Intractable Situation, Burnt Out on Life

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I have been suffering from depression and ennui as a result of cumulative 'aspie' effects. I can not have conversations with pretty much anyone without getting either bored or frustrated, I can't make decisions about what to do and by the time I find something I'm too exhausted to actually do it. I have worked before, I can not take it, and it made so little positive effect - and had so many drawbacks - that I am no longer interested in even trying. I have zero motivation, no goals, no investment, I pretty much loathe society and peoples' sh***y little personalities in principle.

Despite having been repeatedly hospitalized and run through counselours since childhood, and having an SSI lawyer, and having been evaluated at least twice, I am repeatedly told I do not qualify for disability. Somehow every attempt at working and school turning into a mental breakdown which I had to extricate myself from not to murder the f*****g subhumans around me was not qualifying.

I once went in for employment assistance at the SSA office, and after explaining myself to the work counselour she outright said, "I don't want to believe you have autism."

This has been a constant strain on all my family relationships, I am utterly dependent, incapable of doing anything about it, and I resent it, and I resent even more when I am repeatedly tasked to do things I have said I can not do and my family should be well aware I can not do. Their feigned understanding and fair-weather tolerance makes it worse when they get frustrated for behaving in the only way I know how to, and for being realistic about my inability to do things like complete college courses or fill out an application without wanting to hang myself or do a bunch of drugs or whatever. It has been like this my entire life, I have essentially been truant and never done any homework since 3rd grade. What possible bar of evidence, documentation or whatever the SSD need is completely f*****g unrealistic and arbitrary. The letter that c**t of a judge sent me made me want to choke him, and if he'd talked to me like that when I was at SSD court I would have walked out on the whole thing.

The compound and snowballing difficulties of early-neglected life without proper socialization or any actual parental administration is well documented and remains, if not constant, pretty consistent between Aspergers adults, especially ones who - like me - can't get up the motivation to walk to the grocery store or play a video game. I've told them all this - counselours, judges, evaluators, lawyers. It doesn't matter, and I am f*****g sick of trying. Every time these stupid bastards try to talk me down from my extreme pessimism they manage to prove me right and ratchet up my resistance to and disinterest in actually trying to do anything.

I can't socialize, I can't even play games with people and I'm both too informed and too touchy to discuss the subjects of my actual interest with most people.

I am sure this all sounds familiar to some of you, but it's also well documented in case studies and so forth: there are almost no reliable resources for adults with Aspergers, I haven't even been able to get a proper diagnosis. The most recent evaluation I had was a fifteen minute conversation with some b***h in an office, real f*****g impressive attempt at research.

Like many people with AS I find cognitive behavioural therapy to be utterly useless. The associated traveling (I get lost easily), timing issues (I hate being late and want to always do things 'right') and the knowledge that I am going to be asked questions I can't even understand, much less answer, means I'd rather beat my face into the wall than talk to a counselour. Drug therapy was likewise ineffective, merely alternating me between modes of ennui and rage, in addition to making me feel f*****g lazy and stupid all the time.

I'm so irritated with people wanting me to 'do things' and wondering why I don't utilize my talents to 'get a job', utterly ignoring how important existing social connections and socialization in general are in getting and keeping a job, how awfully environments are structured for people with social aversion, an inability to remain 'socially appropriate', a lack of understanding/interest in the taboos and memes people w*k over all day, and the constant exhausting drain from stupid s**t like flickering lights or not having the right tool to do what I am supposed to do.

And, on top of that, I have explained everything above to almost every so-called 'expert' I have had to deal with on the subject. The result: JACK s**t. These ret*ds fail to do their job or give a s**t, and here I am back at square one (or square -1 given the cumulative effect of failed interactions ruining my will to even want to try), and then being under renewed pressure and scrutiny from my family like I'm the one who's doing things wrong. I'm not punching therapists or screaming at doctors though I probably should have, that at least would have been satisfying for a moment, whereas now I'm disappointed without any payoff.

Dealing with frustration and failure on a repeated basis, especially when it is clearly through the inadequacy of the other parties and not a lack of trying, is f*****g infuriating. It's hard enough for kids with supportive parents to navigate the atomized retardation that passes for a civilization today, for someone like me adjusting is not even feasible and at this point I don't know what to do except waiting to f*****g die or killing myself.

I wanted to share an excerpt from a piece I read, it comes from the UK but sounds like my entire life:

Excerpt, The Reality of Adults with Autism Spectrum Disorders

Independence
70% of parents felt that their son or daughter would be unable to live independently without support. Less than 10% of adults can manage the most basic household tasks such as shopping,
preparing meals, laundry, paying bills, managing money, without help.
49% of adults with autism or Asperger syndrome are still living at home with their parents. 65% of
these adults have had no community care assessments and are therefore unlikely to be known to the statutory agencies who should be supporting them.
31% of adults at the lower end of the autism spectrum are still being cared for at home, despite their high level needs. 45% of parents believed their son or daughter required 24-hour care, and only 15% thought they could live in sheltered or shared accommodation.
Only 3% of adults at the higher end of the autism spectrum are living fully independently, and a further 8% are living independently with some regular professional or family support.
Families are shouldering the burden of care for their adult sons and daughters, most of whom are unknown to health and social services.

Choice
People with autism or Asperger syndrome have very little choice in where they live, what work they can do and who looks after them. Only 2% of adults at the lower end of the autism spectrum and only 12% of higher functioning adults are in full-time paid employment. A quarter (24%) are doing nothing at all or ‘helping out around the house’.
Over a third (35%) of parents said that the whole issue of housing for their son or daughter was not adequately addressed through the transition planning process. This may explain why so many adults are still living at home with their parents.
Only 19% of adults had access to any sort of advocacy when their future was being decided upon to help them express their own views about their choice of care, housing and activities. 70% of parents said they did not believe that their son or daughter had understood the process or the
implications for their adult life.

Inclusion
Two-thirds (65%) of parents said that their sons and daughters had difficulty making friends. And only 7% said that their son or daughter had no need of friends. Almost a third (31%) are involved in no social activities at all.
Only 28% of adults have had any access to social groups for people with autism and Asperger syndrome. 71% of parents thought their sons or daughters would benefit from such a group.
72% of parents said that their son or daughter had behaviours which other people find unusual
or anti-social. 82% believed that their son or daughter would benefit from social skills training, but only 44% had received any.

Consequences
A third (32%) of parents reported that their son or daughter had experienced mental ill health. This rose to half (50%) of those whose son or daughter was not diagnosed until after the age of 30.
Of those experiencing mental ill health 56% had suffered with depression, a further 11% a nervous breakdown or near nervous breakdown, and 8% felt suicidal or had attempted suicide.
The effects on families were also devastating: families were excluded from any ‘normal’ life. They reported that families’ social lives were destroyed, including holidays; frequently one parent had to give up their career to care for the child (then adult) at home, siblings were neglected, marriages torn apart. The emotional stress is devastating. Most parents fear what will happen when they become too old or frail to care for their son or daughter.

Conclusion: Ignored or Ineligible?
Statutory agencies are failing adults with autism and Asperger syndrome. The majority of individuals and their families are excluded from the care system. They are either ignored or discriminated against through rigid eligibility criteria, often established through ignorance of autism spectrum disorders. In particular, the critical period of transition from adolescence into adulthood is breaking down, and parents are picking up the pieces.

Last edited by rjmooreii on 20 Nov 2015, 11:50 am, edited 1 time in total.

What do you want? What will SSD do for you besides relieve some of your family's financial burden in caring for you? How will you cope living elsewhere, if shopping and basic household stuff is too difficult for you to do alone?

Thanks for sharing these stats.

I have a somewhat similar story. I've stopped going to uni, have no motivation and am scared of working or having my own place.
I already know it's gonna be very draining or even impossible. So I'm just sitting here.
But my parents expect me to do stuff. It's just a question of time before "something" happens, whatever that may be.

The causes are pretty straightforward, the government is a useless parasite, schools are child abuse/indoctrination prisons, and our entire society has been atomized without any real families anymore, just people who occasionally both live together and are related. Society has been destroyed without any feasible alternatives being presented so those of us with difficulties (especially with begging and pleading, confrontation, and socialization issues) are just going to be ignored, because the only way to get ahead is to be a little conformist prick, sit down/shut up, and go through endless, meaningless bureaucratic paperwork which people with logical minds will never be able to give the 'right' answers to.

I'll be able to buy drugs and not have people whining at me about s**t I have no control over.
Bye.

That's a worthwhile thing for the gainfully employed, tax paying members of society to support, why, exactly? Seeing as based on your own description of your skills/needs, keeping up with the paperwork for insurance (involving people, deadlines, standards, requirements, etc that you don't get to set) and household tasks that must be done, and whether you feel like it or not.

f**k your mother, c**t. Shove your advice up your as*hole until it bleeds. I'm not interested in having a repeat of the same f*****g ret*d conversation I've had 100 times, and society is a pile of s**t that ought to be nuked. If I wanted to hear tired advice from snarky f**ktards I'd have gone to 4chan.

And f**k whoever made this sh***y ineffective blocklist, too. I don't want to read this twat's keyboard spittle. There's always some little contrarian fa***t who has nothing to say but just wants to argue with me.

When i am burnt out, i cannot think how to make it better. I have had family members tell me, "just tell me what you want, i will try to help!" But i can't organize it in my mind, let alone articulate to them what would help me. Is that where you are? In reading your post, i see a lot of stuff that is wrong in your world but not much view of anything that would make you feel better.

I do struggle through day-to-day tasks at times, just "putting one foot in front of the other" though i do not always feel capable of it. It is beyond wearying at times. Sometimes i don't get stuff done because i can't wrap my brain around it. At times my family shakes their heads and says, "it is so simple" and proceed to go through the steps just to show me how simple it is. Great. If it's so simple, then do it yourself instead of asking me to do it.

Aspergers is an uphill battle at times--actually most times, and sometimes others are understanding--sometimes not. I don't have any easy answers. The best thing i have done that has helped me, is to try to climb the unclimbable mountain by putting one foot in front of the other. I will not say it is easy and am not trying to come across like you are being ignorant or stupid. You aren't--just normal day-to-day activities can be terribly difficult with aspergers. It is beyond hard to do. But i have not found any answers to making life easier. Some things get easier with time and practice. Being up and around helps with some of my depression--although i have to be careful not to let myself get overloaded with activity as i have a low sensory threshold.

CBT is mostly a crock of crap. I have found it comes down to doing the best i can with what i have, and not giving up. There are still good things about living; my world still has sunshine and things that make me smile. I still have people i love. This gets me through the times when life seems too much.

Wish i could help you more but this is the best i have to offer... (((hugs)))