of rage. Use that energy to connect and start your journey out of this. You will learn from that journey out things that will be useful for the whole of the rest of your life. Choose a new action and do it. That's will open the currently-closed door to the room of hopelessness you now feel trapped in. Choice = action = way out = make new connections = hope restores, healing begins.

For now, you are probably enormously tired on a physical level (rage consumes masses of energy) so this is also ultra-important: get the rest you need, to recharge your physical body to cope with the next important steps.

Good luck. Keep going, and you will get there.

Dear OP: I couldn't tie my shoe laces until I was quite old either. I still don't make a very good job of it and they often come undone. I also can't ride a bicycle or drive a manual car (stick shift).

But there are plenty things I can do, and I have few friends, but those I do have are genuine. It sounds as though you have a few rather shallow friends.

Paranoid feelings of various kinds, as well as over sensitivity, panic and anxiety are usually part of the AS condition and I still battle them at times.

I survived. You can too. We do care about our community here on WP. Feel free to PM me should you wish: my "box" is always open! I would welcome hearing from you so I could share some of my own experiences and how I coped.

We mods don't really mind if you swear here as long as you aren't swearing at or being rude to any of our members. We want everyone on here to have an outlet for their feelings as long as they respect those of others. Using strong language is an indication of strong feelings and a way to let off steam.

Please give us an update of how you're doing. We're here for you. We're not medical pros but often the best way forward is to lean on the shoulders of those who have gone thru the same stuff.

Hey, man, don't give up. I know what you're going through. I've been there too, and never want to go back.
I do want to make it clear that this is not a normal stage of growing up, however. Many people think that it helps to say "You're not alone in this, there are a lot of people who have been here before, you are not the only one, it's just a stage of life, you'll get over it, etc." But that is not helpful. It is degrading. These people think that you are going through a standard depression. Everyone knows what it is like to be depressed, I think. But few, very few, know what a severe depression is like. It's a sickness that you did nothing to deserve. You didn't bring this upon yourself; it found you, and enjoys seeing you suffer. It is meant to destroy you. But will you do it? Please don't. Because it won't work. You'll just end up in the emergency room, with your parents around to call you a weakling, complain, and shed some crocodile tears. Instead, I advise you to hold on to someone who does care. . . . . like us at Wrong Planet. We will be your friends (okay, it does take us forever to reply). I know this won't be easy. It is hell, literally. (Hell burns with the flames that you feel inside, for outside, you'd be consumed)
Sweetleaf had a good suggestion, that is, to listen to some music. I've got some suggestions below.

KoRn:
Twisted Transistor
Blind
Falling Away From Me
Freak On a Leash
Narcissistic Cannibal
Get Up
Hater
Here to Stay
Slipknot:
Duality
Dead Memories
Any and all of their songs. Enjoy!
Avatar:
Bloody Angel
Linkin Park:
Any and all of their songs. Enjoy!
Metallica:
Any and all of their songs. Enjoy!
Six Feet Under
Cannibal Corpse
Job For a Cowboy

I hope this helps. And feel free to ventilate.

The Clown

At least you have people there for you OP, be thankful of that. I have NO ONE there for me, I deal with all this s**t and I feel like a zombie, every day I die inside but I still live and I don't even know why.