Living in hell - I'm stuck

Post Reply New Topic

I'm basically resorting to posting here because i really don't have anyone else to tell and i've found people with more things in common here than in other places, even though i don't have any asperger's related disease (though i've diagnosed myself with BPD that matches exactly what textbooks say).

I feel like i'm living in hell right now, with no way out. I really don't know what to do, or think anymore. I feel my life has no meaning. I can't really say i've been unsuccessful in practical aspects of life. I've been amongst the top of my class my whole life, i'm in a career (med school) which at least in my country is considered the hardest career where only top students can enter and i'm still amongst the top students. I'm a graduate TA on what is considered by many the hardest subject of the career. I've been successful in sports, amongst the top of my country and internationally, with national records. I'm also considered by my friends to be someone with a lot of money, etc. I can't complain with that.

But i still feel empty. And i know why: i'm alone. I have a bad relationship with my parents and brothers. I have friends, but they all have girlfriends or boyfriends and they would hands down dump me for their partner. I have nobody to trust completely. Even my closest friends discuss my secrets with their partners (which hasn't been a problem because their partners are also my friends). But even then, there is nobody i can trust alone. Nobody that would care about me more than various other things. I've never been someone's best friend, just another friend. I've never had a girlfriend.

I really don't know what to do. I've asked for medical help, and meds don't work, i've tried plenty. Simply because meds work on people with chemical imbalances, which i do not have, my problem is being alone. This is now interferring with my life. I don't feel like doing anything. Being successful doesn't bring happiness, i don't care if i have money if i don't have any reason to use it.

Right now i act like i'm happy because otherwise people don't like me. Its impossible to know new people that way. Nobody tries to be friends with a sad person. But its tiring. I've met every single person in my career generation. I'm already friends with those who are friends and i'm not going to be friends with those who are not my friends by now. I've also emptied the chances for a girlfriend. I don't have any new environment to find new people. I cling to every chance i get to meet new people and they fail. I don't know how to talk to a girl without stopping to be me. I'm not funny. I could act like the popular douchebag who gets girls, and i have. And it works. But it only works while i don't act like myself, which makes me feel empty because being with someone you don't connect with is the same as being alone. My success also helps attract some girls, but it is fairly obvious that they are in it for interest.

I've felt like ending it. Multiple times. Probably the only reason i haven't done it is still the hope to find someone. I know finding the right person would fix everything. But doing that seems impossible right now. I have nowhere else to look, and whenever i've found places to look i haven't found any. And when i do find someone i like i manage to mess it up somehow, or i turn out to be too boring, or faking it.

I feel like i have no purpose. I live like a robot, i do things as a routine. Automatic. I have no other interests or goals. Like everything i'm doing serves to a bigger purpose that can't be achieved. All my work goes to waste. I don't even have people to talk about my interests with, because most people aren't interested in those things. It will soon be my birthday. People ask me how i want to celebrate it, what do i want as a gift. Truth is, i don't want to celebrate it. I have nothing to celebrate. My birthday is just a sign of failure. Another year goes by where i'm miserable. Another wasted year out of a limited amount of years. Thats nothing to celebrate at all.

I don't know if there is any advice to give me, i have given this a lot of thought and i can never reach other conclusions or solutions. Just wanted to post this because i needed to vent this somewhere. I have nobody to talk to.

Thanks for reading. If you have experienced something similar and know a way out that would be greatly appreciated. I can't see any.

Last edited by Notimportant1 on 19 Sep 2015, 9:23 pm, edited 1 time in total.

being a doctor and being able to help people while being rewarded handsomely can be quite fulfilling. i know. i was one. i was single and had few friends. people with borderline personality disorder feel empty even in relationships. i suggest you try dialectical behavioral therapy to help you find a more peaceful way of being. in the meantime, get a pet. you will be the most important being in the pet's life. that, too, is rewarding. being a busy doc, you might choose an affectionate cat (ask when you go to the shelter about personality) which won't suffer like a dog would in your absence.

I have depression rather than BPD, but I feel like I'm in a similar spot in life. I don't really have advice for how to get out of the rut you're in (or I wouldn't be in the same place!), but I want to at least say you're not alone.

Thank you for your reply. I have heard this before. I don't know if this is true, if it was it would be terrible. I really don't see anything else that could give meaning to life. I've never been in a relationship so i have no way to know. But how does someone cope with no objective in life? Maybe i'm too desperate hanging to my last shot but i refuse to believe this. I mean, who wouldn't feel empty if they are alone?



I've investigated about this. I've tried to get it. But whenever i go to a psychiatrist they diagnose me with depression. And that therapy is not used for people with depression. Psychiatrists say that my behaviour problems are there because of the sad feelings, while i firmly believe they are the other way around. How would i not feel sad and worthless when my relationship problems limit my life?

My other big fear is that i will soon have psychiatry. My university is very specialized in that area. We have 5 psychiatry subjects compared to other universities that have 1 or 2 at the most. I feel that once i learn the "tricks" of the therapies, even if i get into the therapy it will not work. I think i'll turn skeptical, that what the doctor will be saying is just going to be to trick me into thinking something that is not real. That he will give me fake oppinions just to make me better even if he doesn't think that way. This fear has also made me consider leaving med school.

Last edited by Notimportant1 on 19 Sep 2015, 9:50 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Thanks for the reply man.

DBT is no trick. it's a method of dealing with emotions that tend to get out of control - nothing fake about it. you use it in a way that suits you. please don't quit med school. your worries will not materialize. i guarantee it. you may learn things that will help, not hurt, you. what about you makes you feel as if you have borderline PD? my sister has it and i wouldn't wish it on anyone.

At first i had no idea what my problem was. I had it since i was a kid. I went to psychologists and psychiatrists and they always said depression or something else (they always did the same studies, IQ tests and random s**t i'm pretty sure are useless), even though i'm completely sure i don't have depression. I can do things, i can feel pleasure (though it is only momentarily), i do eat and like food, etc. I feel empty though. The only thing that matches depression was a feeling of emptiness and uselessness, which in turn makes me feel sad. The fact that they keep failing to diagnose even when i tell them the diagnose has made me to basically give up. I've changed enough psychiatrists and its hard to find a private one.

But now in med school i had a subject of psychology (apart from the psychiatry i will have), and they did mention BPD, though superficially. It sounded very familiar. Everything in the description matched. I started investigating, reading on books, looking for diagnostic criteria, etc. I not only matched the minimum requirements, i matched practically all of them. Everything from uncontrollable emotions, to risky behaviour, to empty feelings, to self harm, to bad relationships with people. Even the fact that it has a heritable component and i noticed similar behaviours with my parents and grandparents (even though my parent does not accept having BPD, which is something i've brought up in fights).

Last edited by Notimportant1 on 19 Sep 2015, 10:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

While DBT can be very helpful, it is important to note that it takes a long time. DBT is based around training yourself to feel two or more feelings at the same time while not feeling that one is better than the other, for example when I did DBT I did it a lot over learning to be happy and sad at the same time. It could be that your uni uses CBT, or cognitive based therapy, with depression patients. While you don't have depression, the skills that CBT gives you could be very helpful. CBT is mainly about retraining your thoughts themselves in a very quick way. It is used to give skills to those who would be considered in "crisis," or at risk of harming themselves or others. CBT teaches things you can do in the moment. I would recommend looking into it.

Also, I want to post the US National Suicide Hotline, in case you are in the US, 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255). It helps to have someone to talk to when you that point. <3

then go to a different shrink and make your case. i had to switch shrinks to get listened to and appropriately treated.

Thanks for the reply. I'll look into that. And by the way no i'm not american, we don't have that in my country :/

I have tried. Changed plenty of times. It is very hard to find private ones. Especially because i will be working in the medical field i can't just go to a hospital one, we all know there is still a lot of prejudice with mental illnesses, even within doctors themselves.

you are certainly right about the stigma and caution there is wise. why is it, do you think, that shrinks so far have brushed off your legitimate concern? your success? something else?

if you can't be prescribed DBT, perhaps you could get a book on it. i remember there was a practical how-to book that i gave my sister.

I don't think they have brushed it off as like they didn't care. I think they are looking it from the wrong point of view. Most of them have focused on me feeling like crap all day and the discussion goes around that. And yes it is true depression patients feel like crap all day. But there are plenty of reasons why someone would feel like crap. Not being able to relate properly with people and control emotions is a valid enough reason to feel that way. Maybe because i tell them i can't remember the last time i felt happy, which is true. But it is not because of depression. I told the last psychiatrist the arguments i just told you and he said something along these lines: "Depression is a major diagnosis while BPD is a minor one, if you match the characteristics of both then you fit into the major one and not the minor one".

While i do match some of the diagnostic criteria for depression (because feeling empty and unhappy, with self harm ideas and feelings of uselessness match for BPD and depression), i don't match plenty of it. In fact i'm opposite to many of things depressive people have. I can concentrate, i can feel pleasure, i can feel with a lot of energy, etc.

For some reason they ignore this.



I'll look for it. Didn't know there was. Thanks.

Last edited by Notimportant1 on 19 Sep 2015, 10:45 pm, edited 2 times in total.

don't read the whole thing and think you've got it. take a chapter and work on the suggestions for a week or two. then tackle the next chapter. PM me any time. i can usually be counted on to get back to you within a day.

Thanks a lot for your support, i'll give it a shot. I really have nothing left to lose.

The next approach i'm considering with psychiatrists is going to the next one and tell them exactly this: "ok, look, this is my diagnose, this is the proof, treat me for this, if you don't agree, i'm not coming back". That will make them at least consider what they say before making me not come back at all. I know doctors hate when patients do that (i hate when patients do it on me) but i'm not f*****g manipulating him for drugs. I mean why else would i want DBT if i didn't think i have BPD? I'm not asking him for illegal drugs, in fact i'm not asking him for any drug at all. I really don't understand why they don't want to even try prescribing DBT.