I am so tired

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I am exhausted, and feel like I need to sleep for days. This may seem disjointed, but I am hurting and I don't know how else to put it.

A few months ago I was talking to my psychiatrist about how my anxiety and panic had been almost absent for so long, but made a comment about how they'll be back again one day. I was chastised for "negative thinking", but to me it wasn't negative, it was just realistic. I have a chronic illness, and even if the symptoms disappear it doesn't mean I'm cured.

Well, it's back. I've had some of the most intense panic and anxiety attacks in the last few weeks than I have had in a very long time. The medication helps, but I am scared to take it when I am out driving because it makes me dizzy, so I normally just have to endure the episode until I get back to the home I am staying in to take it and then calm down.

It came back before the bad things happened. A few weeks ago my home was destroyed in a freak accident. My family and I are staying with other family. It's going to be at least 12 months before we're able to have a home again. This has caused its own particular brand of anxiety, I'm having nightmares about the incident and my family members have also shown traumatic responses.

I am moving forward with my life though, and am still attending school and work. It's very draining, especially because I don't have my home safe spot anymore (I am making a new safe spot here but it's not as private so I don't know if I will ever have it 100%).

Some things are becoming difficult though. Lately I have felt that I don't deserve to eat, which is not a new feeling but I usually never have had it last more than a day. It's been at least four days in a row now that I have felt this way, I have been forcing myself to eat but it's not enjoyable and it makes me feel sick.

It makes me so tired to feel this way and to feel out of place. I am mentally exhausted, and that somehow drains me physically too.

The best thing to add onto all of this? How about having to listen to someone rant about "The Me Generation", and about how we're all spoiled brats who have never worked a day in our lives? I've worked my ass off for years, full time for s**t pay, and what I did actually ended up hurting me. I managed it for eight years until I finally had a breakdown and had to reach out for the government to help me.

I graduated college once before and got the door shut in my face, I took terrible jobs because they were literally the only things available, and dealt with sh***y people because I had to in order to survive.

I kick myself every day because I still think that I'm not trying hard enough. I hate hearing people say these things. I hate it because I think I could have done better, but if I had somehow done more than I have done, I don't think I would be alive. I think I would have literally worked myself to death.

I feel like I am in my 80's when I am only in my 20's. I hope tomorrow is better than today, and that tomorrow's tomorrow is even better. I feel like my "good days" are of limited number, and lately there have been some days that I literally could only get out of bed twice, to use the restroom. I feel angry that I'm exhausted, especially because everyone else takes it as laziness. I feel angry that I've spent so much energy trying to make something of myself, only for it to not only fail, but also for people to blame me for "not trying".

I'm so, so tired.

sorry things are not going well and especially that all your hard work is not being recognized. my house caught fire when i was five and it was years before i lost my fear of fire. i hope your family doesn't hesitate to seek help if the trauma affects them significantly.

how long 'til you get your degree? what will it be in?

Thank you for your reply.

I'm attending counseling (I was before), and I'm urging my family to also seek counseling if it keeps up.

It'll be several years. I am hoping to go for programming, but right now it's still up in the air.

i'm sorry you have to go through that...what is it with some certain humans and the need to propagate these "us vs them" attitudes? i find these descriptions of generations too full of negative generalizations for their own good, i see most people i've met in my generation Y work quite hard, some much harder than me.

f**k these generation stereotypes.

what kind of programming are you interested in? i'm slowly inching through bio studies at the moment.

hope you get much welcomed rest.

The whole "The generation under me is going down the toilet!" thing bugs me so bad. Aside from being a cliche mess, I find that it completely devalues all of the great people doing their best. Like when my older family members lament the aging of my grandfather or the mechanic down the road because they are "a dying breed", while totally ignoring how great of a person my younger cousin is and how perfectly he is following in the same footsteps as those people.

I started out learning HTML in a chatroom years ago, and right now it's still the only thing I know. I want to learn how to create webpages and databases, my goal is to make at least a trial website where people can make accounts and customize profile pages. If I can do that, I'll branch out and maybe try to make a real website.

Thank you very much

Today has luckily been a good day for me

I felt hungry today, and I was able to eat once. I am about to eat again, and I'm looking forward to it. That makes me feel good. I really love food and it felt so weird to not want it.

I know not every day will be a good day, but it is nice to enjoy them while I can.

Hopefully I can even do some homework tonight so I won't have to worry about it for the rest of the weekend!

That's nice, dragonwhiskers.

Yes, make the most of good days, and hopefully you'll be getting them more often in the future.

Thank you very much for the kind words

yeah, i'd roll my eyes when people start a complaint with "X these days", etc.

and you're welcome.


that's a good attitude IMO. do you know yet what your website(s) will be about?

I want it to be a place for people to upload artwork. Possibly even with a blogging side to it (sort of like DeviantArt).

I am a member of many art sites, but I have issues with them in the way they handle things. Since I can't find a "perfect" website, I want to try making my own little one to play around with.